


The Wrong Side of Fifty

by daisydoctor13



Category: Berena - Fandom, Holby City
Genre: AU Bernie works at St James, F/F, Fletch is being Fletch, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Hanssen looms and is quite perceptive, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Raf is a helpful friend, Romance, Sapphic Angst Fest, Slow Burn, background Morven/Cam, berena are clueless, bernie does what she does best and runs, metaphorically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2018-10-22 15:11:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 62,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10699587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daisydoctor13/pseuds/daisydoctor13
Summary: Everyone at the hospital assumes Serena is gay and someone sets her up with a brilliant surgeon named Bernie. Serena is naturally expecting Bernie to be a man but she's in for a surprise.What she gets is a wonderful friend, but will it go further?





	1. Blind Date

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic attempt, the first two chapters are already on fanfiction.net  
> I basically have tumblr to thank for starting this - main blog @help-im-a-medstudent, secondary @daisydoctor13 for Holby City/Casualty stuff  
> Hope you enjoy :)  
> 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena has no intention of dating since her split with Robbie, she needs time to herself and to adjust to living with Jason. However, her bad moods on the ward prompt the AAU team to set her up on a blind date with Bernie Wolfe, a surgeon at St James' hospital. She agrees, but is in for a bit of a surprise!

“You know what she needs?” Fletch commented to Morven as Serena’s office door had just been slammed so thoroughly that the blinds shook, “a new flame to get over Robbie the Bobby.”

Serena had been in a foul mood for the past two weeks after she had split up with Robbie and the staff sometimes felt like they had to walk on eggshells around her.

“She swore off men remember, she wants to focus on Jason and anyway, it’s only been a couple of weeks,” Morven wasn’t sure if it really was what Serena needed, but she would welcome a break from the quickfire questions and the sarcastic putdowns she’d been receiving recently.

“Yeah well, find her a woman then!” Fletch grinned.

“A woman? She’s not…. You know….” Morven blushed and looked at her shoes as she caught Raf looking over at them.

“Sure, she is! Well bi anyway. I was convinced she was gay when I first met her, how else could she resist the Di Lucca charm?” The Scot winked then added “Seriously though, we need to do something. She nearly bit Mrs Cook’s head off when she forgot that she was taking statins.”

XXXXX

Serena rubbed her temples while trying to focus on the notes in front of her. She felt like she hadn’t had any time to herself in the past two weeks, whenever she wasn’t at work she was at home trying to get the balance right with Jason. She knew he couldn’t live in that awful place, but hadn’t quite thought through how her busy and unplannable her life was and the effects this might have on him. Still, they were muddling through and it was getting easier. A light tap on her door brought her back to the present.

“Ms Campbell, sorry to disturb you, um, could we have a word” Morven looked uncomfortable but Fletch was wearing his signature cheeky grin.

“Make it quick,”

“Um, well we were….um…see the thing is…would you…umm…”

“For goodness sake Morven! Serena, we have found you the perfect blind date. Trauma surgeon at St James, used to be in the Army, one of Morven’s friends from med school works with them….” Fletch trailed off as he was given a hard Ms Campbell ‘I am not impressed’ stare.

“I do not need you two meddling in my love life thank you, and I certainly don’t have time to be dating,”

“Just think about it Ms Campbell, surely you deserve a night out anyway and not just a quick glass of Shiraz at Albie’s,” Morven smiled, usually it was more like a quick bottle but she didn’t dare say anything.

“Don’t you two have patients to be looking after, that’s what you are payed to do isn’t it, rather than matchmaking?” Serena smirked slightly and relieved they weren’t in too much trouble they hurried out onto the ward.

Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to start dating. Something light, take her mind of medicine and her home life. At least if anyone couldn’t handle Jason she could end it before things got too serious, she didn’t want to end up in the same situation. _Ah sod it, I’m the wrong side of fifty but like I said to the team it doesn’t mean I’m dead from the waist down! A bit of fun and maybe it could become something more, someone to while away retirement with._ She had been thinking about life after medicine a lot recently and didn’t like the idea of becoming some crazy cat lady rattling around in that big house.

XXXXX

“Ah, Morven have you got a minute?” Serena gestured towards the office and the junior doctor followed her in, standing awkwardly in the corner wondering what this could be about. “That blind date you mentioned last week, do you reckon you could talk to your friend?”

“Oh yeah, I’ve got a mobile number! Jon gave it to me the other day on the off chance,” Morven handed her a slip of paper she’d tucked into her phone case.

“Bernie Wolfe,” Serena mused, “interesting name…thanks Morven!”

XXXXX

**Hi, it’s Serena Campbell from AAU at Holby, think one of your F2s gave your number to one of mine! Hope this is okay, I’d be interested in meeting if you are?**

Serena stared at the screen for what felt like hours, this had been the tenth draft and she had butterflies. _Pull yourself together Campbell, it’s just a text._ Dating was so much easier when you just bumped into people and got chatting but she didn’t have many opportunities for that now. _Send. There, done._

**Hi Serena, glad you got in touch! Yes, I’m not really one for long texts, real life conversations are so much better, don’t you think? I finish at 6 today, we could grab a drink?**

She was glad it was someone with sense and was quite excited, however Jason would not appreciate the last minute change of plan. Saying she already had plans tonight, she suggested going after work later in the week which gave her more time to prepare herself. They agreed on a pub on the outskirts of Holby, just for a drink but they did rather good bar meals so if things went well they could stay and eat as well.

XXXXX

Serena was nervous, although she had no idea why, only a few weeks ago she’d come to terms with the fact that she would be very much off the dating scene, at least until Jason had settled a bit more. Now, here she was chucking clothes on the floor as she tried to decide what to wear. Nothing felt right, work clothes made her feel too much like ‘Ms Campbell, vascular surgeon’, and her other things were either too casual or far, far too dressy for a quiet drink in a pub.

Eventually, she was at the pub, having decided on a fairly new blouse that she hadn’t actually worn to work yet, made a bit more dressy with a set of jewellery Elinor had bought her for her 50th. She ordered a large Shiraz from the bar and looked at her watch. Bernie would be here in 10 minutes. She wondered what he’d be like, a trauma surgeon that used to be a Major in the army didn’t sound like her type but Morven had said he was well respected and liked by colleagues and she trusted the F2’s judgement.

“Serena Campbell?” A blonde woman had just pulled out the bar stool next to her. How did she know her name? _Obviously, an old patient._ “Hi, Bernie Wolfe.”

Serena’s jaw dropped. _Shit._ She took a few moments to take in the woman sat next to her. Slightly taller than herself, warm brown eyes looking at her through a messy blonde fringe, the rest of her hair tucked behind her ears.

“You’re a woman.” _Why did you say that?! You look like a bloody moron now!_

“Um yes, last time I checked!” Bernie smiled slightly, just one corner of her mouth twitching upwards.

“So, you’re not called Bernard?” _Get yourself together woman._

“Oh, no! No! Umm, Berenice, but it doesn’t really suit me…. I’m so sorry, I thought you knew you were meeting a woman, um I can go?” She started to get up from the stool.

“No, no, I should be the one apologising! Stay, I could still do with a drink and a chat after the day I’ve had, what can I get you?”

Bernie ordered from the barman and the pair found a small table with comfy armchairs to relax into. Serena tried to relax. Maybe it wasn’t what she’d expected, but she really didn’t have many friends her own age so she started chatting about work. Somehow, she still felt on edge even though Bernie was very easy to talk to and didn’t seem to mind at all about the misunderstanding. She started talking about her time in Afghanistan and how different surgery was out there and Serena found herself not really listening, instead watching the woman sat across from her. She really was attractive, in a humble sort of way, one of those people that doesn’t want to draw attention to themselves with loads of make-up and daring outfits but still ends up getting stares and admiring glances.

“So, what’s brought you onto the dating scene?” The question brought Serena back to the present.

“Oh um, you know, I’d rather not be a life-long member of the embittered Ex-wives club, so thought I’d put myself back out there. Although that didn’t go well, I thought I’d met someone lovely that I could settle down with, but he couldn’t accept my nephew. He has Asperger’s and can be a little difficult sometimes, he lives with me and Robbie decided it was too much like hard work,” Serena had surprised herself. Despite being rather outgoing and flirty with most people, she didn’t do deep and meaningful conversations, let alone with a relative stranger! Still, she kind of felt lighter for it and there was just something about Bernie that made her open up.

“Men, eh? Well, I guess you don’t really have that trouble do you?”

“On the contrary, I was married for 25 years, 2 kids to show for it! It was fine when I was away a lot and could hide from the fact that it was failing, but I had to medically retire, thanks to an IED. I tried to make it work but I knew I couldn’t hide my true self for the rest of my life.”

They chatted for a bit longer, until Bernie’s stomach started growling. “Sorry, long shift with only coffee for sustenance is catching up on me, mind if I order something?”

They both got meals and a bottle of Shiraz. _Excellent taste,_ Serena smiled to herself. The conversation flowed with the wine, and Serena felt as if the entire world had stopped around them. The tension she’d felt in her shoulders and back from spending a 12 hour shift hunched over patients was melting and she felt like she had laughed more in the last couple of hours than she had in the last 6 months.

Suddenly her phone buzzed on the table in front of her, Jason’s name on the screen.

**You said you’d be back by 10, where are you?**

“Blimey is that the time? Sorry, my nephew is expecting me back,” She started gathering her things, “are you okay getting back?”

“You’ve had as much as me! Shall we share a taxi?”

XXXXX

The taxi ride was short and they spent it in fairly comfortable silence.

“Right, well, this is me,” Serena wasn’t really sure what to say, “thank you for a lovely evening, I really enjoyed it. Maybe we could meet again sometime?” Should she add ‘as friends’? Would that look like Serena thought Bernie was attracted to her? That would look a bit arrogant, wouldn’t it? _Stop overthinking this, Campbell._

“Yes, that would be good,” Bernie smiled at her “I’m sorry again for the… you know… I don’t want you to feel like you have to see me again or anything though.”

“No, I would like to, it’s been a refreshing evening with excellent company!” _Starting to sound like some sort of online review, get back to normality._ “Well, uh, anyway,” she could feel the heat rising in her cheeks, and was quite thankful it was dark, “you have my number so… goodnight.” She gulped and then placed a quick kiss on Bernie’s cheek, telling herself it is what she would do after an evening out with any of her friends. She wasn’t really sure why she was justifying it to herself though.

 

 


	2. Wine Tasting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following their slightly awkward blind date, Bernie and Serena are glad to have found a friend in one another. They continue to meet, toasting Bernie's new found freedom after her divorce.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As this is an AU where Bernie works at St James’, I’ve messed around with the timelines a bit, so although this is set on the day of It Tolls for Thee, Serena’s car hasn’t been stolen, and I’ve made Marcus a bit less innocent than he seems in canon (to be developed further). Also, the story that Bernie tells Serena is something that happened to me (I’m a medical student).

Bernie smiled sadly to herself as she closed the door, dropping her bag on the floor and collapsing onto the sofa. Her F2 had done a great job, Serena was sharp, witty, chatty and – well, yes – very attractive. Only one problem, she’s straight. Her face when Bernie had introduced herself would be forever ingrained in her memory. Still, she had enjoyed herself and even if nothing came of the blind date, she felt she’d made a friend, something she’d been struggling to do since the split with Marcus.

She’d mainly agreed to the date to stop herself from slipping into bad habits. Since she’d been living alone, all she did was work, eat ready meals, work out and sleep and she didn’t want to continue this for the rest of her working life. She wasn’t sure whether she was ready to date. She chuckled to herself as she flicked through the TV channels, she’d never really done “dating”. Marcus and she had shared a group of friends through medical school and they’d just grown closer until one day they’d slept together and it went from there. Alex had been, well, different. Not many romantic Italian restaurants or theatres out in Afghanistan. This had been her first proper date. Hadn’t it gone well…

Setting her alarm for the morning, she slipped into a baggy t-shirt and snuggled down under the covers. She hoped that Serena would want to meet again, even just as friends. She’d tried to not let on how much she fancied the brunette, just in case she was scared off but now Bernie couldn’t help but think about Serena’s body. She sighed and wondered whether she should text her, thanking her for a great evening. Or was that something people do after a proper date? Would Serena think that Bernie wanted to date, and not just be friends? This whole dating thing was bloody confusing and so she just closed her eyes and tried to get to sleep. She would let Serena make the first move.

XXXXX

“Adrian Fletcher, my office, now!” Serena swept into the ward the next morning clutching a large coffee and wearing a very stern expression.

“Oh shit,” Fletch knew he was in trouble if his full name was being used. “Obviously, the date didn’t go well.”

“Good luck mate, I’ll look after the kids when you’re gone,” Raf joked, patting him on the shoulder.

“Close the door and sit,” Serena ordered, pointing at a chair. “Did you know?”

“Know what?” Fletch was confused, and shifted uncomfortably in the chair.

“That the blind date I was going on was with a woman, and that Bernie was short for Berenice?”

“Well, yes, what did you think it was short for?”

“Bernard!” Serena huffed, why was Fletch saying this so calmly?

“You thought we would set you up with a bloke called Bernard? Were you expecting a 70 year old or something?” he scoffed.

“Well, seeing as the person you _actually_ set me up with was female, I don’t think one can make that many assumptions about who you lot would think is a suitable date! What female name shortens to Bernie, for goodness sake?”

“Umm, Berenice…Bernadette…”

“Yes, thank you, that was hypothetical! Anyway, why the hell would you arrange a date for me with a woman?”

“We thought...you know…after Robbie you swore off men…and Raf said he’d always thought you might be…you know…” Fletch cowered under the arching eyebrow.

“So, Mr Di Lucca was in on this as well was he? Well, I’ll be having words with him, and Morven, later!”

“Did it go okay though?” “What?” “The date-”

“It was not a date!” Fletch held his hands up in surrender at this attack. “But I guess it was a nice evening anyway…not that it’s any of your business!” Serena turned to the pile of notes on her desk and Fletch took this as a good opportunity to run.

Once the door had closed, Serena picked up her phone. Was it too soon to be texting Bernie? Serena wanted to get to know the trauma surgeon better, they’d enjoyed each other’s company and it was nice to talk to a fellow female consultant (neither Jac Naylor nor Connie Beauchamp were really people she would want to meet up with outside of work). She didn’t want to seem weirdly eager either. Texting the next day might make her look desperate, maybe she should wait for Bernie to text her? Why did she feel like a teenager, trying to second guess what was going on all the time and working out what the right ‘social protocols’ were? She decided to bite the bullet and text.

**Hi Bernie, thanks again for last night, sorry for reacting like that at the start! Would you like to do it again sometime next week?**

XXXXX

She couldn’t believe her luck, Serena had texted her and wanted to meet up again. Was it bad that Bernie had butterflies in her stomach at the thought of spending more time with the vascular surgeon? She knew that Serena wasn’t interested in her like that but the enigmatic brunette had made her feel like a teenager again. She closed the X ray images she had open on her office computer and opened the browser, wanting to find something a bit different for their second...meeting? Definitely not date…

While she was scrolling through options her phone buzzed again. It was Charlotte.

**Dad’s told us how you cheated on him with some bitch in the army. Don’t bother trying to patch things up, this is the last straw.**

Now that put a dampener on her mood. She hadn’t meant for her kids to find out like that, or Marcus for that matter, but the rumour mill in the hospital was worse than in secondary school and being outed, quite literally, in public was what she deserved. She didn’t blame her daughter for not wanting to talk to her and Bernie had no real desire to open up about it with her family.

She needed caffeine, well actually she needed a whisky but it was 10am and she was at work so that wasn’t going to happen, so she left her office and headed to the hospital café. As she paid a familiar voice muttered in her ear.

“I wouldn’t have thought you could afford to spend your money on posh coffee, you need to be saving up because I am going to take everything,” she turned to see Marcus bearing down on her, trying to use his extra couple of inches of height to full advantage, a nasty smile on his face.

“Piss off Marcus,” Bernie did not have the energy to deal with her soon-to-be ex-husband right now, “Isn’t it enough that you’ve turned the kids against me, just remember you weren’t a complete saint in the 25 years we were married.” She turned to leave but he grabbed her wrist and pulled her back forcefully.

“No one’s going to believe a cheating dyke that left her responsibilities and family to play soldiers over a renowned orthopaedic surgeon who juggled a demanding career and raising two children for the best part of 20 years,” he spat then turned on his heels, leaving Bernie feeling slightly nauseous.

**Serena, don’t worry about it, I had a great time too. Next week suits me, something tells me I’m going to need a drink!**

XXXXX

For once in her life Bernie was early to something, she smiled to herself as she settled down at the bar. It was quite classy and she was glad she’d gone back to the flat to change into something slightly more respectable than her work jeans. She’d managed to find a wine bar in Holby that was doing a taster evening, with food provided, and Bernie had remembered Serena’s love for Shiraz from the previous week.

There were a few couples and a group of women that seemed to be on a hen night, Bernie hoped Serena didn’t think she was trying to be romantic or anything but the atmosphere and the surroundings were relaxed.

When Serena arrived, she looked flustered, her cheeks were rosy from the cold air outside and her short hair was sticking out madly from the most enormous fur hat Bernie had ever seen. She looked fantastic, but Bernie refrained from saying anything, instead smiling warmly and handing Serena a glass.

“I thought this was wine tasting – why have we got champagne?” Bernie chuckled as Serena tried to extricate herself from her coat and scarf. “Sorry I look a mess, by the way, I had to come straight from work.”

“No worries! The champagne is for celebrating, my solicitor called today and I am now officially a single woman!” They had been texting most days since they’d met and so Serena knew most of the circumstances surrounding Bernie and Marcus’ relationship.

“Ah, congratulations, and welcome to the club!” They brought their glasses together and started chatting about memories of being married. Neither of them really knew why they felt they could talk to the other, but there was an ease of conversation that made both of them open up.

The wine tasting was brilliant, although neither of them had realised quite how much they had drunk and so they’d stayed a little longer at the bar, ordering mineral water in a vain attempt to sober up.

“-and then, we had to clean up the tap to give it back to him!” Bernie was honking with laughter at the story Serena was telling about Richard and the tap that had been wedged in a rather… unfortunate place. Serena was startled by the sound, how could someone so softly spoken make such a racket when they laughed? “I honestly don’t know how I kept a straight face when I was talking to the poor man, especially not with Fletch grinning like a Cheshire cat the whole time!”

“I had one of those moments today, although admittedly not quite as good as yours! I took some medical students to see a lovely old lady who had COPD and really good crackles to listen to on her lungs. The young lad introduced himself, asked if he could listen to her chest and she just about ripped the hospital gown off, no bra on underneath. Their faces were a picture – don’t think any of them have been exposed to that much elderly flesh before!” It was Serena’s turn to howl with laughter, the two of them were getting a few glances from the bar staff.

“Blimey, it’s getting late” Bernie glanced at the time, “I’d best be getting back, I’m on an early shift tomorrow and the junior doctors on my ward would never let me live it down if I turned up hungover after all the lectures I’ve given them!”

“Ah, but surely they should know that the rules are only there to stop them having fun, not the consultants! Are you okay to drive?”

“Absolutely, I’ve had plenty of water, the roads will be quiet at this time. Text me when you’re back safe?” Bernie knew full well Serena had drunk just as much but wasn’t sure whether the brunette could handle her drink. Bernie herself had had a lot of practice in the army, but it seemed Serena had built up her tolerance well over the years.

“Only if you do too. Good night Bernie, and enjoy your new-found freedom and single-ness!”

“Oh, I’ve started already!” Bernie immediately regretted that statement as she felt the air between them shift, she looked down at her phone to distract herself and mumbled a quick ‘g’night’ as she hurried from the bar. She wasn’t great at flirting so why had she decided to start with a woman who was so blatantly not into her?

Serena stared after Bernie, wondering what on earth had happened. She had seen Bernie tense as soon as she’d said those few words. Serena had thought nothing of them, not really. Yes, they had come across as a bit flirty but Serena was used to this sort of conversation, she flirted with everyone, almost used it as a defence, a wall to hide her true self behind.

XXXXX

Bernie got back first and texted Serena thanking her for coming and helping her celebrate. She thought about what Serena had said, that she should enjoy her new status of being ‘single’. She supposed she should get back out there, she’d tried to already with the blind date, and whilst she was glad of the new friend she had made, it wasn’t going to end the 6 month dry spell she’d had since leaving the army. She hadn’t felt able to be intimate with Marcus when she got back and she was felt a bit on edge, she needed a release. But she didn’t want some mindless one night stand and somehow since meeting Serena she didn’t want to date anyone properly.

She crawled into bed, her head still a bit fuzzy from the wine as her phone lit up, Serena.

**Goodnight Bernie, hope you get some rest before your early start, can’t have you breaking your own rules at work. S x**

A kiss. She probably sends that to everyone. Bernie didn’t really do that, her kids, Marcus and Alex had been the only ones she sent a kiss to. Should she send one back to Serena? Friendship shouldn’t be so bloody difficult, she thought. She decided to leave it until the morning, she’d say she had fallen asleep and she’d be able to think a bit clearer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 is almost done and I have ideas for another few after that, if there's anything you'd like me to write please comment - I'm so bored with revision and would welcome the break!


	3. Pilates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Staring at your friend in yoga pants is normal....right???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments :) I really struggled with this chapter and I’m not entirely happy with how it’s turned out, however I needed to develop their friendship a bit further before the next chapter. I'm back at uni after the Easter break so don't know how often I'll be posting but I've got a few more chapters planned! 
> 
> If you have anything you'd like me to write let me know :)

Over the next month, the two surgeons met up at least once a week, mainly for drinks after work but also for coffees and pastries in Holby and one shopping trip, which had been Serena’s idea and Bernie had grudgingly agreed because she had a very limited wardrobe.

Their friendship felt so easy to both of them, they were equally comfortable swapping amusing anecdotes about patients as they were sharing snippets of their pasts. Bernie had felt nervous admitting to Serena that she had cheated on her husband, as she had discovered the circumstances surrounding her and Edward’s divorce, but she had a gut feeling that she needed to be honest. She had spent so much of her life hiding herself and deceiving others because she was scared of the consequences, but coming back to Holby was a new start for her and she wanted to be open and true to herself.

Serena had been shocked by the revelation, and although she felt for Marcus, having been in his position, Bernie at least had the good grace to say it was a mistake. She wasn’t the same as Edward, who bragged about how many women he’d managed to pull and cheated because he liked the thrill of deceiving Serena.

They discovered they shared a love of languages, both were quite proficient at French, Serena also almost fluent in German and Bernie had learnt Pashto during her time in Kandahar. On other matters they differed greatly, Serena had scoffed at Bernie’s love of instrumental jazz “How can you listen to something that has no words?” She’d asked incredulously. “Alright then, what do you like?” Bernie had challenged. “The most sublime music ever written – opera!” Bernie had wrinkled her nose but it fitted Serena down to a tee.

The team on AAU had noticed a change in Serena, the atmosphere on the ward was less tense and she no longer had the F1s shaking with fear as she grilled them about diagnoses, investigations and management plans.

Serena promised them all a drink after a tough shift – a large road traffic collision had sent a wave of patients to AAU that day and all of them were exhausted. It had been a good outcome, although a few patients had been touch and go, all of them had pulled through, thanks to the team’s ability to work efficiently. Serena had a huge pile of paperwork to complete in the aftermath but she couldn’t even think about starting it so she’d called a ward trip to Albie’s, first round on her.

“You’ve been very perky recently, Serena, anything we should know?” Fletch was feeling a little tipsy due to not having eaten properly in the last 10 hours, deciding he could try and get some gossip about Serena’s new friendship.

“Whatever could you be talking about Nurse Fletcher?” Serena arched her eyebrow at him, but he noticed a sparkle in her eye.

“Well, for the past few weeks I’ve noticed you’ve been more relaxed, actually cracking a smile every now and then! When Robbie left, you were competing with Jac for the title of Ice Queen of Holby City, but since you’ve met a certain someone you’ve most definitely thawed” he winked at Serena which was met with a slight twitch at the corner of her mouth.

She knew Fletch was angling for some juicy gossip but unfortunately, she was going to have to disappoint him.

“Has it occurred to you that I might just be nice? Does my mood really have to depend on whether I am, as you youngsters say, ‘getting some’?” Morven and Raf both laughed at this, the group were squeezed into a booth with Dom and Sacha.

“Yeah no one says that Serena, although thanks for saying I’m a youngster! Are you saying that you haven’t been seeing Bernie then? You seem to have spent most of the last month grinning at your phone every time you get a text,” he wasn’t going to give up on this and so Serena decided to shut him down.

“I have been meeting Bernie yes, and thank you Morven for introducing us, but it is a merely platonic relationship. We have a lot in common but we are not ‘seeing each other’, sorry you’ll have to find some other poor soul to be ground up by the Holby rumour mill,” Serena downed the rest of her wine and smirked. “See you all tomorrow!” She was tired and just wanted to curl up under a blanket watching TV, Jason was staying at Alan’s and she had a rare evening with sole command of the remote.

Once she was back she thought back to what she had said to her colleagues. If it was a ‘platonic friendship’, why did she always look forward to their evenings or outings with a feeling of butterflies in her stomach? Was that normal for a platonic friendship? She hadn’t had such a relationship with any of her friends, one where she felt she could be completely open and would not be judged for her opinions, maybe that was it.

It was true that they had been texting quite frequently, and these texts had often brought a smile to her face on a tough day. Both of them understood the struggles of being top consultants and female, as well as having rocky relationships with grown up children, so they tried to cheer each other up. Normal for a friendship, not wanting to see your friend upset, right?  Serena wasn’t sure why she was trying to convince herself and put it down to being emotionally drained from a long day.

XXXXX

“Pilates?!” Bernie tilted her head to one side over the rim of her wine glass, “why on earth do you want to do that?”

“Well, it’s meant to be relaxing as well as a good workout. Elinor started in the summer holidays and I wanted to try it, but obviously going to that sort of class with your mother does not do much for your image, so she forbade me from going. I don’t know where she gets her attitude from!”

Bernie smirked and raised her eyebrow, they both knew exactly where she got it from. “Well, I don’t know, a good workout to me means a 15km run or bench pressing, not lying on some dusty church hall floor trying to fold into an unnatural position.”

“Oooh, check out the big macho army medic! Afraid of finding a form of exercise that you aren’t good at?” She knew Serena was appealing to her competitive side, and it was working. Bernie Wolfe could not refuse a challenge and she had to prove that Pilates was a ridiculous concept.

“Go on then, and when it does turn out to be useless, you can buy me a drink!”

“I think the drinks will be on you Ms Wolfe!”

XXXXX

Bernie was late for picking Serena up. She arrived with a loud crunch as the gravel on the drive was spread far and wide. Serena smiled, Bernie’s little convertible was so her – impractical but kind of classy, and the way she drove was unnerving. Although, it did mean despite Bernie running late, they actually got to the community centre with three minutes to spare.

“I think that drive has raised my heart rate so much that I don’t need to do the Pilates now!” Bernie grinned, she was used to driving jeeps out on track roads and was still getting to grips with the concept of traffic lights and braking on corners.

“You enjoyed it really, just think of it as a warm up!” She caught Serena’s eye, who had been staring at Bernie as soon as she got out of the car. “What?”

“I just feel a little overdressed now I’ve seen what you’re wearing.” Serena had put on an old t-shirt and some loose jogging bottoms, but Bernie was wearing Lycra leggings that basically acted as a second skin, and a racer back workout top that accentuated her toned back. “You look like quite the professional!”

Serena hadn’t thought it was possible for Bernie to wear anything tighter than the skinny jeans she favoured, but apparently, it was, and these leggings left nothing to the imagination. _Not that anyone will be complaining,_ mused Serena as she followed Bernie into the hall. She mentally checked herself, she should not be thinking about her friend like that, but somehow the thought had popped into her head. Bernie Wolfe was very attractive, and fit...physically fit… of course.

XXXXX

They wouldn’t be going back to Pilates. They’d spent most of the time spluttering and giggling at each other’s faces during the 45 minute class. Although Bernie had spent her entire life working out and keeping fit, she wasn’t particularly flexible and got a severe attack of cramp in the arch of her foot halfway through, whereas Serena, despite being a top surgeon, did not have the coordination to move her legs and arms in opposite directions.

They were still laughing about it when they got to the bar of the pub nearby, getting some odd looks from everyone in there thanks to their outfits. Shiraz and gin in hand – paid for reluctantly by Serena – they settled by the fire.

“That bloke was definitely checking you out Serena, I swear. You should have seen him when we were doing that downward dog position!” Bernie only knew this because she’d also been watching Serena during the class, despite repeatedly telling herself it was wrong she couldn’t quite draw her eyes away. She’d found that spending time with Serena over the past month had only increased the attraction she’d felt on their first meeting.

“I’m sure no one in that class was looking at me when you were there in that…that” she waved her hand to gesture to Bernie’s outfit, having no clue how to describe it. Bernie blushed slightly at this comment, while she was comfortable in her own skin she never really felt like she was the sort of woman people looked at and immediately found attractive.

“Anyway, how are things with the kids?”

“Cam’s doing well, he’s decided to redo his final year at medical school! He’ll be going back to London in September but at least he has started talking to me, so I’ll be able to keep in touch.” Bernie’s face lit up talking about her son, and Serena could tell she was immensely proud of him, but there was still a twinge of regret in her voice. “And Charlotte is still holding a massive grudge. I’m trying, and Cam’s said he’ll talk to her, but I don’t know what good it will do. I’ve screwed it up big time, but I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if she’s angry at me for not being there, for cheating on Marcus, lying about it, or being – you know,”

“Gay?”

“yeah, sorry, I still feel weird saying it.” Bernie looked down and nervously stirred her drink. “There’s so much I want to say to her but I feel like it needs to be done face to face. It’s just a matter of convincing her to meet up.”

“Well, speaking as a professional life-long, take it to the grave grudge holder, it’s going to be tricky. But I know you really want to try and build a relationship with her, so you’re just going to have to persist.” She really felt for Bernie, she’d obviously made mistakes in the past but they weren’t deliberate and she didn’t deserve to still be suffering because of them.

“How’s Elinor?”

“Doing exams supposedly, although I have a feeling there may be a little more alcohol and a little less revising going on! Not that she really talks to me that much – apparently, Liberty ‘understands her’ more than I do. I said that’s probably because Liberty is more of a step-sister than step-mother and now she’s pissed off!” This prompted a loud honk from Bernie, which set Serena off laughing.

It was amazing, Serena thought, how easy their friendship was. Bernie had this unassuming air about her, that just made her want to let her walls down and tell her everything. She’d never felt like that with Edward and although she trusted Robbie more, it had never been anything like this.

Serena had spent her life thickening her skin, thanks to the old-school misogynists that had trained her, saying she should be a GP or an obstetrician because ‘surgery is a male profession’, the members of the board who at every step belittled her opinions and Edward… the less said about him the better.

But with Bernie she found an equal, someone who understood her struggles and passed no judgement on her choices on career or motherhood. That was the draw Serena felt, she told herself, the draw of a like-minded professional that was happy to offer a listening ear and a glass of Shiraz any time.


	4. Fundraiser

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena discovers she can still turn on the charm, but isn't necessarily pleased with the results. Bernie ends up showing Serena her more vulnerable side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it really a Holby fanfic without a fundraiser? T/W mild reference to domestic violence
> 
> Thank you for all the lovely reviews :) I have a few more chapters planned but have an exam this week so they are being put on hold!
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Bernie woke to her alarm after a rather *ahem* inappropriate dream involving Serena, she’d been having these a lot recently. It was an issue, Bernie could feel herself starting to care deeply about her, like her – no – more than like her and she just didn’t know if those feelings were reciprocated.

Yes, Serena flirted, but in a way that made Bernie feel like she did it with everyone. It was an automatic reaction, a defence mechanism for Serena, a way of being a woman in a man’s world. Bernie knew all about defence mechanisms, she had quite a few of her own although they usually involved isolation and running away. She should be running from Serena, she knew that. It would only end in tears, she was falling for her fast and that couldn’t be a good thing as it probably wouldn’t go anywhere. But Bernie was being selfish, she wanted to spend time with Serena, and surely doing that as friends was better than nothing at all? Although the dreams were becoming a nuisance, an itch Bernie herself couldn’t quite scratch.

Her alarm buzzed again and she was brought back to reality. Turning over, she saw the zipped dress cover hanging on her wardrobe and groaned. It was Saturday, the day of the fundraiser. Bernie hated events like this, the schmoozing and pandering to old men with lots of money was something the introvert side of her recoiled at. However, it had been a while since she had got dressed up and she did love putting on a dress and spending time on her normally unruly hair. It felt like she was wearing a costume, giving her a new identity where people didn’t see the ex-army surgeon that had cheated on her husband and whose children hated her.

She never went over the top or too revealing, didn’t want to draw attention to herself, but just seem like an ordinary woman, melting into the background. Marcus had preferred that, if they ever went to events he liked her to be more of a trophy wife. He always hated it when people had heard of Major Wolfe and not him; despite him also being an accomplished surgeon and top of his own field, there just wasn’t as much excitement surrounding orthopaedics.

She got dressed and started out on her usual Saturday morning run, she pounded the quiet streets of Holby and thought about what Cam had said to her the other day. 

_“You need to get back out there, Mum, you can’t spend the rest of your life in that poky little flat all on your own.”_

_“Thank you for your concern, love, but I’m fine as I am. I’ve made a few friends and I do actually do things other than work, you’ll be pleased to know!”_

She had tried to ‘get back out there’ and look how that had turned out… a very good friend but nothing more. But Bernie knew deep down that she would end up comparing anyone else to Serena, and they would never be the same.

XXXXX

“Ah, Ms Campbell, could I have a quick word in your office please?” Henrik Hanssen had arrived on AAU at the worst possible time, Saturdays were always busy with people that had ignored symptoms until the weekend and to top it all off there had been an outbreak of food poisoning in a local hotel.

“Of course, what can I do for you Mr Hanssen?” she closed the door behind them, quickly running through any patients she had treated that may have made a complaint.

“Do you have any plans for tonight? If not, I’ve got something you may enjoy,” Hanssen smiled slightly.

“Oh, Mr Hanssen this is all so sudden! Normally a lady likes to be wined and dined before anything like that,” Serena tilted her head and raised one eyebrow rather seductively, which caused Hanssen to blush and clear his throat.

“I’m sorry, Ms Campbell, that’s not what I meant at all,” he said, feeling rather uncomfortable, “Unfortunately Ric has come down with something and is unable to attend the South West Hospitals fundraiser tonight, so there is a spare ticket if you’d like it?”

After today, Serena would need a drink and this event would almost certainly have a free bar. Also, she knew Bernie was going to be there. That made up Serena’s mind, “I’d love to Mr Hanssen, thank you. What time does it start?”

“Seven o’clock, I’m getting a taxi so I’ll get them to pick you up at about six-thirty?” Serena’s shift finished at five, she grimaced. That wasn’t a lot of time to get ready.

“As long as I manage to get away on time I should be fine, see you then,” she said, the paperwork would have to wait until Monday. She decided she would surprise Bernie by being there, she knew she wasn’t looking forward to an evening of small talk, especially as her ex-husband would be there.

XXXXX

Bernie looked at herself in the mirror, trying to decide which earrings to wear. She felt glamourous and had enjoyed pampering herself on her day off, something she never had much opportunity to do in her army days – any formal event had involved dress uniform and pulling her hair into a tight bun that gave her a headache after a few hours. When she had accompanied Marcus during her time between tours she’d felt on edge, trying to make sure she pleased him with how she looked. Tonight, she was dressing how she wanted.

She had straightened her hair and swept it up into an elegant clasp which she’d been given by her grandmother. She was wearing a navy blue long dress with beading details down to the waist and a halter neck and paired it with a matching gold handbag and shoes.

The taxi called and she made her way outside. She was starting to feel a little bit of dread about tonight; she hadn’t seen Marcus really since settling the divorce papers and she knew he would be unbearable if he was drunk. Hopefully, she could slip away early if he got too much.

When she got there, she was cornered by her CEO, Peter. He pointed out an older gentleman who was involved in the military and was very interested in Bernie’s Trauma Unit – she would have to sweet talk him later. She carried on chatting to Peter, sipping on her champagne, when she heard Marcus’ voice cutting over the general chatter in the background.

“Bloody hell, would you look at what’s just walked in,” he said, already a little tipsy from the aperitifs and not much to eat. “She’s got a great chest and she knows it, that dress is flaunting all the right things, don’t you think Bernie? Seeing as that’s your thing now.”

Bernie turned and was about to make a snide remark to Marcus when she saw exactly who he was talking about. It was Serena and she looked absolutely gorgeous. The black dress was cut low, clinging to her hips and flaring slightly at the bottom, accentuating Serena’s curves beautifully. What was Serena doing here?

“Tell you what, Bern, let’s have a little competition, see who can get her number first?” Ha, as if Marcus would ever be Serena’s type. He was an orthopaedic surgeon; a profession Serena regarded as “carpenters with a God complex”, and she hated arrogance. Bernie wasn’t sure which would be better, to watch Marcus try and seduce Serena, or the look on his face if she told him she already had her number.

“I’m not playing games with you, Marcus, don’t embarrass yourself.” She decided not to aggravate her ex-husband, he had already had a few drinks and she knew what he could be like. Unfortunately, before she had a chance to say hello to Serena, they were called through for dinner.

XXXXX

Serena, Henrik and Connie Beauchamp from the ED were seated on a table with doctors from St Michael’s, the maternity hospital in Bristol. She had got chatting to Paul, a consultant obstetrician, about juggling clinical work and management roles within the hospital.

“You know, some weeks go by and I barely pick up a scalpel!” As deputy CEO, Serena had a lot of paperwork to complete and the latest report on patient safety meant she was spending less time with patients than she would like to.

“I know what you mean, it’s a nightmare. In my line of work as well, when I am needed to do clinical work it’s always the difficult cases where there’s a problem with mother or baby.”

The two of them continued chatting amicably throughout the meal, although Serena kept glancing over to the table where Bernie was sat, gesticulating wildly to an older woman sat next to her. Serena could tell from here she was talking about trauma surgery, Bernie got very animated and there was always a childish spark in her eye when people asked about her passion. It was endearing, and Serena could watch her talk for hours.

Luckily there weren’t many speeches and soon the bar was opened properly, although Serena had made short work of the red at the table, the other five favouring white wine. Not Shiraz, but when it’s free one shouldn’t complain.

“I suppose we’d better both go and do some shameless grovelling now! It was great meeting you, Serena. I hope I’m not being too forward, but um, here’s my number. If you’d like to, um, you know, meet up again,” Paul said, handing her a card. She was stunned, she hadn’t really thought about Paul in _that_ way. She took it and thanked him, but deep down she wasn’t sure if she wanted to meet again. He was…nice. Similar age, similar interests, could talk about medicine but she didn’t see it going much further than that.

“Well, you’re a sight for sore eyes,” a familiar husky voice said in her ear. “Fancy seeing you here!”

She turned to see Bernie smirking, head tilted to one side. “Bernie, hi, wow you look stunning!”

She did, she really did look stunning. The dress showed the toned muscles of her back, and her hair swept up accentuated her neck. Serena suddenly realised she was staring looked down,

“You look lovely as well, Serena,”

“Ha, very good, I had precisely 35 minutes when I got home from work to get ready. Ric’s ill and Henrik decided to tell me I’d be coming to this event about 3 hours before it started!” She felt the heat rising in her cheeks at the compliment from Bernie. “Drink?”

“You read my mind,” Bernie said, her voice lowering slightly.

When they were at the bar, both of them were signalled to by their respective CEOs, causing Serena to pout.

“Duty calls, I guess. Meet you back here in half an hour? I’ll need a top up by then,”

“Deal.” Bernie headed over to be introduced to the veteran Peter had told her about earlier.

XXXXX

45 minutes later and Bernie found Serena at the bar nursing a large glass of Shiraz. She ordered a double whiskey for herself and settled down next to her. They fell into easy conversation but this was soon interrupted.

“I thought you said you weren’t going to play games with me,” Marcus sidled up close to Bernie, who physically recoiled from him, “thought you’d _cheat_ did you? Unfortunately, by the way she’s been flirting with all the men here tonight, I’d say she doesn’t bat for your team.”

“You’d better make that all the men except one, as I don’t believe we’ve spoken. Serena Campbell, vascular surgeon, head of AAU and deputy CEO of Holby City, and you are?”

“Marcus Dunn, orthopaedic surgeon at St James’, and Bernie’s ex-husband,”

“Ah, I didn't realise they had invited people that weren't management to this event!” Bernie choked slightly on her drink at this comment. Serena always managed to detect people's weaknesses and Marcus' lack of a senior position within the hospital was definitely his.

“Well, well, well Marcus, and if it isn't the one that got away!” A large, red faced balding man had joined them, patting Marcus on the back. “I heard you managed to turn her into a lesbian, is that right? What turned you, Bernie?”

“I don't really want to be having this conversation, Charles, it's really none of your business.” She and Marcus had been at medical school with Charles and Bernie had never liked him, he loved poking his nose into other people's lives.

“I can see why you went for him, if you were gay all along. He always was a bit effeminate, suited the army wife lifestyle don't you think?” Marcus growled and started towards Charles, who just laughed and wandered off. He loved getting a rise out of people and Marcus was so easy to wind up.

“Bernie, I'd like to talk to you...alone,” Marcus said, walking towards the exit onto the grounds. Bernie apologised to Serena, saying she would be back as soon as possible. She wanted to tell Marcus to back off and leave her alone.

Serena watched her follow her ex-husband across the room. Benrie didn't realise it herself but a lot of people stared after her - men and women alike. Serena knew Bernie had no clue as to how attractive she was, she probably hadn't been told much by Marcus. Serena got the feeling he hadn't shown Bernie the appreciation she deserved.

XXXXX

20 minutes later and there was still no sign of Bernie, or Marcus for that matter. Serena was bored, having spoken to most of the potential donors, so she decided she would get some fresh air and see if Bernie needed an excuse to get away.

She went out into the gardens, but couldn't see her friend anywhere. She stood for a few moments, letting the cool air hit her face, when she heard a quiet sob from round the corner, well hidden by bushes.

“Marcus, please, you've got to let it go,” Bernie said quietly.

“Do you know how much you've embarrassed me, Bern? I'm a laughing stock now, you saw how Charles was. Everyone thinks I'm a joke. I've put up with it all through our sham of a marriage. You went off to play soldiers and I was left at home, a househusband. It was degrading, and now I'm a man whose wife left him for a fucking woman!”

Bernie let out a strangled cry and Serena rushed around to see Marcus pinning her against a wall. Her hair had been pulled out of the clip and she had scratches all down her arms. A bubble of rage swelled up in Serena's chest and she had to intervene.

“Get your hands off her right now,” Serena warned, “leave her alone or I will call the police.”

Marcus stepped back and laughed, “Well, looks like your _girlfriend_ is here to save you. You're welcome to her, Serena, under that macho army exterior is just a pathetic coward.” With that he left the two of them and went back inside.

Bernie was wiping away tears and wouldn't meet Serena's eye. She hated showing vulnerability and just wanted to gather up her things and go home. She couldn't be seen like this, especially not by Serena.

“Hey, come on, let's get you home. Shall we share a taxi?”

“No, Serena, you stay. Enjoy the rest of your night, I can get back by myself.”

“I won't enjoy myself knowing what's just happened. I want to make sure you're okay -” Bernie started to interrupt but Serena stopped her by pressing a finger to her lips, “you don't have to talk about it but I am not letting you go back to an empty flat on your own. No arguments, Bernie.”

Reluctantly, Bernie let herself be led through to the entrance, stopping only for Serena to say goodbye to Henrik.


	5. Time to Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After discovering Bernie's secret, Serena wants to support and care for the normally reserved army medic. Can Bernie open up and let Serena comfort her? And how will Serena react to her feelings towards Bernie?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for domestic violence, sorry this chapter took a while, I wanted to get the tone right and hope I’ve done it justice. Sorry for the super slow burn, but it’s going to continue!

Bernie was quiet in the taxi. She hated herself for not being able to deal with Marcus herself. She had let her weakness show and in front of Serena of all people. She was conflicted, she didn’t want Serena to see her like this but at the same time she wanted to be held by her and to spill out her feelings. No one had made Bernie feel this way before, her normal defences seemed to crumble when she was with Serena and this terrified her.

Serena never took her eyes off Bernie during the journey. She looked so different, staring at her lap and refusing to meet Serena’s gaze. She seemed almost broken and Serena instinctively knew this wasn’t the first time Marcus had been aggressive towards Bernie. Her blood boiled at the thought, how dare he lay a finger on this amazing woman? When she had seen what was happening she had been overcome with anger and her heart had gone out to Bernie. She had felt an overwhelming desire to protect her, hold her and let her cry, but Bernie wouldn’t want to show that emotion, was too proud to need looking after.

Instead she reached out and gently touched Bernie’s forearm. “Do you want to stay at mine tonight, Bernie?” She didn’t want her to have to be alone after what had happened. Bernie looked up at her through her fringe. _Bloody hell, she could bring entire armies to a halt with that look._

“Oh, no Serena, you’ve done enough for me tonight, I couldn’t ask anymore of you,” Bernie murmured. She wanted to say she just wanted to be alone, but deep down she knew she didn’t.

“You’re not asking, I’m offering. I don’t mind, and I hate to think of you going back to your flat on your own.” Gratitude bubbled up in Bernie’s chest, she would never have admitted it, but the thought of going to bed in her impersonal, empty flat had filled her with dread.

“Okay then,” she said and looked back down at her lap. She wasn’t in the right frame of mind to wonder what Jason would say, to ask where she would sleep or to tell Serena just how much this simple offer had meant to her.

XXXXX

“Would you like a cup of tea? I’ve got Chamomile, always relaxes me before bed, my mother swore by it, said it helped her have a good night’s sleep…” Serena realised she was rambling. She was worried about what Bernie would think of the house but then suddenly felt stupid. Of course, Bernie wouldn’t be thinking about that, not after what had happened. “Sorry, I’ll go and get you some pyjamas and towels.”

“A chamomile tea sounds lovely,” Bernie gave her a weak smile.

“Right, I’ll pop the kettle on and you can get changed into something more comfortable, the guest bedroom is the first door on the left at the top of the stairs.” Serena busied herself in the kitchen as Bernie gathered up the long skirt of her dress so she wouldn’t fall over going upstairs.

She was sat on the bed, combing her fingers through her hair when Serena knocked gently on the door, not wanting to disturb Jason who would be fast asleep. She held out a steaming mug and a pair of Elinor’s pyjamas that she had left the last time she’d stayed. Serena’s were definitely too inappropriate to be offering to a friend, and Elinor was a similar build to Bernie.

“I’ll leave you to it, goodnight,” Serena said, placing the mug down on the bedside table.

“No, Serena… would you stay a minute?” Bernie couldn’t believe she was saying those words. Whenever something went wrong in her life she shut people out. She buried her emotions and dealt with them before putting on a front to the world. But Serena was different, she made Bernie want to open up and Bernie decided she should do that now, or else she never would.

“Of course, let’s get changed and then I can come back in here? Or we can go back downstairs if you’d be more comfortable there,” Serena didn’t want to put too much pressure on Bernie, but could tell she wanted to talk. Her heart melted at the thought that this normally reserved woman wanted to open up to her.

Bernie quickly changed and used the bathroom Serena had directed her to, splashing her face with water and glancing up in the mirror. She had dark circles under her eyes from the mascara that had run with her tears; she scrubbed at them furiously, making her eyes even redder than before. She swallowed hard, why had she asked Serena to stay with her? She had no clue what to say, what she wanted to say, but she just felt this pull towards Serena, a need to be close to her.

She made her way downstairs as they’d agreed, mug of tea in hand. She settled down at one end of the large sofa, tucking her feet under her thighs and clutching the mug into her chest. Serena gave her space, picking the armchair, diagonally across the room from Bernie. She didn’t want to push Bernie and so they sat in silence for a few minutes, both sipping on their drinks.

“Your mum was right, this is relaxing,” Bernie finally said, breaking the silence.

“I know, even though I hate to admit it! Always told her it was an old lady’s drink,” she smiled, “but mums always know best, even if their children don’t realise it at first.”

“I don’t feel like I’ve ever known best, especially not where the kids are concerned,” she admitted, “he always used to hold that over me; used to say that while I was out playing heroes I was the villain of our family.”

“Oh Bernie, that’s awful. Don’t feel like you have to talk about this now though,” Serena could see the tears welling up in Bernie’s eyes.

“No, I need to tell someone and, and you’re the only person that I have felt comfortable enough to talk to,” she dipped her head, concentrating hard on the almost empty mug of tea. “It all started with comments like that. I’d gone to university with a scholarship from the army, I was obligated to join up after I’d done my junior doctor training. He knew that before we started going out and he never once said anything against it. But after we’d married and Cam was born, he started saying things like how he was basically a housewife, how he had to stay at home whilst all his friends were out having fun, why couldn’t I be a ‘proper woman’. I started to realise he hated being an ‘army spouse’, that we would go to events with RAMC and he felt inadequate, that his wife was more ‘manly’, fighting for her country. Charlotte was going through a tomboy phase and he said it was because she didn’t have any good female role models to show her how to be a nice young lady. It was such a big issue for him, he felt emasculated. When I was back from tours, he started to become rough with me, you know, in the bedroom,” Her face started heating up; she was a true member of the British middle class when it came to talking about intimacy.

“You can say sex, Bernie, we’re both mature adults – and doctors,” Serena chuckled, trying to put Bernie at ease.

“Well, yeah, anyway… I let him, I knew I was hurting him by being away so much and if that was what he wanted to do that was fine. I wasn’t totally comfortable with it but I didn’t really have much choice. When I was at home, I tried my best to be a good wife. He was at work so I would clean, cook, do the washing, pick the kids up from school, but there was always something wrong: I’d make the curry too spicy for Charlotte, I’d put Cam’s clothes back in the wrong way, forget to take in homework. I felt like an outsider in the house but then I’d go back on tour and the kids would send me long letters telling me everything that was happening, Marcus would write declarations of love and missing me and I would send them gifts back. How crap is that? I was a better mother to my children when I was halfway round the world, and I loved my husband more when I was away from him. How completely fucked up am I?”

“There’s no need to feel ashamed, Bernie. You were trying your best in a bad situation. Did you know then that you were gay?”

“Deep down, yes, although I’d never admitted it to myself,” Tears had started to track down Bernie’s face, leaving glistening paths over her cheeks. Serena got up and grabbed the box of tissues on the coffee table and crossed the room. Sitting down next to Bernie on the sofa, she offered the tissues and, without thinking, put an arm around her shoulders, hugging her in close.

Bernie flinched at the contact; she wasn’t a big fan of physical comfort. She preferred to provide a solution rather than a shoulder to cry on, but she was tired and her defences were already down so she sank into Serena, resting her head on the crook of her neck.

Serena felt her heart start to beat a little faster, Bernie’s soft hair felt so delicate against her neck and she could feel the tension releasing from the blonde’s shoulders. It was hard for her to see her friend so vulnerable but she could tell Bernie needed to do this.

“When did the rest of it start?” she asked, and that tension returned, she felt Bernie’s back and shoulders tighten. Bernie took a deep breath and exhaled, mentally preparing herself.

“It wasn’t really that bad, he just got frustrated sometimes. I didn’t fit in with their lifestyle and was hopeless as a wife and mother,”

“Don’t make excuses for it, what he did was wrong, no matter what your mistakes were,” Serena had seen many patients that were victims of abuse and a lot of them said the same thing.

“He always apologised, it was hard for him, me being away so much. It made him feel better about being left with the kids. It would be when he was tired and got home from work, if I hadn’t quite got dinner ready on time, or if I wasn’t up for having… sex, he would just lash out. I never needed to go to hospital, it would just be bruising or scratches. I told myself it was fine because I was going back to wherever I was based soon, that I needed to put up with it to keep my marriage and my family together.”

She was sobbing into Serena’s neck now, the tears falling hot and fast onto her shoulder. She couldn’t talk anymore; the emotional release had taken over. She had never told anyone about this before, she still blamed herself for what had happened, despite what Serena had said.

Serena wasn’t surprised by this flood of emotion from Bernie; it was evident that she had been holding it in for a long time. She tried her best to soothe her, rubbing her arm gently. She looked down at the mop of blonde hair and felt a sudden urge to stroke it. She would do anything to take this pain away from Bernie. Her hair was beautifully soft, and this moment felt so natural to Serena, like time had stopped.

 _That isn’t quite normal for a friendship_ , Serena thought to herself, pondering why she felt such a draw to Bernie. Could it be possible that she liked Bernie in a more than platonic way? She knew that Bernie was attractive – anyone that looked at her knew – but Serena had always been able to see beauty in other women, without being attracted to them in a romantic way. What made Bernie different Serena didn’t know, but she was sure of one thing: she had feelings for Berenice Wolfe. _Shit_.


	6. Lazy Sunday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After an exhausting evening, they decide to have a relaxing trip into town, both of them battling with how they feel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lack of updates! I started another fic, and it took me a while to get started on this chapter. It was meant to just be a filler, but turned into the longest chapter yet!!  
> More slow burn and angst to follow!

Serena woke gradually, groaning as she stretched out in bed, feeling her joints crack and muscles protest against the strain. Turning over, she peered at her clock, rubbing sleep from her eyes to focus on the numbers. She had a slight headache from the alcohol last night, but she had slept in a bit later than she normally would on a Sunday, so most of the aftereffects had worn off.

She pulled herself out of bed and opened the curtain, it was a bright day and Serena smiled as she wasn’t working so she might be able to enjoy this rare good weather. Jason was downstairs, she could hear him getting his breakfast ready. Normally on a Sunday, if she wasn’t working, they would eat together, but she’d told him the day before that she would probably want a lie in, given she would be back late.

He was slowly getting better at adapting to Serena’s busy and unpredictable lifestyle, whilst she was learning to be more accommodating of his need for structure and stability. Her stomach growled and she decided she’d better join him, and also mention that Bernie had stayed over so he wouldn’t get too much of a shock.

She popped her head into the guest bedroom as she passed it on the landing. Bernie was sprawled across the bed, one seemingly endless leg sticking out of the covers, her blonde curls tangled and spread in all directions. Serena smiled sadly at the sight of her friend, thinking of last night. Bernie had cried and cried until her eyes had completely dried up, and she was curled into Serena shaking with sobs that made her breath catch and hiccup. Serena had simply held her until she’d fallen still, exhausted from the events of the night and the outpour of emotions that had been building up inside her for so long.

Eventually, Serena’s legs had started to go numb and she knew Bernie’s back would give her problems the next day if they had stayed on the sofa, as much as Serena wanted to stay like that forever. She had gently led Bernie up to the guest bedroom and tucked her in; Bernie herself had seemed vacant, numb, and Serena knew she would be ashamed of herself when she woke, because such a show of emotions and needing support would be weak in Bernie’s eyes. Not that Serena minded, or thought of Bernie as weak, quite the opposite in fact. She was impressed by Bernie’s resilience, of her selflessness that made her stay resolutely in an unhappy relationship for her children and because she thought it was the right thing to do.

Bernie stirred slightly in her sleep and Serena could see her face now. There was a slight tension in her expression, even though she was fast asleep. Her fringe that normally shielded her eyes was sticking up, revealing a slightly furrowed brow. If her eyes had been open Serena knew that they would be slightly widened with worry or sadness (Bernie’s eyes got narrower when she was happy and Serena realised now that she had spent a lot of time watching Bernie’s expressions over the past few months, learning to read her). Without makeup, she could see the dark circles under Bernie’s eyes, she had hinted that she never slept well, being haunted by dreams of her time in the army. Her lips were pressed together, slightly turned down at the corner, not a frown as such. Serena chuckled, remembering that Cameron had apparently once told Bernie she had a “resting bitch face” because in moments where she was thinking to herself she would look bored and indifferent.

She closed the door quietly, wanting to give Bernie as much time to rest as possible, and made her way to the kitchen where Jason was tucking into toast and peanut butter.

“Good morning Auntie Serena, did you have a nice time last night?” he said, looking up from the magazine he was reading.

“Well, it wasn’t too bad, lots of boring long speeches but the food was delicious. How was your evening?”

“I went to bed quite early, I was tired after my shift, but I did watch an episode of World’s Strongest Man after I’d eaten dinner. I’m a bit confused though, Auntie Serena, because when I came downstairs this morning, there were two empty mugs on the coffee table. Did someone come home with you last night?”

“Ah, yes Jason. You know my friend Bernie? She was at the fundraiser and was quite upset, so I brought her home with me and we had tea. Sorry I didn’t clear the mugs away, it was quite late and I didn’t want to wake you. Bernie’s in the guest bedroom, she’s still asleep at the moment.”

“Oh, I understand Auntie Serena, I’ll try not to disturb her. Alan will be here in twenty-three minutes, so I’d better get ready. I’m looking forward to meeting Bernie though, you’ve told me so much about her. I’d like to ask her about the army.” Serena smiled, Jason had been begging her to introduce him to Bernie, but they’d never quite managed to.

“I’m not sure whether she’ll still be here when you get back, Jason. But I’ll see if she’ll stay for dinner, how about that?” Jason beamed and got up to put his plate in the dishwasher.

Serena made herself a coffee and found some croissants in the cupboard. A bit stale, but they’d be fine if she heated them in the oven.  Inhaling the scent of coffee, trying to get maximum effect from the caffeine, she thought back to her revelation last night. She liked Bernie. Well, no that seemed silly, of course she liked Bernie, they were close friends. But she _liked_ Bernie, she was attracted to Bernie. She guessed she always had been, she couldn’t fail to notice that she was an incredibly good looking woman when they’d met.

The trouble was Serena had been so sure of herself, she’d never been more than friends with a woman and just hadn’t considered that she could ever have deeper feelings than that. She’d never thought about her sexuality, not that there was anything wrong with it, she had just been so sure that she was straight. She guessed that was why she hadn’t recognised the signs with Bernie, but they were so obvious to her now.

She considered what she was going to do about it. Bernie had once said to her that being attracted to women was hard because statistics weren’t on your side, and people sometimes got offended if you showed an interest and they were straight. At least Serena didn’t have this problem; she just had no clue whether Bernie felt the same way.

They’d never really spoken about the first night they met, and anyway, just because Bernie was gay didn’t mean she would be attracted to every woman she spoke to. It would be presumptuous of her to think that Bernie would want to be more than friends. She decided that she wouldn’t say anything, see if she could work out Bernie’s feelings before saying anything. She didn’t want to ruin the friendship they had.

XXXXX

Bernie stiffened as she woke in unfamiliar surroundings, the bed she was on was much softer than what she was used to, and the room around her was a soft grey, the sunlight a delicate pink as it filtered through the closed curtains. She was alert and sat up quickly as the memories of last night tumbled through her head.

Marcus...Serena…crying…being half carried by Serena up the stairs…

 _Oh, God this is embarrassing,_ she fell back against the pillows, covering her face with her hands. She couldn’t face Serena, she’d exposed too much of herself last night and did not want to talk anymore. Half of her wanted to get back to her flat, be alone, but then she remembered she only had her dress from last night, and the other part of her craved Serena’s company.

The smell of coffee drifted into the room, Serena was obviously awake already. She considered going back to sleep, but the temptation of a strong, hot coffee sent her padding quietly downstairs. She paused briefly in the doorway to the kitchen, suddenly unsure of herself. She had never been to Serena’s before, only ever waiting in the car when picking her up, and now here she was in Elinor’s pyjamas in an unfamiliar environment.

She took a moment to look around properly, the kitchen was very Serena: a large wine rack, enough cookery books to fill a library, kitchen aid, coffee machine, Aga… She imagined Serena was a very precise cook, following recipes to the letter, wearing an apron with a glass of Shiraz in hand.

Suddenly, an image flashed into her head: the two of them cooking together, Bernie being typically experimental with her cooking, throwing things in here and there, Serena leaning over her shoulder to inspect what was happening, then Bernie turning to distract her with a soft kiss on the lips. She tried to tamp down this thought, it scared her slightly. She’d never imagined scenes of domesticity before and here she was having them about her best friend. 

Serena was currently removing croissants from the oven. She stood and put them on a plate, turning around to the breakfast bar. She jumped when she saw Bernie hovering, almost sending the pastries flying across the room.

“Could you wear louder…shoes?” she asked, she hadn’t heard her coming downstairs at all. Bernie smirked, feeling completely at ease. Somehow, Serena knew that she didn’t want to talk and they could fall back into their easy friendship, for which Bernie was extremely grateful.

“Well, I would but I’m not sure heels and pyjamas are the best match in the world.” She retorted, leaning against the door frame and folding her arms.

“Sit down, Bernie, you’re making the place look untidy,” Serena said as she set down two plates and turned to get coffee. “Help yourself to breakfast then afterwards I’ll take you back to your flat. Got any plans for today?”

“Not really, I was just going to have a lazy day in front of the TV with a boxset.”

Serena frowned, “It’s such a lovely day, that would be a waste! Why don’t we go into Holby and get lunch in a café?”

Bernie grinned, excited to spend the day with this fantastic woman, even if it was just as friends. Serena returned the smile, “Game of Thrones will have to wait.”

XXXXX

They found a vintage tea shop that Essie had recommended to Serena a while ago, but she’d never got round to visiting. Sat out in the street, they watched the world go by in a comfortable silence. It was moments like these that Bernie loved; she could study Serena. Of course, she also loved when they were joking around and she would throw her head back, accentuating the muscles and tendons of her neck, or the times when Serena was riled by something (usually a sexist comment or politics) and a glint would appear in her eye and she would speak passionately and at great length. But these peaceful moments when Serena was relaxed and staring into the distance, Bernie wished they could last forever.

Serena knew she wasn’t being much of a conversationalist, but her stomach was in knots. She felt she had been quite successful in maintaining some sort of normality between them this morning, even though the sight of Bernie in pyjamas had stirred something deep inside her and she’d had to take a second before she could form any words. Now, everything about Bernie caught her attention, and she was trying her hardest to not stare at her – feigning interest in the market stalls across the street.

She saw a woman who was heavily pregnant walking out of the shop next door and suddenly remembered Paul, the consultant obstetrician she’d met the night before. She let out a low chuckle, which caught Bernie’s attention.

“Care to share what’s so funny?”

“I…um… just remembered something from last night…” she was unsure of what to say now, was it bad she wanted Bernie to seem jealous – _no that’s too strong a word_ – disappointed? “I may have given someone quite the wrong impression and ended up with their number!”

There, she’d said it, but hopefully made it clear she wasn’t interested.

“Ah, the guy you were sat next to? What’s wrong with him? You were certainly having a good conversation with him…” Bernie trailed off, realising she sounded like she had been watching Serena the whole time (which she had, wishing that she was the one receiving Serena’s complete attention, but she couldn’t admit that).

“Nothing really, we only talked about medicine though, and I’m not sure we would have much else in common. He just seemed like a generic guy, nothing was different about him. I want something different.” _Someone different_ was what she was thinking.

 _I’m different_ Bernie thought to herself, biting her tongue before she said it out loud. “You should call him. How do you know he’s not ‘different’, those sorts of events aren’t exactly the place to get to know people. You should get back out there, and he seemed really into you. He’s a great match, similar age, understands the pressures of our profession, and wasn’t he an obstetrician? That means he definitely knows his way around the female anatomy!”

Well, that settled it. If Bernie was interested in her she’d have tried to discourage her from meeting him again, agreed that he was probably boring or something like that. Instead, she was practically texting Paul on her behalf.

“Bernie!” she protested, blushing at her last comment. “Well, I guess there’s no harm in texting.”

Bernie swallowed her disappointment and smiled at her friend, as the waitress came over with the bill.

“I’ll pay, Serena, it’s the least I can do after ruining your evening,” she said, reaching into her bag. Serena knew better than to argue with her about splitting the cheque, so she just thanked her.

“You didn’t ruin it, don’t be silly. Oh, I forgot to mention, Jason said he would really like to meet you. Would you like to come back to mine for dinner? Or some other day, whenever suits you!”

“That would be lovely, shall we go and watch the boats by the river before heading back?” Bernie’s heart fluttered slightly at the mention of dinner, remembering the image from this morning.

“Sounds perfect, Bernie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They will get there....I'm sorry!!


	7. Dinner for three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bernie and Jason meet for the first time, and Serena wants it to go well, as if she were introducing Bernie to her parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has taken so long – I’ve been a bit overwhelmed with uni work and lack of motivation but I’m feeling a lot better and I really enjoyed writing this chapter :) Thank you for the lovely comments, I’ve got loads of ideas for this and the slow burn will continue! x

They passed the afternoon watching the local university teams training on the river. Bernie admired the strength and control of the rowers, the power in each stroke as they worked together to push the boat along. She had often come to the river when she was on leave, it was so different to the arid landscape she was used to on tour. It always amazed her that human beings still had no real control over the water, that everything was built around this mighty force of nature. It was as if its power could be borrowed, to transport ships and create energy but the water had a mind of its own and could turn against humankind at any moment, leaving havoc in its wake.

It put things into perspective for Bernie, that ultimately, she was not in control and that greater forces were at play in the world, so she should let go of her fears and ground herself in the moment. It often helped after she and Marcus had argued, she would sit on a bench for an hour or so, emptying her mind from the turmoil of thoughts and imaging the river carrying them out to the sea, where they would crash together in waves and disperse across the globe, lost and insignificant.

Now she was here with Serena, who was delightedly pointing out all of the different birds, identifying the males and females, telling Bernie about all of the calls, their migration patterns and colour changes in the different seasons. There was a childish pleasure on Serena's face, relaxed and carefree, not trying to impress or prove anything. It was the true Serena, Bernie thought, and probably not a side of her many got to see. She imagined that with colleagues Serena would put across a polished version of herself, flirtatious and witty but not revealing passions that might set her up for ridicule or harm her professional standing as deputy CEO. Her face was so expressive, minute twitches of muscles transforming her and her eyes sparkling in delight.

Serena was beautiful and had aged gracefully. Her wrinkles and lines told a story, showing that she had lived her life laughing and smiling. Bernie wished she could say the same for her face, but unfortunately had never quite been able to translate her own emotions into the correct muscle movements and so her face had been left with frown lines and been aged by the sun and lack of sleep from her army days.

"Bernie?" suddenly Serena's voice interrupted her train of thought, "Have you been listening to anything I've been saying?" she said, more amused than annoyed.

"Of course, a swift is the fastest bird in level flight!" she smirked, enjoying the fact that she'd proved Serena wrong, so she thought.

"It is, but I told you that about 20 minutes ago. I was just asking if you were okay to head back as I need about an hour to cook, and Jason is expecting dinner at six."

Bernie was quiet during the drive back to Serena's, pretending to be concentrating on the current affairs program currently on the radio. She was nervous about meeting Jason, Serena had told her quite a lot about him and she really wanted to get on with him. She tried to kid herself that she didn't know why, but in reality, she felt it was on a par with meeting the parents, and she wanted Jason to approve of her and think she was acceptable for Serena. Not that it really mattered that much, because she was fairly sure Serena didn’t have those sorts of feelings towards her.

The problem was that Bernie had never been one for having really close friendships with other women. At school, she had been quiet and awkward, throwing herself into her studies and sports. She had plenty of friends, like-minded people with whom she got on, but once she left for university she didn't really speak to them again.

She was still in touch with a couple of friends from medical school, but she'd only been associated with them through Marcus and she wouldn't consider them confidantes at all. In the army, there wasn't much opportunity to talk about deeper feelings. She had some great friends whom she trusted with her life, but she had never had a friend that had seemed genuinely interested in her as a person and what she thought and how she felt.

That's why she couldn't work out what was going on between her and Serena. She wasn't sure if Serena considered her as a friend or was interested in something more. Sometimes she had seen Serena watching - maybe one could say studying - her, but Serena was a reflective person who liked to be able to read people like books so she could build relationships with them. So maybe Bernie's feelings weren't reciprocated, she could live with that. She just let a tiny bit of her hope that they were.

"You're in a very thoughtful mood today, Bernie. Is something troubling you?" Serena suspected it was what had happened last night that was playing through Bernie's mind, and whilst she respected Bernie's right to stay silent on the matter she was a great believer in 'a problem shared is a problem halved'. She didn't have much time for a stiff upper lip, knowing how toxic it could be for people's mental health.

"Mmmm," was all she got in reply.

"Look, you may not want to talk about it but I'll just say this: you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. I don't think any less of you after last night, in fact, I think you have been incredibly strong and I want you to know that I am always happy to listen and provide a strong mug of tea and a shoulder to cry on. You don't have to say anything, I know it's hard to admit these things for the first time. I know it's not quite the same, but I pretended for so long that things were fine with Mum, and well, you know it nearly broke me."

"Thank you, Serena, it means a lot. It feels weird that I've told someone, a good weird, and I'm glad, but I'm not sure I can talk about it anymore. Not at the moment," she smiled softly, trying to convey her gratefulness to Serena, which was tricky as she was driving and had her eyes on the road.

"That's fine, Bernie. Come on, let's go and get this dinner sorted.” As Serena said this she reached out to brush Bernie's knee, a small act of friendly comfort, but both of them felt a small charge of electricity as they connected. Neither said a word, too busy trying to deny they'd felt it, just because they were sure the other wouldn't have noticed.

XXXXX

"Hi, Jason. we're back," Serena called as she came through the door, hearing the faint sounds of Countdown on the television.

"I was beginning to worry Auntie Serena, you only just have enough time to cook the shepherd’s pie."

"It's okay, Jason, I have a helper today. I asked Bernie to join us,"

Hearing this, Jason hurried out into the hallway. "Reporting for duty, sar" he said, saluting and grinning broadly. "Auntie Serena's told me all about you," he paused, peering at her so she felt under scrutiny. "Your hair's much better than she described." he declared, after a couple of seconds.

Bernie let out a short, characteristic honk which startled Jason, and Serena flushed with embarrassment. Surely, Bernie would now be wondering why on earth she had been telling Jason about her hair. She'd forgotten she'd even described it to him, but he was very good at remembering small snippets of information that she would rather he forgot.

"I have a lot of questions for you, Bernie, but I don't want dinner to be late, so I shall save them for when we are eating, if that's okay,"

"Jason, she doesn't want to spend the entire evening talking about the army." Serena chastised him gently, knowing how intense he could sometimes be.

"No, it's fine Serena, you can ask me anything Jason and I'll do my best to answer," Bernie was already fond of Jason, she liked his no nonsense approach to communication. Some might find it rude, but she identified with the simplicity of asking a question to get an answer. She hated people pussy-footing around a subject before they got to the point. It normally wasted time and created misunderstandings.

Jason went back to the living room, whilst Bernie and Serena made their way into the kitchen. Despite Serena saying Bernie was going to be a 'helper' she definitely felt like a spare part. She had no clue where anything was and so ended up delaying Serena as she would have to stop what she was doing to get whatever Bernie was meant to be fetching.

Eventually settling on sorting out the mashed potatoes, whilst Serena made the mince, Bernie started to get a warm feeling about the whole situation. She relished the work of mashing the potatoes, refusing the fancy gadget Serena had. Serena was glad she'd refused, watching Bernie's arms flex and tense against the resistance was a delight.

Once she'd done she hovered behind Serena and managed to steal a small spoonful of the savoury mince. "You should try adding a bit of Worcestershire sauce to that, it really lifts out the different flavours, gives it a bit of a kick."

Serena pursed her lips and raised one eyebrow, "Since when were you the next Gordon Ramsay? As I recall, you always eat a big meal when we're out, because you don't have any food in," she'd always suspected that Bernie couldn't cook, thinking that army life had meant that she never needed to learn.

"I can cook, it's just I don't see the point if it's only for one. I prefer making big meals, I used to do loads at uni, for everyone in my flat. I am however, terrible at baking. It is far too precise, I'd much rather just throw things in and make it up as I go along, which means my cakes always turn out a funny texture."

"I'm going to hold you to that now, you are definitely going to have to cook for me at some point. I would take your advice but this is the same recipe I always use and I'm not sure Jason would appreciate the change. He has quite specific tastes."

"Hang on, I'll ask him," Bernie announced as she bounced out of the kitchen. Serena smiled fondly, she could now see Bernie in the kitchen, splatters of sauce on the sides, pans bubbling over because she'd get distracted. If she was honest she was enjoying the two of them working together to make this dinner and she had started imagining what it would be like to have someone else in the house, sharing the chores.

She shook her head, expelling those thoughts. She didn't even know whether Bernie was attracted to her in the slightest and here she was imagining living with her. She was just lonely, that was all, maybe looking for more plausible options wouldn't be a bad idea. Bernie had encouraged her to message Paul. Maybe she would, but he was just a bit boring and she didn't want to settle, she wanted something exciting, that made her heart beat a bit faster and started butterflies in her stomach.

Bernie gave her these feelings, but she didn't want to have them if they weren't reciprocated and so maybe distracting herself would be the answer.

Meanwhile, Bernie approached Jason who was concentrating on the maths problem. She could almost see the synapses firing off in his brain.

"Got it!" He declared, before turning in his seat, "I'm a lot better at the numbers than the words, how about you Bernie?"

"If I'm honest Jason, I'm fairly rubbish at both. As soon as I've started to think about it the time's up,"

"You just need to practice more, then you'll get quicker. You can watch it with me, I can help you!  How is dinner going?"

"It's just about to go in the oven, but I wanted to ask you something first. Would you mind if I added a bit of Worcestershire sauce to the mince? My mum always used to, but I know that you like how Serena makes it," Jason looked thoughtful for a second.

"As long as you don't change anything else, I think it might be quite nice." Simple as that, he turned back to the TV. Bernie smiled, pleased that she seemed to have got in his good books, and returned to the kitchen.

"Get out the Lea and Perrins! He says as long as everything else is exactly the same, he'd like to try it. I guess if he knows what's going into the food he doesn't mind too much,"

Hearing this Serena had mixed feelings. On the one hand, she was glad that Bernie had such a good rapport with Jason after the first meeting, on the other, she felt disappointed in herself that she had just assumed he would not like change and that it was Bernie who had found the compromise. She didn't say any of this, just grabbed the bottle out of the cupboard and carefully stirred it in with the mince.

XXXXX

As expected, Jason bombarded Bernie with questions about the army, which she answered as best she could. His knowledge of military history and tanks was far better than her own however, and she couldn't satisfy all of his enquiries.

Serena watched fondly, she was glad that Bernie was so patient with him, unlike Robbie had been. They seemed to bring each other out of their respective shells, Serena knew Bernie had some bad memories of the army, but talking about military tactics and life in Kandahar, rather than the times when she'd operated on friends and children, Bernie had a sparkle in her eye.

As they all finished their meal and sipped on their drinks, Shiraz for Serena and Bernie, of course, a comfortable silence settled in the room. Each of them were lost in their own thoughts, Serena deciding that the three of them made a funny sort of family, all of them had lost so much but it was nice that they had found each other. Bernie could feel an ache in her chest, one of regret that she had never really had these moments with her own children and husband. Jason was thinking hard, brow furrowed. He broke the silence first.

"You're tricky Bernie, but I think I've finally worked it out," The two women looked at him, their faces mirroring each other's confusion.

"You're an owl, you're very logical, but don't communicate much. Auntie Serena's a sparrow," Serena laughed, hoping Bernie wouldn't be too put off by Jason's habit of comparing people to birds. Bernie chuckled as well, not quite sure what to make of the situation.

"Thank you, Jason, I think," she paused and yawned widely. The events of the last twenty-four hours catching up on her. "I think I'd better get back. I've got a long shift tomorrow and don't really want to be falling asleep into someone's abdominal cavity!"

Both she and Serena stood up. "Let me take you back home," Serena offered.

"Are you sure? I'm happy to get a taxi, I've taken up far too much of your time this weekend," normally Bernie hated feeling like she was in someone's debt, but Serena made it seem like nothing was too much to ask. She also wasn't a big fan of taxis, the awkward small talk made her uncomfortable.

"I'll get some shoes on, Jason would you mind clearing up? I won't be long," Serena said.

XXXXX

It was only a short drive and they chatted about the various surgeries they had booked in over the next week, both moaning that they probably wouldn't get them all done as invariably some emergencies would come in, ruining the best laid plans.

Serena pulled into the car park for the block of flats and before she got out, Bernie turned to look at her. Their eyes met and the air grew heavy between them. Bernie had so many words on the tip of her tongue that she couldn't quite form. Serena's eyes were soft, showing a small amount of concern but Bernie felt like they were staring straight into her soul.

"Thank you, Serena, you've been such a great friend. I don't know what I'd have done if you hadn't helped to distract me," she said, her voice soft and almost cracking. She bit back the tears, startled by how easily they had welled up in her eyes. Normally it took a lot for her to cry, but Serena seemed to bring out Bernie's emotions. She wasn't sure if this was a good thing or not.

"Don't worry about it, that's what friends are for. I know you'd do the same for me, and any time you need another distraction just give me a call!" Bernie knew that she did not need to talk to Serena Campbell for her to provide a distraction, but she didn't want the slight blush now on her cheeks to show, so she jumped out of the car quickly.

"See you later!" she called, just as she was shutting the car door.

Serena sat for a moment, wondering what had just happened. Bernie had practically leapt out of the seat and she couldn't for the life of her think why. That woman was an enigma and Serena wished she could be the one to crack her, learn exactly how she ticked. She doubted that anyone had got close to working out Berenice Wolfe. With a small twitch of the corners of her mouth, she started the engine.

XXXXX

She got home to find Jason watching an episode of World's Strongest Man, the dishwasher whirring away to itself. She poured the remains of the bottle into a glass and collapsed heavily into the sofa, earning a disapproving look from Jason.

“Do you think Bernie was annoyed I called her an owl?” he asked, worried he’d hurt her feelings. “She left very quickly after I said that. Should I apologise to her?”

Serena’s heart melted at this, a lot of people assumed that people with Asperger’s couldn’t understand other people’s emotions and while it was true that Jason sometimes mistook sarcasm and didn’t always think of how his words affected others, he hated upsetting people.

“No, Jason, she wasn’t annoyed at all. She was just very tired, and sometimes she wants to be on her own. When she’s with people her battery levels drop and she needs some time alone to recharge.” Serena knew Bernie was a classic introvert, little did she know that being with Serena just energised her. She could never tire of being in her company.

“Oh, I understand. Do you think she’ll be coming round again? She said she’s not very good at Countdown and I told her she could watch it with me to practise.”

Serena imagined the three of them in the lounge, watching the TV, Jason trying to get as many words as he could, Bernie curled into Serena’s side as they tried to beat each other, their competitive nature coming through.

“I’m sure she’d like that, Jason, we’ll have to see.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I do not agree that Bernie’s face is anything but gorgeous, I felt it was in character for her to be a little self-deprecating. She is beautiful and Serena will help her to see that herself (eventually!!). 
> 
> Up next: They finally work together and they turn theatre into a huge Sapphic Angst Fest


	8. Trauma Training

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bernie has been called in to Holby City AAU to train them in trauma techniques, leading to the two surgeons operating together. Everyone on the ward can see how well they work together and their undeniable sexual chemistry, but both of them are still too scared to admit their feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments and kudos, it's really encouraging that people are still enjoying this (especially since it's my first ever attempt at writing things!)  
> As promised, we have the Sapphic Angst Fest in theatre, I hope I've got the tone right! (It was fun to write, even if I did get very distracted by researching different types of trauma surgery) I got a bit carried away with the build up to it, but still.... Enjoy! :) x

 

"Hey, Mum, how are you?" Cameron seemed to be getting taller every time they met up and he wrapped Bernie up in a hug. She squeezed him to her, glad that she was closer to him now and overcoming her usual aversion to the close physical contact.

"Okay, okay, you can let go now Mum! Jesus you'd think you hadn't seen me in years!" In truth, it was the sort of hug she'd give him when she had just got back from tour. He knew that she loved the army and as a young boy it was brilliant being able to talk about your Mum the soldier, but as he got older he felt second best. He knew his Mum loved him, but had often been annoyed that it wasn't enough to keep her at home.

"Sorry love, I'm just pleased to see you that's all," she was grateful that one of her children seemed keen to rebuild the relationship she had so selfishly shattered. "How are you, anyway?"

They had been keeping in touch by text but Bernie was terrible at replying and so their last contact had been about two weeks ago.

"I'm really good thanks, I've got some brilliant news!" At this Bernie furrowed her brow, wondering what on earth he could be about to tell her, "No need to look so concerned, you're not going to be a grandma or anything! I’ve managed to get an elective sorted over the summer, at Holby City hospital. I wanted to get a bit of clinical experience before I’m thrown back into final year. It should really help when I apply for F1 jobs.”

"Ah, that's great Cam I'm so proud of you. I'll get us a drink, make yourself at home." She went through to the kitchen as Cam made himself comfy on the small sofa, looking round the room at the drab decorations and impersonal colours. There were a couple of photographs of Cam and Charlotte, one of Bernie receiving her first medal and Bernie as a child, with her parents and a huge German Shephard.

"Have you considered redecorating, Mum? This place doesn't feel very homely. It can't be nice coming back here after work."

"I hadn't really noticed. I don't think I'm allowed to redecorate though, it was a fully furnished flat," Bernie was telling a half-truth there, she _hadn't_ noticed how dull and lifeless her flat was, until three days ago when she'd got back from Serena's. She set the two mugs of tea down and lowered herself onto the sofa.

Bernie had never been one for collecting ornaments, preferring to have memories in journals and photo albums, but she envied the personality and character in Serena's house. There was a story behind everything she owned, Bernie was sure of it. She herself was never someone that wanted to show off, but coming back on Sunday evening, she was glad Serena hadn't been inside her flat, because she might have thought that Bernie didn’t really care about her living space.

"Well, you should look for somewhere a bit more permanent, if you're planning on sticking around, that is," Cam was surprised that Bernie seemed to have settled into civilian life, especially working in the NHS with its slower pace and endless bureaucracy and paperwork. He was always expecting her to call him to say she was back in Kandahar. Even more so since the affair had come to light and his parents had divorced.

They'd had a difficult relationship and, despite trying to hide it from the children, Cam and Charlotte had often heard them arguing at night. He'd always blamed Bernie for being away so much, but the way Marcus had spoken about her after the divorce had been worrying. Yes, he was angry, but Cam now suspected that his father had contributed his fair share into the breakdown of their marriage. 

"Of course I am, I couldn't leave you and Charlotte again. I know I've said it countless times and I'll never be able to make it up to you, but I am sorry that I didn't see how me being away was affecting you," she hadn't been there for the important things, wiping Charlotte's tears when she'd split up with her first boyfriend, celebrating with them both when they'd got exam results, and she would always regret it. She didn't want to miss any more of their lives, she had realised that when she was told she had almost died on the operating table. She couldn't leave now.

A small voice in the back of her head intruded, reminding her of another reason she wanted to stay in the UK, actually, in Holby - Serena. She laughed at herself, she never thought she'd meet someone that would affect her decisions so strongly.

"Are you sure that Charlotte and I are the only reasons you couldn't leave?" He saw that her face had softened slightly, a warmth in her eyes. He knew Bernie thought of herself as difficult to read, but he was his mother's son and because of their similarities he could basically tell what she was thinking.

"Well, the trauma unit is doing well, and I have big plans for expanding it," Bernie flushed, trying to divert back to her favourite subject when she was embarrassed.

"You've met someone, haven't you?" Cameron grinned, "Tell me everything, what's she like? Does she work at St James'? Oh wait, no I reckon Dad would have said something. Oooh, did you meet at the gym, trying to impress each other with how much you can lift?"

Bernie was honking with laughter, partly at Cam's eagerness, and partly at the image of Serena lifting weights. She'd have to tell her about this later.

"No, no, I haven't met anyone. Not like that anyway, but I have started making friends and I like Holby, so that's that," she wanted to ask after Charlotte, they hadn't spoken since the divorce, but Cameron had other ideas.

"Are you sure you're just friends? That little lovesick puppy face tells a different story, you've got your eye on someone, haven't you?" He had a mischievous smile, he could see she was getting flustered and he was determined to get the truth.

"Well, I mean, sort of, not really, she's nice and everything, but she's straight and not interested so it doesn't really matter,"

"For a world-famous surgeon, you can be rather dense can't you, Madre? Are you one hundred percent sure she's straight? Have you tried turning on the irresistible Wolfe charm?"

"I don't know Cam, she's a really good friend and I don't want to ruin it. I'm fairly sure anyway, she's got a guy's number and might be meeting up with him."

"That doesn't mean anything these days, she could be bisexual, she could just be going because she's lonely and the real object of her desires is as blind as a bat when it comes to recognising flirting. She might be trying to make you jealous and prompt you into action,"

"You watch far too many films, Cam." She brushed him off but that little voice came back. What if he was right?

He finally dropped the subject and started telling her stories of the homeless shelter he volunteers at. Apparently, there was an F2 that also volunteered there, with whom he was quite taken. “I’m not going to push anything though, she’s recently widowed. She seems nice but I don’t want to start something that isn’t going to last when I go back to uni.”

Bernie was proud of how much he had matured, a few years ago he’d probably have jumped straight into a relationship, not thinking about the future.

"Just one last thing," he said, getting up to go, "Charlotte says can you stop texting her," Bernie's face dropped. "I'm working on her, Mum, I'm really trying. She wants to forgive you, I'm sure deep down. She needs a little more time though. She's inherited your stubbornness."

"Thank you, love. It means a lot," she gathered him into another bone crushing embrace then let him go.

XXXXX

Serena knocked on Hanssen's door, unsure of why she'd been called for a meeting. She'd managed to finish the staffing report a day early and as far as she was aware there hadn't been any major issues this week.

"Enter," came the stern voice from behind the door. Now she was really worried, but she opened the door purposefully. Her mother had always said the more nervous you feel, the more confident you should pretend to be.

"Ms. Campbell, I have a proposition for you, take a seat,” He gestured across his immaculate and precisely organised desk and she perched in one of the chairs facing him. “As you know, this area is seeing a large increase in the number of trauma patients,”

Serena was puzzled by where this conversation was going, “St James’ is the major trauma centre for this region,” she pointed out. She was more than aware that they had a world-renowned trauma surgeon heading it up.

“Absolutely, however, it has become a victim of its own success, almost all cases are being sent there and they are becoming rather swamped. For that reason, Peter Clark, the CEO of St James’ has proposed that we take more minor cases,”

Bernie had mentioned recently that demand had gone up and her unit had been struggling with the number of referrals, but she’d never said anything about a collaboration between the two hospitals.

“How does this involve me exactly? Would minor trauma not be Mrs. Beauchamp’s concern?” She couldn’t imagine Connie would be too pleased to find out her department was being overlooked for something like this. For Serena, opening a trauma unit on top of leading AAU and being deputy CEO had the potential to overwhelm her, and she didn’t like to think what Jason would have to say about her having an even busier schedule.

“The ED are currently having staffing issues and I’m not sure they could cope with the extra workload. Also, as trauma often has a vascular element, would it not make more sense for patients to be sent straight to a surgical ward, with a vascular surgeon at its helm?”

Serena sighed, knowing he was right. When patients came through the ED there was often a delay in getting them to surgery, and this could lead to complications.

“Of course, the logistics and funding are something we must discuss with the board, I just wanted to put the idea to you first. Also, staff on AAU would require some additional training in trauma care and surgery. The trauma lead, Ms. Wolfe, is likely to be coming here to help get the ward up to scratch in trauma techniques.”

“Oh, she never said anything to me,” Serena bit her lips as she had said this, not meaning to say the words out loud.

“Are you already acquainted with Ms. Wolfe?” Everyone thought that Hanssen was not interested in the personal lives of his employees, however Serena had worked with him long enough to know that, although he was not one to gossip, he absorbed snippets of information about staff. She was sure by the slightly amused look in his eyes that he had heard about the blind date fiasco, not that he would ever admit it, or probe her for details.

“We met through mutual friends a couple of months ago and I saw her at the fundraiser this weekend, so thought maybe she would have mentioned it then,” Serena tried to keep her voice level and hoped Hanssen didn’t notice the slight flush that was rising in her cheeks.

“So was _she_ the reason you left early, you were meant to be charming the wealthy sponsors, not doctors from the rival hospitals,” He teased, but quickly blanched at the glare he received.

“I don’t know what you’re implying Henrik, but I hope I do not hear of any rumours of Ms Wolfe and I being anything more than friends…for your sake.”

He held his hands up in defeat and Serena felt a little foolish for denying things quite so forcefully. It probably looked more suspicious. Still, she was confident Henrik wouldn’t pass comment to her or anyone else, for which she was grateful.

“As a matter of fact, it was at the fundraiser that Peter and I started discussing it, so Ms Wolfe is probably only being told today as well. I’m glad that you two have an established friendship, hopefully it means there won’t be too many ego clashes. Anyway, providing Ms. Wolfe is agreeable, she’ll be here on Friday. I may come down and visit, I’ve heard great things about her and would love to watch the two of you in surgery together. I’m sure you’ll make quite the team.”

Serena took this as a dismissal and thanked Henrik, and couldn’t suppress the grin that appeared on her face. The prospect of working with Bernie was giving her butterflies, she had always wondered what she would be like in theatre, and soon she would find out. She really hoped that her own surgical skills lived up to Bernie’s undoubtedly high standards.

XXXXX

When she got back to the ward she found Fletch and Morven sat at the nurses’ station, drinking coffee.

“Anyone would think you two didn’t have any lives to save or paperwork to do,” she said, startling both of them.

“Sorry, Ms. Campbell, I’m just waiting for Mr. Dixon’s CT report to come back, and Fletch has finished his obs round,”

“Don’t worry, Serena, everything’s in order,” Fletch grinned, knowing that Serena was only pretending to tell them off.

“Good, let’s keep it like this for the next two days, we’ve got a visitor on Friday,” she filled them in on the plan for Bernie to train the ward up. “So, the ward needs to be ship-shape ready for her.”

“Trying to impress her, are we? A bit of ‘my ward’s better than yours’ competition to create some tension between you, then showing off in theatre, making eyes at each other over some poor patient who will be completely forgotten on the operating table. I have to say Serena, I like your style although I’d go for something a bit more conventional, and we’d better not walk in on you two in any store cupboards” Fletch earned himself a hard smack on the arm for these comments. The team knew that Serena and Bernie had become good friends and he and Raf had a bet on as to when that friendship would turn into something more.

“Adrian Fletcher will you get your mind out of the gutter for once in your life,” Serena scolded him lightly, trying to brush off the insinuations. Morven chuckled nervously and made some excuse about bloods she needed to chase.

“Honestly, Fletch, we are friends and I’d rather you didn’t make any of those comments around us,” Serena was fairly confident he could keep his mouth shut, but she wanted to make sure.

“Of course, Serena, sorry. I’d err, better get back to-” he gestured vaguely and wandered off, leaving her alone with her thoughts.

What would it be like working with Bernie? She had no doubt of her talents, the name Major Wolfe was world renowned and Serena had read quite a few articles written by her in the past. She couldn’t help wanting to impress Bernie in theatre, like a favourite teacher at school.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket and she pulled it out quickly, thinking it was probably Jason but she was surprised to see Bernie’s name flashing up on the screen:

**Have you heard? Apparently, we’ll be working together on Friday, hope you’re ready to learn a thing or two ;)**

She laughed out loud, startling a nearby nurse, and quickly tapped out a reply:

**Ha, a bit of trauma surgery is nothing compared to the intricacies of vascular! See you on the battlefield, Major!**

They often teased each other as to whose specialty was better and Serena felt a little giddy at the thought of seeing Bernie operate. She of course had the utmost respect for her friend’s profession, as Hanssen had said, vascular and trauma surgery often went hand in hand, and she was looking forward to sharing a theatre with her.

XXXXX

Friday came around quickly enough and Bernie for once woke early. She could feel her stomach squirming with anticipation. She was nervous and she had no idea why: all today was about was training a team of healthcare professionals in trauma surgery. She’d been doing it for years, but somehow because she was about to be working alongside Serena she felt like a teenager. It was ridiculous really, but she had been imaging Serena’s hands skilfully repairing arteries and the look of concentration that would be on her face, wide eyes visible between the mask and the scrub cap.

She wanted to be early, perhaps get a coffee for Serena and herself before going onto the ward, so she quickly showered and picked out her outfit. She went for her trademark skinny black jeans and a cream and black striped blouse. She deliberated for a while over her two favourite jackets, the pale pink or the military green, opting for the latter as it was a mild day and that one was a bit lighter. She pondered for a second why she was thinking so carefully about what she was wearing, she never normally did for work and besides she’d be wearing scrubs for most of the day.

She arrived at Holby City about 20 minutes early, and mercifully there wasn’t a queue at the coffee shop, two coffees – strong and hot, just how they both liked them before a long shift. She considered getting a pastry but decided against it, she doubted she could stomach any food at the moment.

AAU was fairly easy to find, and she rang the buzzer on the doors, wondering if Serena would be in already. A doctor came up behind her and used his card to swipe them in.

“They’re all useless at answering the call button on this ward,” he grinned at her. He was Scottish, dark haired, friendly faced. She was fairly sure this must be Raf, Serena had mentioned him several times.

“You must be Ms. Wolfe, Raf de Lucca,” he offered his hand then awkwardly dropped it, seeing the two coffees she was holding, “I have to say I’m very excited about the trauma plans and having you train us up.”

“Call me Bernie, please, it’s lovely to meet you.”

“I’ll show you to the consultant’s office, Serena’s probably here already, she wanted to make sure the ward was on top form before you arrived,” he trailed off, looking down at his feet as if he’d said something he shouldn’t. They crossed the ward in silence, Bernie wondering why on earth Serena would be so concerned as to what state the ward was in. Was she trying to impress her?

She looked around the ward, everyone busy with patient observations, drawing blood, chasing results on the phone. It looked like a well-oiled machine, but she knew that acute wards could go from calm to chaos in a matter of hours, despite the best leadership.

Raf knocked on the door to the consultant’s office and then muttered something about needing to chase a CT scan. “Come in,” Serena called, and Bernie expertly used her hip to push on the door handle.

“Good morning, I’m looking for a Ms. Campbell, I’m meant to be showing her how it’s done in theatre today,” she grinned at Serena who had just looked up from a pile of paperwork. Bernie couldn’t be sure, but she thought Serena’s eyes had lit up in delight when she spoke, although now they were narrowed slightly in mock annoyance.

“Well, I’m currently waiting for a Ms. Wolfe who is going to be shown that I’m not called one of the best vascular surgeons in the country for no reason, and could handle the ‘patch ‘em up and pitch ‘em out’ of trauma blindfolded if she prefers,” she quipped back. Bernie stretched out her arm, offering Serena one of the cups.

“Oh, don’t tempt me Ms. Campbell,” she said before her caffeine deprived brain had realised the connotations. She cleared her throat and looked down, missing Serena’s hard swallow and deep breath to try and reduce the fluttering in her chest.

“Hmm, I’m not sure even I could handle two coffees in quick succession,” Serena said, wanting to move the conversation quickly on, trying to remove the intrusive thoughts that were currently occupying her mind. She pointed to her desk and Bernie then noticed two cups of coffee that had been hidden by a pile of patient notes.

They drank the coffees Serena had bought first as they were cooler, Bernie just going over the schedule for the day. They would be practicing techniques on mannequins unless anybody actually required trauma attention, in which case the team would get to put their skills into practice.

They had a bay of beds empty, as Serena had worked hard the day before to ensure that patients were being discharged or transferred to the most appropriate wards, and the ED had been told not to send any cases up to AAU unless they required immediate surgery (and even then, they should try Darwin or Keller first).

The team gathered here, all of the doctors and a few of the surgical nurses were there for the training, leaving a few more junior nurses and the HCAs caring for the current patients. Serena introduced Bernie to them, giving her a glowing review which left Fletch and Raf smirking. They’d watched the two consultants through the blinds in the office and couldn’t help but notice how Bernie hadn’t taken a seat, rather leant against Serena’s desk, arms folded and smiling down at the brunette. Serena reclined in her chair and had spent the entire ten minutes gazing at Bernie with what Fletch described as ‘heart eyes’ (a term he had learnt from Evie).

“Drinks are on you tonight, mate, those two are totally getting it on,” Fletch muttered, as Bernie thanked Serena for the introduction.

XXXXX

The morning was flying past, Bernie was totally in her element. She loved teaching, it was a purposeful communication which came naturally to her. She was confident in her abilities but didn’t patronise or scold people and the whole team were enthusiastic. Serena was making copious notes, every suggestion from Bernie was scribbled down. She wanted to get the most out of this, and having a minor trauma unit would be great for AAU’s funding so she had to take everything on board. 

They paused for lunch, and Bernie and Serena went down to Pulses. Bernie found them a booth while Serena queued up, so she took a moment to reflect on the morning. It had been fun and fairly easy, all of them were used to fast paced decision making and the art of prioritising patients, so it had just been a case of getting them used to the specialised trauma equipment and surgical techniques.

They were a great team, she could see now why Serena called them a family. She was jealous in a way, whilst she got on with her colleagues and they all had good working relationships, there wasn’t so much camaraderie. She wasn’t sure whether it was her, Serena definitely played the mother role on the ward and Bernie wasn’t really that sort of leader. It was partly the army and partly her more introverted nature.

She was presented with a toastie and a fresh coffee, as Serena sat down opposite her. “Well, Morven is completely taken with you, Bernie, I can tell she’s not going to stop talking about trauma for the foreseeable future,”

Bernie had liked the F2, she was competent and aware of her own limitations but very eager to advance her skills. She also would always hold a soft spot for her because it had been her that indirectly introduced her and Serena, not that she’d ever admit it.

“She has the makings of a fine surgeon, I might try and convince her to come over to St. James’ for registrar training,”

“Hey, no poaching my staff, especially not if my ward’s going to have to pick up all the stragglers that your ward can’t cope with,” Serena grinned, not meaning anything by it, but Bernie still aimed a light kick underneath the table, causing Serena to gasp in mock offence.

The both laughed, but were interrupted by Bernie’s pager. She looked at the screen and called the number back, brow furrowed in concentration as she listened. As soon as the call was finished she was on her feet, beckoning for Serena to follow.

“We’ve got a patient coming in, ETA 15 minutes, fallen from a ladder, possible fractured right clavicle and the paramedics reckon there’s a subclavian artery injury.”

The rest of the team were paged and ready to go as Bernie handed over the patient. Although this was an emergency, they still had a bit of time for some teaching, thanks to the efficiency of everyone.

“28 year old male, fell from 6 feet. GCS is 14 and neck cleared at the scene which is a good sign, but apparently the radial pulse in his right arm is non-existent. He has significant bruising all down his right side and although he is breathing well at the moment we can’t rule out broken ribs. Morven, what’s our starting point going to be?”

“Take him through to theatre immediately, get a portable X-ray to check for rib fractures and pneumothorax, then examine the arm and assess for a subclavian artery injury, possibly using angiography.” She had been revising and listening closely this morning which earned her a ‘brilliant’ from Bernie.

“Ms. Campbell, you’ll be leading, how would you like to proceed?”

“Well, providing the arm is still viable, a midline sternotomy to repair the artery and possible clavicle fracture, if the tissue is too damaged due to lack of blood supply then we may have to consider amputation.”

“Hmm, yes that’s one way we could do it. I always find midline sternotomies a bit messy though, don’t you?” Bernie had another idea, it wasn’t the usual technique but she had used it in the past with good results.

“And what would you suggest, Ms. Wolfe?” Serena was stumped, that was the standard treatment for this kind of injury, and there was no evidence based alternative as far as she was aware.

“We put in a stent through the brachial artery, it closes off the tear and only requires a small incision on the wrist, reducing risk of infection and shortening the hospital stay, providing the clavicle isn’t displaced.”

It was a good idea, one that Serena remembered reading about in a journal recently, but unfortunately there had only been one study and the results were mixed, plus Holby didn’t have the right sort of stents, so unfortunately this innovative surgery was off the cards.

Bernie pouted slightly when she pointed this out, and grumbled about the cash-strapped NHS as they made their way into theatre, scrubbing up next to each other.

Two minutes later the patient was wheeled into theatre, having been anaesthetised and an X ray was taken of his chest. He did have some rib fractures but they didn’t appear to have compromised the lung, however the collarbone was in a bad state. It had torn through the artery and possibly the vein that was supplying the arm.

Bernie and Serena looked at each other over the tops of their masks, and instinctively they both knew what the other was thinking. Bernie made the first incision, mirroring the cut that had been made on her own chest, and got to work opening the sternum.

Working together was more than either of them could have hoped for. They were seamless, even though they were working in such close proximity they never got in the other’s way. Bernie was working to piece together the collarbone, using plates and pins, whilst Serena was intricately repairing the blood vessels. Fletch, who was also scrubbed in, kept trying to start a conversation, but the two of them were so engrossed in the work that he gave up, and the only words spoken were requests for different tools and the odd “lovely, Ms Campbell,” or “beautifully done Ms. Wolfe”.

There was an odd atmosphere in the room, it was charged and tense, but it wasn’t due to the two consultants not getting on, as was often the case. It was almost imperceptible, but Fletch could see that when the two women caught each other’s eye they seemed to have a silent conversation.

Both of them noticed the difference, neither had been in a surgery where they had felt so at ease with a colleague. Bernie couldn’t help but admire Serena’s hands, and often had to check her thoughts and stop imagining those same fingers delicately teasing her. She was glad of the mask as she was blushing furiously, but no one else seemed to be paying her any attention.

Serena finished first and checked the blood flow had been restored to the patient’s fingers. She relaxed slightly, aware that she hadn’t been her usual self because she had felt the stakes were so much higher today. She couldn’t afford to make a mistake, to let Bernie down, so she had been quiet in theatre, trying to concentrate solely on the artery and vein in front of her. It had been tricky, especially as all of her other senses were distracted by Bernie, the fresh, citrus scent of her perfume, the rustling of the gown as she moved around the table, her hot breath close to Serena’s face as they both stood over the patient’s chest.

A few minutes later, Bernie put down the drill she’d been using and looked up at Serena, eyes sparkling with energy. “Would you like to close up the sternum, Ms. Campbell?”

“How about we take an end each and meet in the middle?” she asked, her voice low and muffled by the mask. They got to work with the sternal wires, teasing each other about who was going to finish first, both of them were more relaxed, feeling pleased that they had performed well in surgery.

As they reached the last wire, they tied it off together and their hands brushed. Both of them felt a shiver of electricity between them, even through the latex gloves. Their eyes met and they both smiled, neither wanting to break eye contact. Serena wasn’t sure what it meant, expressions were hard to read when half the face is covered, she couldn’t quite tell if Bernie’s eyes were dark with tiredness from a long week, or something else.

Fletch cleared his throat, breaking the moment. “So, Ms. Wolfe, will you be joining us in Albie’s later? I’ve heard so much about you from Serena, I’d like to see if it’s all true!”

Bernie smiled and accepted the offer, she’d got nothing planned for the evening, but she was slightly worried what Serena had said about her. She caught the glare that Serena had just shot at Fletch, which was more puzzling. Could she have been talking about her own feelings towards Bernie?

She didn’t want to get her own hopes up, but today she had felt something between the two of them. She was sure it was something more than just a mutual appreciation of their talents in surgery, and she really wanted to know, but she couldn’t just ask Fletch outright. She’d have to wait and see.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry!! Bit of an evil laugh, the slow burn will continue!!! :)


	9. Everyone can see (except you and me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nobody is fooled by Bernie and Serena claiming to be 'just friends', except the two surgeons themselves. The AAU team take on the role of cupid, but their arrows miss the mark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all of the reviews :D they completely make my day!! 
> 
> Thank you Beezarre for helping me to put my ideas into some sort of coherent order and stopping me from doing something truly evil with this fic (although this chapter is still evil, but one idea i had was far far worse)
> 
> Of course, the slow burn will continue, I'm still going to try and post a chapter a week but I have end of module assessments and then big exams coming up so don't think i've given up on the fic, I just might not have the time!

At the end of the shift, Raf knocked on the office door.

“Are you two joining us in Albie’s or…?” he stopped, knowing the glare he would receive if he finished that sentence. _Or do you two have other plans?_

Since meeting Bernie, Serena had been much easier to work with, she seemed lighter, happier, and he’d often seen her smiling brightly when she checked her phone. He believed her when she said they were just good friends, but seeing them work together today he could tell there was something else bubbling underneath that friendship. They probably hadn’t even acknowledged it themselves, but he decided to try and get Serena to talk about it next shift. He wanted Serena to find happiness, she had been through so much in the years he’d known her and he knew she probably felt like she didn’t deserve it.

“Of course,” Bernie was glad she had been accepted by Serena’s surrogate family. It was a similar situation to meeting Jason – part of her wanted to prove she was good enough for her.

She grabbed her jacket from the stand where Serena had moved it to, after Bernie had unceremoniously dropped it over the back of a chair that morning. She had tutted and Bernie had just grinned sheepishly from behind her fringe.

They were just about to leave the room when Mr Hanssen appeared, apparently out of nowhere.

“I had a sergeant major used to loom up on people like that once, The Ghost we used to call him,” Bernie commented, to no one in particular.

Serena smirked, it would be a good nickname for Henrik, who had a habit of turning up on wards completely unannounced, without a sound.

“Fascinating. Ms. Wolfe, Ms. Campbell a quick word please,” Serena groaned, not wanting to be held up much longer. She rifled through her purse and told Fletch, who was waiting impatiently with Raf and Morven, to get a booth for them and handed him some cash to get the first round in.

“Shiraz for me and Ms. Wolfe will have a double whisky,” she followed Hanssen back into the office. Bernie was behind and picked up Fletch murmuring to his co-workers “Oooh, speaking for the Mrs, are we?”

She felt the colour rising in her cheeks, what was that supposed to mean? Were Bernie’s feelings for Serena that obvious or had Serena said something to the team before she had arrived on the ward. She tried to put it out of her mind and closed the office door behind her.

“I managed to catch the end of your surgery and I must say you make a formidable team. I’m sure we can make this arrangement a great success, if AAU have picked up those trauma skills so quickly.”

“Ah, well, we’ve had an _excellent_ teacher,” Serena smiled and patted Bernie’s forearm, resting her hand on her wrist and squeezing it slightly. She shuffled and lowered her gaze, partly because she was still not entirely comfortable with receiving praise from people, but also because she was desperately trying not to read anything into the contact.

“Of course, it also helps to have such an accomplished surgeon at the helm,” now it was Serena’s turn to blush. She’d had her fair share of compliments in the past, but hearing it from Bernie was somehow more special.

“Quite, well I will require a meeting with you both regarding your recommendations for how we will set up this minor trauma unit. However, you’ve both had a long day, shall we say Monday, nine o’clock?”

They both nodded, glad they didn’t have to stay any later, Serena could practically taste the Shiraz on her tongue and wanted to get to the bar as quickly as possible.

“Excellent, I’ll see you then. Have a wonderful evening, ladies,” he said, with a nod towards them. Serena could have sworn she saw him raise one eyebrow and the corner of his mouth in amusement, but she ignored it.

XXXXX

As Raf, Morven and Fletch made their way to Albie’s, there was only one topic of conversation:

“What do you reckon is the deal with those two?” Fletch mused. “They had an undeniable chemistry in theatre, and Serena has been staring at Bernie the entire shift, like a schoolgirl with a crush on a teacher.”

“I don’t think there is anything going on, per se, they are just friends which means you’ve lost the bet Fletch, you can buy the second round!” Raf was quite pleased with himself, he didn’t usually win bets with Fletch and had ended up buying a lot of drinks for him in the past.

“They may just be friends now, but you saw the way they looked at each other. They are perfect for each other. I reckon they just need a push in the right direction!” Fletch had a mischievous spark in his eye, he had a plan.

“Fletch let them be, they’ll work it out themselves eventually,” Morven wasn’t sure about intervening, she didn’t want it to go wrong and incur the inevitable wrath from Serena.

“Look, don’t you reckon it’s about time she had a bit of fun, I reckon we just innocently start a conversation about dating and stuff, whether they’ve got their eyes on anyone and then let them take it from there.”

XXXXX

They found a booth at Albie’s, enough space for the two consultants to join them, and Fletch got the drinks in. A few minutes later Bernie and Serena came through the door. Morven smiled and waved them over. They slipped onto the bench, squeezing Raf slightly against the wall. Serena was in the middle and to make sure Raf had enough space she shuffled slightly closer to Bernie. Their arms brushed but neither of them flinched away and Raf and Morven shared a knowing smile.

Fletch came back with the drinks, muttering that one of the ladies should have gone because they’d have got their drinks a lot quicker. Conversation turned to their plans for the weekend, Raf and Fletch were taking the kids to the zoo as they’d both managed to get a day off at the same time. Serena had organised this, knowing that the two of them deserved some quality time with the four Fletchlings. Bernie’s eyes widened when she heard that Fletch had four kids.

“Bloody hell, and I thought my two were a handful! My husband always said they were angels but when I was back from tour they were absolute terrors, especially Cam!”

“We manage, Raf has been a godsend, taking us in like he did,” Fletch knew he would never be able to repay his generosity, even though he was always saying it was just nice to have so much life and commotion in his house.

Morven was working over the weekend and Fletch started to tease her, finding a way to turn the conversation round to dating.

“Oh, that’s a shame, you won’t be able to get down to the soup kitchen. I’m sure your presence will be missed!”

“I’m just a volunteer, Fletch, there’s plenty more,” she replied, missing the point completely. Fletch put his head in his hands and Serena chuckled.

“I think he meant you’ll be missed by that dashing young man that you’ve been talking to,”

Bernie blanched, putting two and two together. So, this was the F2 that Cam had been talking about! She smiled to herself, not sure of whether to tell Serena later.

“He’s a friend, that’s all, and he knows about Arthur so I think that’s probably put him off,”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Morven. You’re a lovely young woman and if he still seems interested even after knowing about that, why not get to know him a bit more?” Bernie piped up, she liked Morven and, if she was ready to start dating again then she could imagine her and Cam being good together.

“What about you two, have you got your eyes on anyone? Consultants at the top of your field, you must have potential suitors falling at your feet,” Fletch prompted, the conversation was going far too slowly for his liking and he wanted to turn the attention to Bernie and Serena.

_Oh shit,_ thought Bernie. She couldn’t have this conversation, what could she say: yes, I do actually but it’s your dyed-in-the-wool heterosexual boss? Looking for a way to get out of the spotlight without lying directly she said “What about that obstetrician that gave you his number at the fundraiser, Serena, have you got in touch with him yet?”

Everyone’s face fell, including Serena’s, but Bernie didn’t notice because she was too busy looking at her hands and internally kicking herself. She knew that they would try and encourage Serena to contact him, it was evident that they wanted their mother figure to be happy, and deep down Bernie knew she didn’t want Serena to get in touch with him, because if she did, she would lose all hope that Serena might possibly want her.

“Oh well, it’s been a busy week, you know, I haven’t really had time to think about it,” Serena’s voice was faltering. This was the second time Bernie had mentioned Paul, and this time in front of her work colleagues. It was, for Serena, a confirmation. Bernie didn’t think of her as any more than a friend.

Fletch was the first to recover his disappointment. “An obstetrician you say? Well, with his knowledge of the female anatomy he’ll definitely be able to show you a good time!”

Everyone at the table laughed, and then were startled by Bernie’s incredible honk, which set them all off again. Serena smiled wryly, without much humour.

“Hilarious, Fletch, unfortunately Bernie already made that joke. You two should get together and try and think of more original content,”

Fletch grinned at Bernie. “Great minds think alike, Major, although I’m sure you’ve got just as much experience in that area,” he winked and Bernie’s face turned into a shade that matched Serena’s wine.

She wasn’t bothered that they knew she was gay, they must have known when they set Serena up on the date; it was the fact that Fletch had aimed the wink directly at Serena.

An awkward silence settled between them, which was quickly broken by Morven.

“Why don’t you just go for it, you deserve to do something for yourself. You’ve been working so hard with the deputy CEO stuff and Jason, recently.”

Serena wasn’t sure why she was hesitating. If she’d never met Bernie and this had happened, she’d have gone for a few drinks with Paul and would probably have ended up dating him, even if it was only for a short while. She knew that Bernie was the reason she hadn’t already called him, but now…

Even if she and Bernie were destined to always be friends, it would be a betrayal of her feelings, and Serena had always lived with a mantra of being true to oneself. Still, she wasn’t sure if she could go the rest of her life holding out for the possibility of Bernie. One date couldn't hurt.

"Fine, just to shut you lot up, I'll text him," she huffed. Fletch begged her to let him write the text, but there was no way she was going to trust him with this.

**Hi it's Serena Campbell, sorry this took so long it's been a busy week! Do you have any spare time this weekend to meet for a drink?**

"There, done, are you all happy now?" She tried to glare at them but she couldn't pretend to be annoyed for long. Bernie made an excuse to go and get the next round, to congratulate them all for a good shift. She was just paying when Morven appeared next to her, to help carry them back to the table.

"Thank you, Ms. Wolfe," she said shyly.

"Please, call me Bernie, what on earth are you thanking me for?" Bernie asked, tilting her head quizically.

"For teaching today, I really enjoyed it and I learnt so much,"

"Did you enjoy it enough to decide to go into trauma surgery long term?" the young doctor showed promise and Bernie knew she would excel in any field she went into.

"Not quite, I'm pretty set on general, but also thanks for what you said about me, you know, being lovely. It's nice for people to see me like that, rather than as a widow,"

"It's true Morven, and like what you said to Serena, you deserve to do something for yourself. If you feel ready then go for it! Also, if you want any more help or experience just give me a call."

"Thanks, Bernie. Are you okay?"

"Yes of course, why?" Immediately she went into defensive mode, could feel the walls building up.

"You just didn't seem too enthusiastic about Serena going on that date." Bernie gawped at her, had she really been that obvious? She had, she thought, perfected the deadpan, unreactive expression, but evidently not. Fletcher saved her from a response.

"Come on you two, half the alcohol will have evaporated by the time you bring it over!"

They sat back down just as Serena's phone buzzed on the table.

**Great to hear from you, tomorrow at six suit you?**

She checked with Jason, he already had plans with Alan, then replied confirming a place to meet.

The conversation soon moved onto anecdotes about the Fletchlings, ending with Raf and Fletch arguing about who was stronger after Mikey had decided he was going to become a bodybuilder and wanted them to teach him how to do press ups.

"Let's settle this once and for all," Raf challenged him by placing an elbow on the table. Not one to turn down a challenge, Fletch grinned and grasped his hand. Raf won fair and square after about 30 seconds of gritted teeth and odd grunting.

Fletch accepted defeat fairly graciously and turned to Bernie. “Who do you reckon would win out of you two?”

Bernie and Serena simultaneously coughed into their drinks, taken completely by surprise, but Serena turned to Bernie with one eyebrow raised. “What do you think?”

“Well, I probably have the edge in that department,” she said, referring to her years of weight training.

“It’s not the dog in the fight it’s the fight in the dog!” Serena challenged, mirroring Raf’s actions and reaching onto the table. Bernie shuffled round to get at a better angle, then clasped Serena’s hand into her own.

“It’s your funeral,” she smirked but Serena just replied “We’ll see,” while staring her down.

There was no way either of them were going to let the other win, and at Morven’s count they start. Neither dropped eye contact and they both strained against the force. Bernie did have the edge, and Serena’s hand started moving down but somehow they both started to loosen their grips.

The crackling electricity that was there in theatre had returned and they entered their own bubble. They stared at each other, and a shiver ran down their arms. Neither wanted to be defeated and neither wanted to let go but they weren’t putting any effort in anymore.

The others looked at each other awkwardly, it was obvious the two consultants had become oblivious to the world around them, but after a few seconds something snapped in Bernie’s mind. She remembered where she is, who she’s with, and her resolve returns. She increased the pressure slightly and Serena caved, totally distracted. She leant back and folded her arms, a smug smile on her face.

Serena wasn’t sure what had just happened, but she could feel Raf’s eyes burning into her, and Fletch and Morven shared a pointed glance. She had to get out of there, quickly.

“Right, better be off then!” she announced “Places to be, people to see!” She nudged Bernie, who looked like the cat who’d got the cream. “Shift it, big macho army medic, or has your head got so big you can’t stand up anymore?”

Bernie stood too, and said her goodbyes to the group. She didn’t want to spend much time with them without Serena as she was afraid of what they would say to her. The two of them walked out together, but when their shoulders brushed Bernie flinched away. She was now analysing every action and how it would look to people around her.

They stood awkwardly at Bernie’s car, she’d had to park in the visitor spaces further away from the hospital.

“Well, have fun tomorrow,” she mumbled, looking at the car keys. _I don’t want you to go out with him_ a tiny voice whispered at the back of her mind.

“I’ll try,” Serena replied, trying to keep her voice light. _I’d rather be going with you,_ she thought as Bernie looked up at her through her fringe.

They were standing so close, Serena could smell the whisky on Bernie’s breath. She unconsciously leant closer, but the minute movement seemed to startle Bernie who stepped back quickly and the thick air between them evaporated into the night.

“Goodnight, then,” she croaked, as Bernie hurried to the driver’s side of the car. “G’night” is the hushed response she gets.

Bernie climbed into her car and slammed the door closed. _Stupid, stupid, stupid coward,_ she rested her head onto the steering wheel. _Why didn’t you say something? Why didn’t you close that gap? You idiot._

After a moment of self-deprecation, she shook her head and started the engine, vowing to put it behind her and be happy for her friend.

XXXXX

_You stupid, stupid woman,_ Serena thought on the walk back to her car. _Why did you agree to that? Why did you let that moment pass? Why couldn’t you just have been brave for once?_

When she got to her car she straightened her shoulders, lifted her head up and resolved to put it behind her and stay friends with Bernie. Paul might just be the distraction she needed.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *goes underground so people can't find me and kill me*


	10. If only we were brave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Bernie and Serena are struggling with their emotions and neither can admit their feelings to the other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone - sorry it's been a while, uni work took over a bit! Thank you so much for all of your comments they always make me smile! Sorry about the angst in the last chapter, there is more to come!! 
> 
> Thank you to Beezarre for encouraging (and getting excited at various snippets) and also for helping me to find words that I cannot remember!! 
> 
> This is going to be my last update for the next two weeks as I have exams but don't worry, when I've finished I will be updating much more regularly! I also have a few more fics in the works, which I am quite excited about :D

Serena woke with a lump in her throat, it stuck when she swallowed, and her stomach squirming. She stared at the ceiling; her mind was a whirlpool of thoughts and she was trying to tread water in them. She tried to catch hold of a coherent thought but they flitted around, just out of grasp. Memories of the previous day; flashes of disappointment in warm brown eyes, Bernie’s hand in her own, odd glances exchanged between her colleagues, the seemingly miniscule yet infinite gap between them as they’d said goodnight.

She didn’t know what any of it meant, she had wanted, so badly, to close that distance between them. She thought she had felt the atmosphere change when they had stood by her car, but was it her hoping for something that wasn’t there? She didn’t know, but she couldn’t bring herself to find out. She didn’t want to lose her best friend, and she could guess that Bernie was good at running when she was scared.

Looking at her alarm clock, she groaned. It was quarter past seven, she was meeting Paul at six that evening for a drink and her day off stretched out in front of her, a gaping chasm that normally she would welcome with open arms, but today she needed to fill it, take her mind off the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.

She thumped her head back onto the pillow and sighed. She was confused by Bernie’s reaction last night. She had sensed something between them yesterday, when they were operating together they had been so in sync, and she could have sworn that Bernie’s face had dropped slightly when she’d arranged the date with Paul. But she had been the one to bring him up, if it affected her so much why had she done that?

_Honestly, by our age you’d think we’d know to not mess around and just admit our feelings._ She smiled ruefully, one thing Bernie was not good at was talking about feelings. Even since they had become close, Serena had to tease her emotions out of her, especially when it came to the kids and relationships.

She briefly considered going back to sleep, but she could hear Jason in the bathroom and her body was slowly waking up properly, she could feel the cravings of caffeine start to set in. She made her way downstairs and started breakfast for the two of them.

When Jason got downstairs he launched into an enthusiastic monologue about the military history section that had recently opened in the local museum. Alan was taking him the next day, which he was very excited about. Serena was only half listening, trying to smile and nod in the right places, but she just couldn’t focus.

She picked at her breakfast, finding she only had an appetite for coffee, until she realised Jason was staring at her expectantly.

“It’s quite rude to not listen to someone when they are talking to you, Auntie Serena,” he chided, giving her a stern look which made her smile fondly.

“I’m sorry Jason, I’m not feeling too great this morning. What did you say?”

“I said, maybe you could take Bernie, I think she’d find it interesting.” he replied. Serena looked up at the mention of her name.

“Oh, yes, I guess she’d like that, maybe,”

“You don’t seem very enthusiastic, Auntie Serena, you should take more of an interest in things Bernie likes, you know. It’s important to learn about people’s interests so you can show them you care, that’s what Alan says. And you want to show Bernie that don’t you?”

She gaped at him, could he possibly know how she felt about Bernie? Surely, he just meant that they were friends, and that’s what friends should do. Deciding she couldn’t face that conversation with him at that precise moment, she merely nodded her head in agreement and said she would suggest it to Bernie.

Jason got up, announcing he would be taking the bus in to work because he was sure that Serena would take too long getting ready and he didn’t want to be late. She was so proud of how much he had blossomed since living with her, she knew she couldn’t take all the credit, but he had taken to being a porter like a duck to water and she was enjoying watching him come out of his shell and grow in confidence.

Desperate to keep herself busy throughout the day, Serena managed to get jobs done that had been sitting on her to do list for weeks. The oven was gleaming, carpets smelling fresh, the creaky side gate now opened freely and without protest.

Despite her best efforts the day dragged. She found herself checking her phone constantly, unsure what she was expecting to see, and each time she did the time glared back at her, stubbornly refusing to progress as quickly as she would like.

Eventually it was five, and she started to think about getting ready. She showered, washing the feel of oil and cleaning products from her skin and massaging her scalp in an attempt to ground her, relieve some tension and feel revitalised for the evening.

She was, she supposed, looking forward to it. She liked getting to know people and Paul had seemed nice. She frowned at herself in the mirror, trying to recall what he had looked like. Her mind was drawing a blank, he had been about six feet, dark hair. Other than that, she was struggling and she knew why. Most of that night she had been stealing glances at Bernie, her memories being crystal clear when it came to the navy blue of her dress, the elegant softness of her hair and the defined tone of her back muscles that were exposed by the halter neck.

She felt her stomach twist again. She had to put all of those feelings out of mind, and focus on tonight. She was nervous, and desperately searched through her wardrobe for her outfit, a sense of déjà vu as she thought back to less than two months ago, when she'd been doing the same thing in anticipation of meeting Bernie. It felt so much longer than that, the friendship she had with Bernie seemed all at once new and exciting but also as if they’d known each other since childhood.

She checked herself over in the mirror, she looked respectable, nothing too dressy for drinks. She shook her head and sighed, it was time to do it. To try and forget those feelings bubbling up inside every time she thought of Bernie, and dip her toes into dating again.

XXXXX

Bernie was fairly sure there wasn’t a muscle in her body that wasn’t in pain, and her head was throbbing to top it all off. She lay where she was, disorientated for a while until she realised she was folded up on her small sofa.

That would explain why everything was protesting as she tried to move, she had a vague recollection of collapsing onto it when she had returned from Albie’s the night before and she evidently hadn’t managed to get to her bed. She must have been there a while as it was almost midday, this was the latest she had slept in a long time.

She stretched out and sat up, seeing the culprit for the headache on the coffee table. It had been a while since she had been hungover, but since leaving the army she hadn’t drunk much (well, discounting the nights she had been out with Serena, but she had always paced herself) and her tolerance was evidently slipping. The scotch bottle sat accusingly, a fair amount had been drunk, still a little bit left in the tumbler next to it.

She had given herself a long lecture on the drive home last night. It had started as a rant about how she should stop being a bloody coward and grow a pair. She may be terrible at recognising flirting but there had been something between them and she told herself she should act on it.

Then the self-doubt had kicked in. Serena was flirtatious, she could charm anybody and they would be putty in her hands, and she was always so sure of herself. She would have said something by now, Bernie was sure of it.

When she had got home her head was buzzing, feeling like it was about to burst at the seams and she knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep. It had been a while since she had drunk until slumber overcame her, probably when she had returned from the army for the last time, and she and Marcus had had their final argument, Bernie having suggested they divorce and then Marcus discovering her affair with Alex.

It had been hard, because Marcus at first had begged her not to go, saying over and over that he would change now that she was home permanently. He had apologised for the way he had treated her, blaming the stress of bringing up the two kids and working and that when she had been home he felt the kids idolised her whilst he was forgotten.

She had wanted to believe him, but he had said the same words to her many times in the last few years of their marriage. Then the truth about Alex had come to the surface, despite having ended their relationship to try and make things work with Marcus and the kids and he had reverted to his usual self.

She supposed she could have put up more of a fight in the divorce, tried to put a case forward regarding the violence but all she wanted in the end was to be free from Marcus, and she didn’t want to go through the lengthy process. She doubted anyone would have believed her anyway, Marcus had a way of getting people to see his side of the story in a way that she never could.

She groaned and took the scotch back to the kitchen and flicked on the coffee machine, planning her day off.

XXXXX

“Serena, hi,” Paul approached, stooping slightly to kiss her on the cheek. “what can I get you?”

“A shiraz would do nicely, shall we share a bottle?” she smiled as she took him in. He was conventionally attractive, his hairline receding slightly, square jaw and rugged features. His eyes were bright and kind, his face open and honest.

“Oh, I’ve never really got the taste for Shiraz, I find it a little peppery. I prefer Merlot, a bit more rounded and less tannins,”

Well, that wasn’t the best start she mused. Knows a thing or two about wine, great. Doesn’t like Shiraz? An unforgivable sin. She doubted very much if she and Bernie would be friends if she hadn’t shared a love for Serena’s favourite wine.

She tried to put Bernie out of her mind and get back to the conversation with Paul. He was chatting about his work, telling anecdotes about patients and asking Serena how her week had been.

The conversation flowed between them, once they had both started to relax thanks to the alcohol, but on occasions it was a little stilted and they had to revert to small talk. Serena found he had a very dry sense of humour, similar to her own, but she felt there was something missing in his soft chuckle. Again, she pictured Bernie, throwing her head back, honking, earning herself several bewildered stares from people around.

It was a pleasant evening, but after a few glasses of wine Serena had to admit defeat. There was no spark, no deep connection building between them. She didn’t feel a pull, as if the universe was centred around the space that they occupied. She hadn’t quite realised it when she’d first met Bernie, but that was how she felt now, and nothing would compare.

Paul glanced at his watch and then back up at Serena. “I’m sorry, I’d better get back, I’m on an early shift tomorrow,” he apologised and finished off his drink. “I’ve had a wonderful evening, thank you.”

She couldn’t, she already felt like she had led him on by arranging this date, and her stomach knotted as she took a gulp of her wine.

“I’ve had a good time, too, I have enjoyed it,” she shuffled uncomfortably in her seat and looked up at him. “I, um, I’m going to be honest, I can’t really see this, um, going much further. I’m sorry, it’s just, it doesn’t feel right? For me, anyway, and I’d hate to lead you on. I think we could both find someone we feel more natural with? I’m sorry, I’ve just decided recently I need to be true to myself, and-“

“Serena, it’s fine. I know what you mean, and I think from the way you’re talking you’ve maybe found that someone already?”

She glanced sideways and raised her eyebrows slightly, a small smile on her lips. She fiddled with her necklace nervously. “Ha, well, um, nothing’s really, we haven’t, oh we’re ah, friends.”

“Were they at the fundraiser, by any chance? The delightful trauma surgeon at St James’?” he gave a half smile, and the look in his eyes made Serena wonder if there was some sort of sign over her head, declaring her feelings for Berenice bloody Wolfe.

“I hadn’t realised it was so obvious,” she admitted, “in fact at that point I hadn’t realised my feelings. I can only apologise, I hope you don’t think I agreed to this for the wrong reasons. I’m not here to make her jealous, or to prove anything or test out my, uh, sexuality, as it were. It’s complicated, I have no idea what’s going on.”

“Don’t worry about it Serena, I saw you glancing at her a lot that night, but I thought I’d give you my number anyway. Attractive, available women are hard to find at my age, so I took a chance. I didn’t expect you to text me, and you shouldn’t feel like you owe me anything, nothing to apologise for. I hope you sort it out with her, Serena, you deserve it.”

 XXXXX

The first thing Bernie did after her coffee was go for a run. She put her headphones in and pounded the streets, the miles stretching behind her as she worked to sweat the hangover from her system. 90 minutes and just over 10 miles later she was back at her flat.

She felt much better, especially after a shower, and made herself another coffee and put the toaster on. She hadn’t run that far for a while, but she was pleased that she wasn’t far off her best. She gathered up her laptop and paperwork, deciding she might as well use her day off to start on a report she needed to do.

She’d never been great at concentrating on a single task and kept getting distracted by articles online that were only vaguely related to what she was meant to be doing. A few hours (and several more coffees) later she rubbed her eyes and tried to massage the crick forming in her neck.

Her phone buzzed on the sofa beside her, an unknown number. She frowned, probably some PPI company, but answered it, if only as a distraction from what she was doing.

“Major Wolfe?” A familiar, gruff voice greeted her.

“Captain Cole?” she replied, confused as to why one of her old team would be contacting her.

“It’s actually Major Cole now, thanks to someone’s medical retirement, but that’s by the by, ma’am,” She was glad he’d taken over once she’d left, he was a promising officer and an excellent surgeon.

“Well, there’s no need to call me ma’am then, congratulations! But I take it this isn’t a social call?”

“No, ma’am, sorry old habits. I’ve got some bad news I’m afraid.” She knew what was coming, she’d had similar conversations with other officers and veterans. Captain Peake had been so young, he’d left behind a young family. Bernie had trained him and watched him flourish in the army, grow in confidence and that had been taken away too soon.

She subconsciously ran her fingers along the smooth scar on her neck, reminded how lucky she had been to still be here, and with no long lasting damage. His children couldn’t be any older than 5 and now they didn’t have a father. The world was cruel and she was overcome with guilt, he had been a far better person than her and had so much more to live for.

Her heart ached for the loss of a friend and colleague and she rang her boss to change her shift so she could go to the funeral. She would need to dig out her uniform and make sure it was clean and pressed, to send Captain Peake on in proper military fashion.

She unlocked her phone again and went to call Serena. She wanted to tell her, it was the first time someone in her regiment had died since she’d retired. Normally, there was too much to do to think about the death at first, because invariably there would be other casualties that needed treatment. Hours later, when it caught up to them, the regiment would raise a glass to their fallen colleague, staying up until dawn to keep their memory alive into the new day.

She didn’t have that companionship now, and she missed it. She saw the time and remembered Serena would be out. She couldn’t call her, that would be selfish, and she didn’t know how to put it into words in a text, so she left it until later.

At about eleven, after she had sat staring at the television for several hours, not really taking anything in, she went to bed and decided it was probably acceptable to message Serena now. Her lids were growing heavy and she typed quickly, the text ending up sounding curter than she meant.

**Hope it went well. Need to talk, tomorrow?**

She was drifting off when a few minutes later the phone lit up the room, the brightness burning into her eyes so she could still see it with them closed.

**It was okay, will fill you in with details later! Meet you at the café at ten? X**

She replied with a simple “okay”, too tired to do anything more and slipped into a deep slumber, filled with memories, not quite turning to nightmares, of her days in the army.

XXXXX

Serena fiddled with her pendant nervously as she sat waiting for Bernie. It was almost half past, she’d got there at the time agreed, expecting Bernie to be a little late, but this was unusual even for her. Another ten minutes passed before she saw a familiar head of messy blonde hair bouncing along the street. Bernie had her pink coat on, she clutched the two lapels, shielding her neck from the morning chill, despite it being June.

She collapsed into the chair opposite Serena and smiled wearily. She hadn’t managed to put any makeup on and the dark circles under her eyes told Serena that she’d not slept well. Her fringe was splayed in different directions, her hair tangled as if she hadn’t even finger combed it, which is what Serena suspected she did most mornings.

Her face was tense, furrowed brow and dark, brooding eyes that wouldn’t quite meet her own. Serena let her catch her breath, using the pause to look at her, study her. She was trying to work out what was on Bernie’s mind. She was tricky to read and rarely let her emotions show, so something must be bad. Possibly Marcus, maybe something with Charlotte?

She didn’t want to press Bernie, letting her gather her thoughts and pushing the latte and croissant towards her.  She was met with a small, grateful smile as Bernie took a long drink. She swallowed hard and looked into her lap, then looked back up wearing a pleasant smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“So, tell me everything,” she asked, an unnatural cheeriness in her voice that didn’t suit her. “What was he like?”

“Bernie, don’t divert the subject. Something’s on your mind, and the last thing I want to talk about is the non-date. What’s got you so upset?” Serena wasn’t in the mood for talking about the previous night, especially not to Bernie, because she couldn’t admit to her the real reason for it not going well.

A non-date. She’d called it a non-date. That meant nothing had happened. A tiny part of Bernie leapt with joy, before being subdued again by the reminder of why she had asked to meet up with Serena.

“I got a call yesterday from the new Major in my regiment. Apparently, there was another incident. Another IED. One of my men died. Instantly, so we can be grateful for small mercies.” Her voice was flat, she had to use everything to keep it clinical, stop the cracks from showing.

“Oh, Bernie, I’m sorry,” she reached across the table and laid one hand over Bernie’s, which were clasped together tightly, thumbs scratching at knuckles. She squeezed them softly and rubbed her slender wrist, her thumb leaving a burning trail of goose bumps.

She felt that same overwhelming surge of emotion that had overcome her only a week before, when she had sobbed into Serena’s shoulder, but she bit her lip. It was one thing crying in your best friend’s house, but in public Bernie still wanted to maintain her British reserve.

“I trained him, he was a brilliant surgeon, and soldier. He wasn’t even thirty. He had so much to live for, see his kids,” It was too much, her voice caught in her throat. She looked up just in time to see Serena wiping the corner her eye.

“Sorry, I needed to tell someone, and you, well, you were the first person I thought of,” she blushed.

“No, don’t apologise, it reminded me of Arthur, that’s all. Do you want to get out of here, have a quick cigarette?” Bernie had started to pick at her already short nails, and Serena knew this was a sign that she was trying to distract herself from her cravings.

She smiled sheepishly, looking like a puppy that had been caught chewing slippers, and just about whispered, “yes please” in a low, soft voice.

She had given up smoking, to all intents and purposes, but sometimes there wasn’t anything else that could steady her nerves. They drained their coffees and asked the staff for paper bags to take their pastries out with them.

They naturally gravitated to the river again, and sat close together on the bench. Bernie took deep inhalations of the smoke, still feeling a pang of guilt. Being a doctor and doing something that damaged your health was a conflict, but normally the addiction won out.

“Are you going to the funeral?” Serena probed gently, breaking the silence.

“Yes, I’ve got the day off, it’s on Friday,” after the nicotine had started to take effect she could go back to the plain and simple facts.

“Would you…” she paused, she didn’t want to intrude on something that was so close to Bernie’s heart, but she knew that these things were hard to do alone, “Would you like me to be there with you, a shoulder to metaphorically cry on? It’s up to you, but I could really have done with the support at Arthur’s. It’s not the same, I know, and I understand if you want to do it on your own, just see your old army friends, send him off together.”

Bernie felt the colour drain from her face. Old army friends. Alex. She would be there, no doubt. The two of them had met at university, signed up to the army together. She and Captain Peake were best friends. Bernie couldn’t avoid her any longer.

The thought of facing Alex alone was too much. Normally she would refuse Serena's offer, wanting to go to the funeral with only herself for company, but she knew that seeing Alex would throw up even more complicated emotions and she decided that having Serena there would help.

Serena would remind her of what she had in her new life, why her relationship with Alex would never survive outside of the bubble of the army. Alex had a way of making Bernie think that it was all so simple. She didn't understand because she'd never hated who she was. She'd never felt the need to hide and hence was unattached and had what Bernie felt was a rather naive view of love. Bernie should leave Marcus to be with her,who cares what anyone else thinks.

Bernie hoped that she was happy, that she had been able to find someone who could love her back as fiercely as she had loved Bernie. Not that Bernie hadn't loved Alex, but it had been amplified falsely by her unhappy marriage and the natural bond all soldiers found with each other. Bernie knew that, especially now she had been a civilian for several months.

She realised she hadn't responded to Serena, who was staring at her with a soft look of amusement.

"Sorry, my thoughts ran away with me. I think that would help, if, if you're sure?"

"Of course, Bernie. You shouldn't feel like you need to do it on your own."

Bernie raised her eyes to meet Serena's, a look of concern and care meeting her. Her voice barely audible, she replied "Thank you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They will get there, I promise (i know i've been saying that for a while.... oops.) Raf and Hanssen will be there to provide encouragement in the next chapter!


	11. Speaking Words of Wisdom (Don't) Let it Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A heart to heart with Raf forces Serena's hand, and Bernie is relieved to discover that Serena's date fizzled out...little does she know that she is the reason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Crawls out from my cave of revision and blinks at the sun*   
> Hello everyone!! I am finally finished for summer AND I know I've passed one of my exams :D I know it's been a while since I posted so a quick reminder of last chapter: Serena goes on a date with Paul, and they both agree it isn't going to work, Bernie finds out that one of her old regiment has died and asks Serena to go to the funeral with her.  
> This chapter goes on immediately from the last one
> 
> Thank you all for your comments they keep me going!! And thank you Beezarre for keeping me sane and helping me feed the plot bunnies! 
> 
> The next chapter is pretty much ready to go so i'm hoping to update much more regularly now I have more time on my hands!

Bernie took one last, decisive drag on the cigarette and pulled herself together. She stubbed it out in the bin next to the bench and turned to Serena, trying to lighten the mood.

"So, tell me about last night, how did it go?" She attempted to keep her voice nonchalant and light, but she was desperate to find out what Serena had meant by a 'non-date'. The optimist within her, which had over the years been suppressed by Bernie's rather cynical (although she liked to call it realistic) view of the world, bubbled up, even though she knew she should be sympathizing.

Serena's voice caught in her throat. She desperately wanted to tell Bernie that the date had been doomed from the start, and she was the reason. She had resolved to tell Bernie how she felt the next time they were properly alone, but seeing Bernie today, already fragile, she didn't want to send her emotions spiralling out of control. It was a confession that would change their relationship forever and it had to be at the right time.

"Oh, it was pleasant enough, but it wouldn't have worked out. We both agreed, really. We've both been round the block enough times that we can recognise when there's no spark. He didn't like Shiraz either so I took that as a sign," she let out a forced chuckle and Bernie joined in, not quite reaching her usual laugh.

"Cam seems to think that I should try online dating. I told him that was a terrible idea, you know what I'm like with replying to messages! Also, I'm sure it's great for younger people that don't mind meeting up with countless people before finding a good match, but I just don't have the willpower."

She had no intention of following her son's advice, although she was fairly sure he'd said it rather tongue-in-cheek. Give her a state of the art trauma navigation system and she was happy, an iPhone on the other hand she viewed as something designed to annoy her and to get lost easily.

"I know what you mean. I can't even contemplate trying to get back out there and meeting people, what with Jason, being deputy CEO and now having to open a shiny new minor trauma unit."

Conversation soon moved on to the trauma unit and work, as both of them wanted to stop talking about relationships, just in case they let slip and scared the other away. They were talking about the promise Morven showed as a surgeon when Bernie remembered the conversation from Friday night.

"I almost forgot, I have a bit of a confession!" Serena looked at her warily, unsure of where this was going.

"I think Morven's 'friend' at the homeless shelter is Cam."

"What as in your son?" She was perplexed, how on earth had Bernie got that idea?

"Do you know anyone else called Cam?" Bernie smirked and Serena shook her head. "He'd mentioned that he was volunteering there and that he'd been talking to an F1. I teased him a bit until he said that she was a widow and he didn't want to make her uncomfortable. It didn't click until we were talking in Albie's."

Serena laughed as she recalled that conversation. "If I remember correctly, you encouraged Morven to give it a go. You weren't trying to set them up, by any chance?"

"What? No! Not really, I just think that if Morven feels ready to get back out there she should! She's a lovely young woman and she deserves another chance of happiness."

Serena smiled mischievously. "So, it has nothing to do with you trying to find Cam a girlfriend who you approve of more than his usual ones?"

She chuckled, "Pot, kettle, black Ms Campbell, like you wouldn't do the same for Ellie? Or are you happy with the string of guys she's brought home who she - and I quote - is only dating for a good shag and a chance to annoy her mother?"

Serena gasped in mock offence and the two of them dissolved in laughter, earning themselves some startled looks from passing joggers.

"I should probably tell Morven, so she doesn't think that's what I was doing! Not quite sure how I'd bring it up though."

"I'll let her know if you want, although if Fletch finds out she'll never hear the end of it."

At this, Bernie’s phone started ringing and she grimaced, she was on call and there must have been an incident. She answered, listening for a minute then stood up.

“I’d better go, there’s been a collision involving a lorry. Sorry, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“No worries, see you at nine o’clock sharp, Hanssen is more of a stickler for time keeping than I am!” Bernie shot her an apologetic glance.

“Of course, and thanks Serena, for meeting up. I know I texted pretty late last night.”

“There’s nothing to apologise for, don’t ever think that. If you need anything I’m always here for you.” Serena knew Bernie had some sort of pathological politeness which meant she never wanted to burden others, and she wanted her to know that Serena would listen to her and support her through anything.

They were stood facing each other, neither quite sure what to do. Suddenly, Bernie leaned towards Serena and wrapped her into a quick, tight hug. Serena was stunned, but just about managed to reciprocate before Bernie had pulled away again.

Bernie didn’t know what had come over her, but she wanted to show Serena how much her friendship meant to her. It had been a toss-up between trying to say it with words, not her strong point, and physical contact that she was normally quite averse to.

She had felt Serena tense at first and mentally kicked herself, before Serena’s arms had come to meet behind her shoulder blades. Not trusting herself to keep her emotions in check, Bernie pulled away, murmuring her thanks to Serena, hoping she would understand just how deep her gratitude was. She couldn’t put it into words well enough, but Serena was the only person she had ever trusted so wholly and didn’t want to hide from.

XXXXX

8:50 the next morning Bernie was stood in the queue at Pulses, congratulating herself on still being early despite snoozing her alarm one too many times. The lorry accident had led to a 7-hour surgery and she was exhausted.

“Look Auntie Serena, it’s Bernie. Can I tell her all about the museum?” Bernie smiled at the sound of Jason’s voice and turned to greet him.

“Hi, Jason. Would you like a drink?” she offered.

“No thank you, but Auntie Serena always gets a coffee before her shift.”

“Double shot latte, I know, I’ve already ordered one for her,” she smiled at Serena who laughed.

“Didn’t know I was so predictable, thank you Bernie. And I’m sure Bernie would love to hear about the museum, but she doesn’t have time right now, we’ve got to go and see Mr Hanssen.”

“That’s a very good point, also, I would be late for my shift. I’ll have to tell you later. Good bye Auntie Serena, good bye Bernie.”

“Bye Jason,” they both responded in unison as he walked towards the stairs. The server handed over the coffees and they opted for the lifts.

“The museum?” enquired Bernie

“Ah, yes, he went yesterday to see the new military exhibit. Fascinating apparently, as I had a two hour lecture on it last night.”

The lift stopped and Fletch joined them.

“Good morning, ladies,” he chirped, “and how was your night of raw, sweaty, unadulterated vigorous passion with a handsome gynaecologist, Ms Campbell?”

Bernie snorted into her drink as Fletch became the next victim of the Campbell glare.

“It wasn’t going anywhere, we both agreed, and if you could kindly let everyone else on the Holby grapevine know, I’d be very grateful.” She did not want to spend the rest of the day answering questions about her non-existent love life.

“Will do boss,” he said as the lift reached his floor. “Major,” he gave Bernie a salute and left.

“You can wipe that smirk off your face, Ms Wolfe,” she tried to sound stern but it didn’t work and they both laughed.

They spent the rest of the lift ride in comfortable silence, sipping their coffee and letting the caffeine work its magic.

The meeting with Hanssen was straight forward enough, a discussion about the facilities AAU would need, methods of prioritising patients and extra staff that might be needed.

“Well, I think that’s all for now, I am very much looking forward to this new partnership between the two hospitals. Ms. Campbell, I’ll need a report on the budget and figures, I have a meeting with the board on Friday, which I’d like you to attend.”

“Oh, um, it’s my day off on Friday and I, I had plans,” she glanced over at Bernie, not wanting to let her down, but she didn’t want to say where she was going in front of Hanssen.

“Can they not be changed, Ms Campbell?” He glanced between the two of them, seeing the look they shared. It was almost a telepathic conversation, a quirked eyebrow from Serena being met with a small shake of Bernie’s head.

“Serena was going to come with me to a funeral, one of my regiment was unfortunately caught in an IED. Don’t worry about it Serena, this takes priority.”

“On the contrary, Ms. Wolfe,” Hanssen interceded. “I’m sure we can rearrange this meeting. The loss of a colleague is never easy, and we all need good support around us. I’ll sort it out, Ms Campbell.”

They both took this as a sign to leave, but just as they were getting to the door, he called Bernie back.

“Just one last thing, Ms. Wolfe,” Bernie looked at Serena quizzically, wondering if she knew what he might want, but she looked just as bemused. She returned to the office as Serena started back to AAU.

“If I could have my way, all the staff in this hospital would live like nuns, it would keep them all sharp,” she gaped at him, she had no clue where this had come from or what he was trying to say. “But I am pleased that you and Serena have found an equal in each other. She hasn’t had an easy time recently, and she deserves this happiness.”

“Wha-, we’re no-, sorry Mr Hanssen but, we’re just- “

“That will be all Ms Wolfe, thank you.” He gave her a small smile, then returned to his work and she stood staring at him for a few seconds. Shaking her head in slight disbelief and confusion, she left the room.

What had that meant? From what Serena had told her about Hanssen, she knew he was perceptive but didn’t like to engage in idle gossip. From the way he was talking, he thought her and Serena were in a relationship, but the amused smile at the end made her question whether he wasn’t just joking.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket.

**Sorry, had to rush, needed in theatre. See you on Friday. S x**

She sent off a quick reply, she had to get back to St James anyway, but she was glad Serena hadn’t asked what Hanssen wanted.

XXXXX

Serena had been sat staring at her computer, not moving except to rub her temples occasionally. Raf and Fletch had both noticed, she was in the exact same position as she had been when they’d gone to put Mrs. Harrow’s catheter in 15 minutes ago.

“Do you reckon she’s alright?” Raf pondered, it was odd to see her like this, especially recently.

“Beats me, I joked about her date and she almost bit my head off, just said they both agreed it wasn’t going anywhere. Do you reckon it’s because of Bernie? They were in the lift together and I swear, Bernie could hardly take her eyes off Serena. Maybe they both need some gentle encouragement, if you know what I mean?”

“I’ll talk to her, see what’s going on,” Fletch nodded, he cared about Serena and wanted her to be happy but he knew he wasn’t the right person for a deep and meaningful. Raf was much better at that.

He knocked on the door, not getting a response, he decided to bite the bullet and go in. She barely glanced up as he entered.

“Serena, sorry to disturb, can I have a quick word?”

She seemed to snap out of her reverie, “Of course, what do you need?”

“Nothing, I just wanted to check you were okay. Fletch told me your date didn’t go too well, and you just seem a bit distracted?”

“Oh, it wasn’t that it didn’t go well, he’s nice, we got on well enough but he’s not… I don’t know…exciting, he’s not…”

“Bernie?” Raf finished for her and then chuckled Serena’s expression. She gawped at him then smiled to herself.

“I’m not doing a very good job of hiding it, am I?” He shook his head and she laughed.

“What’s stopping you?”

“I don’t know if she feels the same, I am completely terrified because I’ve never been more than friends with a woman, maybe it’s just some midlife experimentation and I’m just kidding myself, the list goes on, Raf. I don’t want to make a fool out of myself, she’s my best friend and I don’t want to scare her away.”

The words came tumbling out, she was glad to finally get it out into the open.

“Well, I think we can deal with the first problem. You can take it from me, she feels the same way about you.”

“How can you possibly know that?”

He pulled up a chair next to Serena and sat down, anticipating he would need to be there a while to convince her to act on her feelings.

“Serena, the way you two look at each other, it’s obvious. As for the other things, you should trust your feelings. Maybe the reason you’ve never been more than friends with a woman is because you never met the right one?”

“What does that mean then, am I a lesbian? Bisexual?”

“It means you like Bernie, and as long as you are happy with that, do you need a label? I’d say tell her how you feel first, then worry about the rest later.”

“I don’t know how to tell her though, it’s not something you can slip into normal conversation is it? I’m not even sure exactly how I feel, when the friendship turned into something more, whether there was something there from the start,” she sighed, “I’ll take this week to sort my head out, I can’t say this before the funeral, I need to be there for her and if I mess things up she’ll be doing it alone.”

Raf squeezed her arm sympathetically, “I know what you mean Serena, when does the affection start to mean something more? I can’t help you with what to say to Bernie, these feelings are hard, I know.”

“How long have you known?” Raf had never said anything outright, but Serena was fairly sure that he was struggling with the same sorts of feelings for Fletch. Their friendship had always been on another level, and co-parenting had shifted their dynamic even more.

He coloured slightly, feeling like he’d been caught out.

“Oh, come on now, Raffaello, fair’s fair,” she said, bumping her shoulder into his playfully. “How was your nice family weekend?”

“You’ve caught me out, there. I guess I’m in the same position as you. I just don’t know whether it’s the intensity of living together, or if there is something there. I should take my own advice really, shouldn’t I?”

Serena nodded and laughed. “Why can’t things just be simple? It doesn’t help that I have never met anyone more averse to talking about the big things than Bernie.”

“If something is simple then it’s probably too good to be true,” he smiled sadly, but before he could say anymore Morven knocked on the door.

“You’re needed, Mrs Harrow’s crashed.”

They both jumped out of their seats and headed out onto the ward. The conversation was soon forgotten, until both of them were back at their own homes later that night.

XXXXX

Serena collapsed onto her sofa with a large glass of wine. She’d been held late at work, Mrs Harrow needing an emergency operation, and she’d got back to find a less than happy Jason wanting dinner. She had of course cooked it but now she was exhausted.

She thought back to the conversation with Raf earlier. He was right, she just needed to be honest, with herself and then with Bernie. But it wasn’t that simple, Bernie was unfathomable thanks to years of building up walls around her true self. Serena felt as if she was slowly being allowed closer in, but there was no knowing how deep Bernie’s defences truly were, or how many more she could build if she knew how Serena felt.

She vowed to herself that she would talk to Bernie sometime after the funeral. It gave her time to prepare, to get her words right. She couldn’t think about it right then, she was too tired and a little tipsy, so she headed off to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up...emotions run high at the funeral


	12. So pull me a little closer, take me a little deeper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With emotions running high at the funeral, Bernie takes a chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with this story and all your lovely comments.
> 
> As ever Beezarre thank you for allowing me to kill you with feels and to freak out about writing this chapter!
> 
> I only hope after such a long build up (I'm not really sorry) I've done this justice.

Bernie was getting everything ready for the next day, pressing her dress uniform and double checking the location of the church. She was driving, and she didn’t want to get lost and end up being late. She had decided against going to see the procession through the streets of his hometown, it would mean a very early start and she always hated being in public in her uniform, it made her conspicuous.

  
She was about to make dinner when her phone rang. She assumed it would be Serena, or maybe Cam, so she was shocked to see Charlotte’s name on the screen.

  
“Lottie? Is everything okay? What’s happened?” Bile crept into her throat, Charlotte had made it quite clear she didn’t want to talk, so Bernie assumed the worst.

  
“I’m fine, Mum, are you busy?” Even over the phone Bernie could tell her voice was cracking.

  
“No, not at all, what’s going on, love?”

  
“I just wanted to apologise, I was a right cow and I shouldn’t have treated you like that. I’m sorry I let Dad get to me, it was wrong of me not to give you a chance to explain,” by now she was crying, and Bernie’s heart melted.

  
All she could picture was the little girl that had owned up to getting pen all over the wall, sobbing and wanting comfort from her mother. Bernie had hardly recognised her daughter recently. She’d come back home after the accident to find her daughter was very much an adult, and she was quite happy with letting Bernie know she didn’t need the mother-daughter relationship.

  
This olive branch from Charlotte was a shock, but Bernie was going to cling to it for dear life. The only problem was one wrong word could snap it in half, and Bernie was good at saying the wrong thing.

  
“You have nothing to apologise for, that should be me. I’m sorry for not being there, for the affair, for the divorce. I was rubbish, and I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I want to be as much of a mother to you and Cam as I can, despite everything I’ve done. I love you two so much and I always will. What’s brought all this on?”

  
She heard a big sniff down the end of the phone, she knew it well. It was the same one Bernie did when she was getting her emotions in check and trying to shut them back inside.

  
“It wasn’t so much you not being there, or even the affair as such. I can only imagine what life is really like out there and you were away from Dad in awful circumstances. It was the fact that you hid yourself for so long, that you felt like you couldn’t be honest about who you really were. You always taught us to be proud of ourselves, live our own life, and to hear that you had been doing the complete opposite hurt. But you’re my mum, and I do love you. I just had a really big fight with Dad, and I realised he was the main reason I was still mad with you, and it just wasn’t worth it anymore.”

  
Bernie was close to tears herself now, relieved that that first step had been made in repairing the bridge between the two of them. She could barely get the words out when she replied.

  
“I’m sorry darling, I know I have a lot to explain, and I can’t do it all over the phone. I just want you to know this: although I did hide my true self, and married your father for the wrong reasons, I never have and never will regret having you and Cam. I know I won’t be winning any awards for motherhood, but I hope you don’t think I only had you because I felt a duty to.”

  
“There’s more I want to say to you Mum, maybe we could meet? With Cam, as well. He’s been saying that I should give you another chance, hear your side of things. He also said you’ve been a lot more open,” she chuckled, as if remembering a small detail. The tone of her voice brightened, she sounded more like the spirited girl Bernie had watched growing into a woman, if from afar.   
“He says he thinks you’ve met someone.”

She could hear the smile on her daughter’s face, and it warmed her heart.

  
“Well, I have met people, of course, new job and all that,” she tried to play it off, not sure that she was ready for this conversation.

  
“Mum,” Charlotte warned, “I know that voice, you’re avoiding the question. So, you have met someone?”

  
“Yes, no, maybe. It’s complicated, we’re friends, I can’t tell her how I feel, I don’t even know if she would ever think of me as more than that.” She sighed, Serena was a mystery.

  
She flirted with everyone, she had seen that when they worked together, but with Bernie she was different. It still could be passed off as flirting, harmless, fun, but Bernie had often felt an undercurrent of something else. Then there had been the comments from Fletch, and Hanssen – two people who knew Serena well and had seen a change in her, and thought it was down to Bernie.

  
“No more hiding, Mum. Don’t deny yourself a chance of happiness because you’re too busy worrying about past mistakes and what it all means. I’ve got to go, but can we meet up, next week sometime?”

  
“Yes, I’d like that. Thank you, Charlotte, and I’m sorry.”

  
“Stop apologising, but you can make up for it by telling this woman how you really feel. No more hiding?”

  
“No more hiding,” Bernie repeated, partly to Charlotte, but mainly to herself. She had to do something, and tomorrow would be the day. If she left it longer than that then she would overthink things and end up backing out. It had to be tomorrow.

  
XXXXX

  
Bernie pulled up at Serena’s house to find her standing in the doorway. She glanced at the clock in her car, 5 minutes early. She was wearing a simple black suit, a light scarf draped around her neck. She locked up the house and came over to the car.

  
“Sorry I’m late,” Bernie started, assuming her clock must be wrong and she’d kept Serena waiting.

  
“Oh, you’re not, I was just lost in thought, it’s such a beautiful day,” she mused. It was, the sky was blue, sun shining brightly. Bernie knew she would probably overheat in the thick, dark navy material of her uniform.

  
Serena secured her belt and settled into the seat as Bernie started to pull away. Bernie could feel her eyes on her, and it made her a little nervous.

  
“Anything in particular you’re staring at?” she said, trying to sound light hearted rather than accusing.

  
Serena let out a small chuckle, “I just don’t think I’ve ever seen your hair so neat. How long did it take you to tame it all?”

  
Bernie smiled and relaxed, the bun had taken her a while, “It’s at that annoying length where hair always escapes and doesn’t do what it’s told. I had to use about half a can of hairspray on it to keep it under control. It would probably stay like this even if I took all the pins out!”

  
They continued the journey with light conversation, it was about an hour to the church. There was a sombre air in the car, partly due to the circumstances, but also because both women were nervous. Serena could tell something was on Bernie’s mind, but didn’t want to ask. She wasn’t ready to pull back the curtain and discover how Bernie truly felt.

  
They reached the funeral in good time, there were only a few people at the church, most seemed to have gone to the procession. They made their way in shoulder to shoulder, Bernie could tell Serena was miles away, remembering when she was doing the same thing just under a year ago, for Arthur.

  
The church began filling up, it was a huge turnout. Bernie recognised a lot of faces, from her days in the army, and greeted them. No one really enquired about Serena, not seeming surprised that Bernie wasn’t with her husband, it wasn’t the day to be asking those sorts of questions.

  
Eventually, the procession arrived. As was custom, the coffin was covered in a Union Jack, with Captain Peake’s beret alongside the flowers. Bernie stiffened slightly at the sight of Alex, who had joined Major Cole and four other members of her old regiment to be pall bearers. She was barely holding it together, Bernie could see.

  
She wasn’t sure what she had expected, seeing Alex again after all this time. After she had told Bernie to come and find her when she’d sorted her life out, Bernie had gone home and ended it with Marcus. She had wanted so badly to make it work between them.

  
Then Marcus had found out, the kids had found out. Everyone knew and although she was free, she couldn’t bring herself to call Alex. She didn’t know why, she found herself staring at Alex’s number on her phone, willing herself to ring it. But she never did.

Something deep down told her that it wasn’t right. She didn’t love Alex as she had loved Bernie, because there was never an ease to their relationship. It was built on fear and secrecy, and Bernie knew it couldn’t work outside of the army. So, she hadn’t rung her.  
Seeing her now, there was no ache in her heart. There would always be a part of her that loved Alex, for giving her the confidence to be herself, to embrace who she was. Alex was brilliant, funny and deserved someone who could love her completely. She hoped she had found that someone.

  
Serena squeezed her arm as they stood for the procession. Bernie glanced at her, and felt a wave of calm come over her. She smiled at her and returned the gesture. This would be hard for both of them, but they could be each other’s strength.

  
The service passed both of them in a daze. Bernie hated funerals, having attended far more than anyone her age should have to. Serena was lost in her own world, thinking of Arthur and also her mother, her grief bubbling up. The things she had never said to her mother, the opportunities Arthur never had. Life was cruel, and so one should grab every chance of happiness.

  
Serena’s chance of happiness was sat right there, next to her. Shoulders brushing, stiff posture that she had maintained all day. It was as if the uniform also contained Bernie’s military persona, disciplined and regimented. It suited her, although Serena was sure it was a diluted version of the true Major Wolfe, the grief and months of civilian life had softened her slightly.

  
They attended the wake, Serena had insisted, despite Bernie saying that she didn’t have to as she wouldn’t know anybody. She thought it would be good for Bernie to share some fond memories of Captain Peake, with people who knew him best. She was quite happy to be there, supporting Bernie. She introduced herself to Bernie’s colleagues as a friend, but the knowing looks between some of the soldiers didn’t go unnoticed by either of them.

  
A tall brunette, slightly younger than the two of them, with a straight back and a hard expression, evidently masking hidden emotion, approached them.   
“Major Wolfe,” she greeted Bernie, then nodded at Serena, paling ever so slightly.   
“Alex, there’s no need to be so official,” Alex. So, this was her. Serena gulped then tried her best to smile warmly and not compare herself to the woman in front of her. “How are you doing? Were you there, when it happened?”

  
Alex shook her head and looked down. “I’ve left, the army wasn’t the same after,” she paused and glanced at Bernie, “after you’d gone.”

  
Bernie looked uncomfortable at this and shuffled slightly towards Serena. She was trying to ground herself, the whirl of emotions was too much. Serena wasn’t sure what to do. She felt she should leave them alone, to talk so started to move away, but Bernie caught her wrist, stopping her.

  
“So, what are you up to now?” Bernie wanted to keep to small talk, skirting the real question that she wanted to ask.

  
“I locumed around Holby for a while, but I… I needed something permanent, a proper new start. So, I’ve moved to London, I’m at St. George’s now.”

  
“And did you find the new start you were looking for?” Bernie asked, again not having the confidence to say it out loud. Alex understood what she meant though.

  
“I did, Bern, it’s working itself out. Did you manage to sort your life out?”

  
“I’m pleased for you, Alex, I really am. Yes, Marcus and I have divorced, and I’ve settled into St James.”

  
Alex glanced at Serena then raised her eyebrow at Bernie, clearly wondering why Bernie hadn’t mentioned her. Serena didn’t want to push Bernie, but Alex forced the conversation by holding out her hand to Serena.

  
“I’m sorry, I don’t think we’ve met. Alex Dawson, I was in the same regiment as Bernie.”

  
“Serena, I’m a friend of Bernie’s, it’s nice to meet you.” She didn’t want to say any more than that, and although Bernie wanted her to stay, she decided it would be better to leave the two of them alone. Alex had evidently moved on, and Bernie had seemed relieved at this news.

  
“I’ll get us some drinks, would you like something Alex?” Alex shook her head, so Serena left them, weaving through the crowd of people.

  
“I guess there was never a chance of you getting back to me was there?” Alex said simply, once Serena had gone.

  
“I’m sorry, Alex, I was a coward. I left Marcus that night, after I saw you. I knew deep down that we wouldn’t work together, not outside of the army. I think you knew that too.”

  
“You could have at least called me one last time. Even if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear, I was worried that you were still with him. You deserved better, Bern, and it would have been nice to let me know you’d found it,” she glanced back to Serena and then smiled at Bernie, who looked stunned.

  
“You seem happier now, I’m glad for you.”  
For the second time that week Bernie was at a loss for words, desperately trying to explain what Serena was to her, but failing. Alex knew her too well, she wouldn’t buy it if Bernie told her nothing was going on.

  
She decided to be honest, remembering Charlotte’s words to her from yesterday.   
“We’re not there yet, but I’m going to tell her how I feel,” she looked down at her shoes, then over to Serena. She couldn’t be sure but she thought she had been watching the two of them. She was coming over, and Alex smiled at Bernie before embracing her.

  
“Keep in touch, Bern. I’d like to still be friends,” she let her go, Bernie still stood not quite sure what she should do.

  
“I’d like that too, Alex. I’m happy for you,”   
She meant it, Alex had started off as a great friend and she had missed that when she had left the army. Now, they’d both moved on and she couldn’t see a reason why they had to ignore each other.

  
Serena had brought the drinks over and Alex had moved on to talk to others. She was soon replaced by Louise, Captain Peake’s wife.

  
“Major Wolfe, thank you so much for coming. I know he looked up to you so much.” Her eyes were red and weary, the makeup wasn’t hiding the dark circles. Bernie’s heart broke, knowing that Louise would be trying to be strong for the two children, whilst dealing with her own grief.

  
“It was a pleasure to have known him, you’re probably sick of hearing it by now, but I am truly sorry for your loss. He was a fantastic doctor, and he did his country proud.” Louise nodded and thanked Bernie again, before she was gathered into a large hug by someone else.

  
Bernie turned to Serena to see if she was ready to leave, and saw she was fighting to hold back the tears. Knowing she wouldn’t want to be seen like this in public, despite being surrounded by strangers, Bernie placed one hand gently on her back and guided her out of the church hall.

  
They ended up in a secluded part of the gardens, the beautiful pinks and violets of oriental poppies, geraniums and iris complementing each other. They sat on a bench and Bernie placed a hand on Serena’s shoulder, as she let out a large sob.

  
The emotion of the day had caught up with Serena, and seeing the wife had been too much. It just reminded her of how unfair life could be. He, like Arthur, was just a boy, in her eyes. She wiped her eyes, feeling silly. She was there to support Bernie, it shouldn’t be the other way round.

  
She felt Bernie’s arm wrap around her shoulder, pulling her in closer. Bernie understood why she was upset, they didn’t need words.

  
“Don’t be nice to me, you’ll make it worse,” she choked on a sob, and glanced up at Bernie. There were silent tears rolling down her cheeks. She looked deep into Bernie’s eyes. She saw the hurt, the grief, but there was something more, a longing almost.

  
Before she knew what was happening the gap between them closed. Suddenly, her mind was filled with one thing, taking over all of her senses. Bernie. Their lips met, fervent and desperate. All she could feel was their softness against her own, a citrussy scent took over as she breathed in. It felt so familiar, whilst at the same time she was freefalling. She could hardly believe what was happening, but all thoughts left her as she fell deeper into the kiss.

  
Bernie’s arm was still draped over her shoulders, and she moved her own up to wind around her neck, shifting herself so they were facing each other properly.

  
Bernie pulled back slightly, looking panicked, her eyes searching Serena’s for signs that she’d crossed a line, but Serena reassured her by leaning forwards and resuming the kiss. She had yearned for this for so long, if she was honest probably from the moment she had met Serena. The kiss became more intense, both of them realising it was what the other wanted, no, needed. It was passionate and full of feeling, Bernie could taste the slight saltiness of tears, unsure whether they were hers or Serena’s.

  
She gripped Serena tightly, time had stopped and she never wanted it to start again. They could have been there for hours, she wouldn’t have known, but footsteps and voices were approaching and they both stopped.

  
Serena was smiling through her tears, and Bernie felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Everything made sense now, she had taken a risk and it had paid off. All the worrying about ruining their friendship seemed pointless, as if this moment had been inevitable from the start.

  
As the voices faded and they were alone once again, Serena took Bernie’s hand in her own and squeezed it lightly. She wanted to pull Bernie back in, now she knew that there was something between them she couldn’t let it go. But she was still scared, this had been an emotionally charged situation, what if Bernie wasn’t ready? She had seen Alex again, and although there didn’t seem to be any feelings anymore, was this maybe just Bernie trying to convince herself that she was over Alex?

  
The peace and bliss was quickly being replaced by doubt and Serena’s stomach churned. She went to let go of Bernie’s hand, but she gripped it harder, stopping Serena from moving.

  
“We should go, I, we, need to talk.” Serena nodded in agreement and they stood to go to the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if you're dead from feels, I still don't think I've recovered from writing this.


	13. I want to know your heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They had kissed. But that's just the start, can they both put their insecurities and worries behind them?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all your wonderful comments! I am as relieved as you all are that they finally did something about their feelings!!  
> Once again thank you Beezarre for letting me spam you with snippets (and berena gifs) and being super encouraging!!  
> The title from this chapter and the last one are from a song called Closer by Bethel (it's a worship song, but I just felt those two lines fitted these two chapters!)  
> Here is the talk that has been long awaited!

Bernie was shaking and tried to hide it from Serena by rushing to the car, but Serena kept up and took her hand, intertwining their fingers. Her hands were sweaty but she was grateful that Serena wasn't recoiling from her and didn't seem to regret what had happened. She risked a glance at Serena, who was looking back, almost shy and nervous.

They didn't see anyone on the way back to the car park, for which Bernie was glad. She didn't think she could form a sentence right now, her mouth was dry and her heart beating fast. She couldn't believe what she had done, nor what Serena had done back. They'd kissed and she'd not pushed her away. Then, Bernie had suggested they talk. _Talk._ She must be mad or Serena must be very special, if she wanted to have a conversation about feelings.

They got into her car and suddenly Serena was nervous. They hadn't said anything since that moment, except Bernie saying they had to talk. Was she going to say it was a mistake, it shouldn't have happened? She wasn't sure she could accept that, at least this provided the perfect opportunity for her to confess her true feelings. Now she had experienced Bernie's kiss she was completely sure, she wanted Bernie and no one else.

She could tell Bernie was scared and she'd taken her hand to try and tell her that it was okay, she hadn't done anything wrong and it was what Serena wanted. Now they had an hour in the car, this wasn't the right place for _that_ conversation, but they couldn't ignore what had happened. There was a charged tension between them, neither wanting to break the silence. Serena could see Bernie sneaking glances at her all the way back, a shy but content smile on her lips.

She gradually relaxed during the journey, letting the tension that she hadn't realised was in her shoulders go. There was no reason why this should be awkward, they were both mature adults and if they wanted the same thing it was a natural progression of their relationship. It didn't stop the butterflies in her stomach.

The trip back passed Bernie in a haze, she was eager to get back, to work out the jumble of emotion that was swirling in her heart and pour it out to Serena. She couldn't stop herself looking at Serena, sat back in her seat, the sunlight highlighting the rich tones in her hair.

As they neared Holby, Bernie spoke up. "Shall we, um, go to mine? It's a bit of a mess but I've got coffee, or wine?"

"Oh, could we possibly go to mine? Jason will be expecting me back for fish and chips."

She hoped that Bernie would also stay for dinner, but didn't want to pressure her. Bernie nodded, in fact this meant that she could get herself home after they'd talked, it had been a long day and it wasn't over yet.

They got to Serena's with about an hour before Jason was due back from work. Serena wasn't quite sure what to do or say, so went for the typical British offer of tea. Bernie agreed, alcohol wasn't the best idea in the circumstances, and coffee would definitely keep her awake for too long.

While Serena was in the kitchen, Bernie hovered awkwardly. She paced back and forth in the doorway, not wanting to make herself too at home. Was it really only two weeks since she'd last been here, watching Serena move effortlessly around the kitchen, allowing herself to imagine the two of them living together, despite thinking how utterly impossible that would be. And here she was now, hoping beyond all hopes that today's events meant that Serena wanted that too.

 Serena passed her a mug with a small smile, letting their hands touch and lingering there for a moment longer than necessary.

"Shall we sit?" she offered, wanting them both to feel more at ease. Bernie nodded again, her brain didn't seem to be able to form any words at this moment.

They perched on the sofa, facing each other and knees grazing together. Bernie craved the touch of Serena, her affectionate tactility had become like a drug to her over the past couple of months.

"Serena-" "Bernie-" They both started at the same time, and chuckled. Bernie gestured to Serena, "You first,"

"I'll be honest with you Bernie, I've never been more than friends with another woman before. And your friendship means so much to me, but I just know I care about you, I like you, more than a friend. I didn't realise it until the fundraiser, and I didn't know what to do.  I was scared, I didn't want to lose you as a friend and I was a bit confused by it all. I still am. I didn't want to pressure you, and I wasn't sure if you could possibly feel the same about me. In fact, I was sure you didn't, after you encouraged me to go on that date."

Bernie was quiet for a moment, letting the words sink in as she got her thoughts in order and worked out what to say next. She reached over and took Serena's hand in her own, squeezing it affectionately.

"Our friendship has meant the world to me too, but I've wanted it to be more. I'm not too sure when it happened, but I think it's been a while. Everyone seems to have noticed and assumed things were going on between us. I was scared too, I've ruined too many friendships in the past." She smirked slightly, "You'd think by our age we'd know life's too short to be worrying about that sort of thing, especially when it gets in the way of what we want. And I want to try, Serena, if it's what you want too?"

"Absolutely," she replied as she set down the mug on the coffee table, Bernie mirroring her actions. "Although it's not exactly Mills and Boon, is it?"

Bernie chuckled and stroked Serena's cheek. "Me, messy divorce, you, dyed-in-the-wool heterosexual? I guess not, but I always found those novels rather boring and predictable. Huh, Marcus and I could be described as that, first love and everything, and look how that turned out.”

Serena could hear Bernie’s voice becoming soft, wistful almost, as if she wished things could have been different. It was the first time she’d mentioned Marcus since the fundraiser, and Serena wanted to say so much to her.

“Bernie, I want you to know from the start that if you ever feel uncomfortable with anything I say, or do, you can tell me. Promise me, you won’t shut your feelings away and put up with something when you aren’t happy. I couldn’t do that to you, you are the most fantastic, fearless woman I’ve met and you deserve to be happy. I hope that I can make you happy, but if you aren’t, you’ll tell me, yes?”

Bernie's natural instinct was to look down, pull her hand away, these words from Serena felt almost fake to Bernie, she had been given false reassurances in the past. Why would she be saying these things, what was her motive behind them? But looking into her eyes she saw nothing but care and concern. This was where Bernie wanted to be, with Serena, and she knew that if she ran, there was no going back. Because although Bernie felt broken beyond repair, Serena had been damaged too, and together they could try and fix each other. Bernie knew that her honesty and trust in Serena was the only way.

"I've been hiding things for so long, Serena, I sometimes wonder if I can. I promise to try, because you are the only person that I have wanted to open up to. I ran from Marcus and I ran from Alex, but I am drawn to you. I have been since we first met. I felt so ashamed when you found out about Marcus and what he's done to me. At first I thought it was because I didn't want you to think I was weak, but then I realised it's because I felt guilty for not having told you sooner." She tried to hold back the tears, but they welled up in her eyes and she gave in. She could see Serena's eyes were glistening too.

"I know that we're very different when it comes to being open, and my reserve stems from a lot of factors, I don't want to get too psychological, but it runs deep. I want to be with you, but I still feel guilty at having that happiness when I've screwed up so much in the past."

Serena could see the self-deprecation starting, and leant closer, cupping Bernie's face in her hands so she couldn't look down.

"Berenice Wolfe, you deserve this, yes things got a bit messed up with your previous relationships, but that was not your fault. You've patched things up with Alex, and I know it's hard but try and forget everything Marcus said. I am going to show you just what an amazing person you are, and how much you mean to me, if you'll let me?"

Bernie gave the slightest nod and her eyes darted to Serena's lips. Suddenly, nothing else mattered, because Serena was here, she wanted this and Bernie for the second time that day, closed the gap between them. This time, Serena met her in the middle, their lips delicately touching. It wasn’t as desperate and intense as their first kiss, because now they knew, they could be sure in each other’s feelings and know that there would be another, so many other, moments like this. Serena whimpered against Bernie’s lips as she felt her strong hands at the back of her head, delicately raking through her hair. She wanted to reciprocate to Bernie but struggled, the tight bun and hairspray stiff beneath her fingers. She pouted slightly and Bernie pulled back, smirking.

“Told you it took a lot to tame it,” she said, using the pause to take off her heavy jacket and loosen the tie around her neck. Serena used it to pull Bernie closer then wrapped her arms around her neck. Now she had experienced Bernie’s kiss she never wanted to stop.

She’d wondered, over the last week what it would be like, kissing a woman, worrying she wouldn’t enjoy it, or worse that she wouldn’t be good at it. She knew now that had been ridiculous because this just worked. Her first kiss at the age of 13 had been awful, noses getting in the way, too much saliva and tongues scraping against teeth. How different her second first kiss had been, and boy how different again was this. It was natural, each instinctively knew how the other was about to move, when to pause for air, the tiny changes in speed or pressure and what they meant.

Whether it was because this kiss was with a woman, or because it was Bernie, Serena would never know (not that she wanted to find out, she had no intention of trying this with any other woman), all she was certain of was this was the best she’d ever had, and she’d had a few. 

Bernie was completely lost in Serena. Her lips, her hair, her scent were what she’d imagined and so much more. She could happily stay like this forever, although she wanted to go further with Serena it wasn’t the time for it. This was all new to Serena and she herself wasn’t ready, not tonight, after the day they’d had. Now was not the time to be thinking about the past, or the future. Bernie let herself be present, in this moment, pushing all other thoughts ad doubts and what ifs from her mind.

“You really should finish your tea before you start anything else Auntie Serena, yours have both gone cold.” They sprang apart, Jason had managed to get all the way into the lounge without them noticing he’d got back.

“Jason, hi, you’re back early, we, I, wasn’t expecting you to be home yet.” Serena was bright red, and she could tell Bernie matched her. They were sat at opposite ends of the sofa now, trying not to meet each other’s, or Jason’s eyes.

“Actually, I’m three minutes later than usual, there was more traffic on London Road. Shall I clear up your mugs while you go and get fish and chips? Bernie can go with you and pick what she wants to eat.”

Serena looked at Bernie, tilting her head, asking wordlessly if she wanted to stay for dinner. She nodded and stood,

“I’ll drive, I’ve blocked you in.”

“Of course, I’ll be out in a moment, I just want to,” she gestured to the kitchen where Jason was filling the dishwasher.

Bernie understood, this wasn’t exactly how she’d imagined Jason finding out. Truth be told she hadn’t thought much past telling Serena how she felt.

“Jason, what you saw, Bernie and I,” Serena started, but Jason grinned and cut her off.

“Don’t worry, Auntie Serena, I totally understand. You and Bernie love each other.”

He said it so simply, as if nothing else mattered and there was nothing complicated about the relationship.

“I wouldn’t say love, Jason, it’s a bit soon for that. We’ve only just today realised we’re more than friends.”

Jason furrowed his brow.

“How come you only just realised? Fletch has been saying it for ages, how could he know but you and Bernie not?”

“I guess we were both worried that the other person only wanted to be friends.”

“That’s silly, why didn’t you just ask Bernie how she felt?”

She sighed and smiled, “I don’t know, Jason, but I know how she feels now and that’s what matters. Now, do you have any more questions or shall I go and get this dinner?”

“Can I have a pickled egg?”

Her smile grew wider and she patted his arm, “Of course, and you don’t mind Bernie being around a bit more do you?”

He shook his head and smiled back at her. “You’d better not keep her waiting!”

Serena left the house to find Bernie leaning against her car. She stopped, allowing herself to take in the sight properly. Bernie gave her a shy smile and she hurried over, pressing a quick kiss onto her lips. She doubted she would ever get used to the fact that she could do that now.

“Everything sorted?” she asked, hoping Jason was okay with what he’d seen.

“Absolutely. All he asked was why didn’t we get together sooner and if he could have a pickled egg!”

Bernie sighed in relief. If Jason had a problem with the two of them being together there would be no question, they couldn’t do it. He was Serena’s top priority and Bernie respected that.

The drive to the chip shop was short, and Serena spent it grinning to herself. When they got there, Bernie slipped her hand into Serena’s, silently asking with a look whether it was okay. She smiled and squeezed Bernie’s hand. She barely noticed what she was ordering, she felt giddy, on top of the world.

A vague thought formed in the back of her mind, they might look quite odd: two middle aged women holding hands, one in an all black suit, the other in partial military dress uniform, tie loose and top button undone, but Serena found she didn’t care.

They got back and found Jason watching a Mary Beard documentary, so they settled onto the sofa. Bernie sat at one end, not wanting to show too much affection in front of Jason, but Serena cuddled close to her and she soon relaxed.

Once they’d finished eating, Jason announced that he was going to watch TV in his room, as he didn’t want to disturb them. They both said goodnight to him, and Serena looked up at Bernie.

“Will you stay?”

Bernie kissed her forehead and smiled. “I’d love to, but I’ve got work tomorrow and I wouldn’t want to wake you early.”

Serena sat up and shrugged, “So have I, I’m quite an early riser anyway. You can borrow Elinor’s pyjamas again, I’ll set an alarm.”

She settled back down, tucking under Bernie’s arm and settling on her chest. Bernie hummed, content, and stroked Serena’s hair.

“I got a call from Charlotte yesterday. She was upset, and apologised for how she’d been, she wants to meet up.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful! What changed her mind?”

“I’m not sure, apparently something to do with Marcus, but she wouldn’t say. She’s been talking to Cam, who told her that I might have met someone. She basically told me that I had to admit my feelings, as a way of apologising to her.”

“So, we have her to thank, do we?” Serena smiled. We. It felt so good to say it; she and Bernie were a couple. She wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but at the same time wanted to keep it between the two of them, a precious secret which left other people questioning. Not that she would be able to keep that secret, she was fairly sure as soon as she walked onto the ward tomorrow, her entire AAU family would know. There was no way she would be able to keep the grin off her face.

They stayed curled up for a little while longer, before Bernie yawned, and could feel Serena starting to doze off. She stretched and nudged her gently, then they both made their way upstairs.

“Where are you going?” Serena asked through a yawn, as Bernie pushed the door to the guest bedroom open.

“To bed?”

“Well, I’d rather hoped you’d sleep with me. Next to… I mean, in my bed. If you’d like?” She stuttered, suddenly nervous. Did Bernie not want to share a bed? Was she self-conscious, or did she not feel comfortable? Maybe this was too fast?

“I didn’t want to assume…” she said, looking at Serena through her fringe. _God, does she realise how gorgeous she looks when she does that?_

“Don’t be silly, we’ve been dancing around each other for long enough now.” She replied and reached out for her hand.

She found an old t shirt for Bernie to wear, and went into the en suite to let her get changed. She put on her own night dress and looked in the mirror. She had been tempted to leave her make up on, she knew Bernie wore very little and still looked wonderful, but she had more signs of aging. However, she had smudges of mascara underneath her eyes and decided that Bernie wasn’t that shallow. She went back into the bedroom to find Bernie hovering again. She slipped into the bathroom as Serena got into bed, watching her as she went. She could tell Bernie was nervous, although she had no reason to be.

When she returned, Serena patted the empty side of the bed. Bernie got under the covers and immediately migrated towards Serena. It had been so long since she’d shared a bed, and even with Marcus, she had always left a space between them, but it just felt so right to fall asleep in Serena’s arms.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was meant to be a really short chapter....got a bit carried away! Next up, AAU and the Dunn children find out :)


	14. Playing Cupid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The AAU staff discover that their plans to push Bernie and Serena together won't be necessary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short chapter, I know where I want this story to go, but I'm not quite sure how to get it there! This one's a bit of fluff and humour and not much else, I've given you all enough feels already. (There will be more to come though, I hope!)
> 
> Thank you again Beezarre for ideas for the list (and also for giving me the idea of the list in the first place!) and for keeping me going with this story!! 
> 
> Hope you enjoy :)

The alarm blared, cutting through Bernie’s half formed dream. She tried to reach out to turn it off, but her arm was trapped, heavy and numb. She shifted slightly to see why she couldn’t move, then the reason dawned on her and she smiled. She and Serena were tangled together, everything felt right with the world. Things were finally slotting into place and she felt maybe, just maybe, she could allow herself to not run or avoid anymore.

Serena stirred and groaned, still half asleep. She extricated her arm and turned the alarm off. She looked back at the woman lying next to her and whispered in her ear.

“I thought you said you were an early riser.”

Serena’s eyes flew open, the shock of waking up next to someone fully hitting her. She met the deep, hazel eyes, looking at her in amusement, tight lips pulled into a smile and trying not to laugh. It was wonderful and Serena knew every morning she didn’t wake up next to Bernie would be a disappointment.

“Turns out there are things I’m willing to stay in bed for,” she said, her voice croaky and thick with sleep. She saw Bernie’s eyes darken slightly. How had she missed the signs in Bernie’s expressions that she had the same desire as Serena?

She shuffled closer to her, kissing her gently, lingering, loathe to let her go again. Bernie sighed, clearly feeling the same. Somehow, she managed to gain some self-control and dragged herself out of the bed.

She pulled on her uniform from yesterday, and made her way downstairs, closely followed by Serena, tying her robe. Jason was already up, getting breakfast for himself.

“Good morning, Auntie Serena, good morning Bernie. Did you sleep well?”

“Yes, thank you Jason. Bernie, would you like something to eat?” Serena called through to the lounge, where Bernie was picking up her jacket and hat.

“Oh, no thanks. I need to get back to the flat before work.”

“Well, make sure you have something.” Serena gravitated towards her, smoothing her collar affectionately.

“Coffee and a pastry from the café okay with you?” She pressed their lips together, the novelty of being able to do that not wearing off.

“Mm,” Serena smiled then let her go, immediately missing the contact. They both had a busy week ahead, Bernie was on call and she had the new trauma unit to open. She walked her to the door, catching her wrist and pulling her in for one last kiss.

“I want to take you out, on a date… a proper first date.” Serena said. “To make up for the other one.” Bernie grinned, running her fingers over Serena’s wrists.

“I’d like that.” Her voice was soft, eyes searching deep into Serena’s. “Have a good day.”

“And you,” she watched her drive away, then shut the door and leaned against it. She stayed there, eyes closed, smile flickering at the corners of her mouth, until Jason called her, reminding her how long she had to get ready.

XXXXX

She got to work early, buying coffee for herself and a juice for Jason before his shift. He left to go up to Darwin and she made her way to AAU. She entered the ward to find everyone busy, the ward was a hive of activity, although it wasn’t frantic, everything appeared to be running smoothly. She stood at the board, looking over the new admissions since she was last in.

She took her lunch to the staff room to leave in the fridge, where a slip of paper caught her eye. It was written in typical doctor’s scrawl, Raf’s she decided, but there was a word at the top that was unmistakeable. _Bernie._

She picked it up, frowning and studying it closer. _Pros and cons of dating Bernie Wolfe._ She laughed, and read further down the page.

_Pros:_

  * _Same age_
  * _Understands life as a doctor_
  * _Can moan about difficult kids_
  * _Can handle her drink_



The next few had been added in Fletch’s writing

  * _Hot, used to be in the army (could lift you upstairs)_
  * _Wears a uniform_
  * _Surgeon – good with hands_



She quirked her eyebrow, he really did have a one-track mind, although he made an excellent point: her uniform was something else. Her eyes tracked down to the cons, this would be interesting.

_Cons:_

  * _Scheduling tricky with shifts_
  * _Doesn’t know how to use a comb_
  * _Super distracting because she’s all you’ll think about_
  * _Kind of scary_



Again, Fletch’s writing, well, if he was scared of Bernie, that was going on the pros list. She drew an arrow up to it.

  * _Gets up ridiculously early for runs_



She wondered about that one, it was oddly specific. Also, if this morning was anything to go by, she didn’t always get up for runs. She smiled, crossing it off. She wondered whether to confront them about it, she was curious as to who had put on the last con.

Her pager bleeped before she could decide, so she left the list where she’d found it, forgetting about it with the flood of patients that came in.

A few hours later, she saw Fletch coming out of the staff room, looking perplexed at the slip of paper, tucking it into his pocket and approaching Raf and Morven. Their heads were together and they kept slipping glances over to her. He reached into his pocket and showed it to them. They both shrugged and Serena decided to put them out of their misery.

“Everything alright over here?” She sauntered towards them, trying to seem casual. Before he had time to react, she pinched the list from him and read it, pretending to be unimpressed.

“Serena, sorry, we just, um, yesterday when you were off, we thought you might need a little prompting, to do something about Bernie, and it got a little out of hand,” Raf splurted out, the other two suddenly finding their shoes incredibly interesting.

She smiled at them, the sarcastic half smile she used frequently.

“Don’t worry about it, I appreciate that you are all concerned for my love life. Just a quick question, this last one…what makes you think she gets up early for runs?”

At this Morven went bright red.

“Ah, well, um, I may have insider information,”

It suddenly dawned on Serena, she’d completely forgotten that Morven and Cam knew each other.

“Of course, Cam.” Morven gaped at her.

“You knew?”

“Yeah, Bernie had put two and two together, he’d told her about meeting a doctor at his volunteering, then you were talking about it at Albie’s. Sorry, I was going to mention it but it slipped my mind.”

“No worries, you’ve had other things to think about,” she smiled mischievously. “Anyway, apparently she gets up at six in the morning to exercise and that is just inhuman.”

“Well, she doesn’t every day,” Serena quipped, arching one eyebrow, eyes sparkling. Raf and Morven looked at her with completely stunned expressions, but Fletch was grinning.

“Ohhhhhh, did someone wake up with a certain Major in their bed this morning?” He playfully nudged her arm and she gave a coy smile.

“Nothing really happened, but it turns out we don’t need you lot to prompt us into action. We’re uh,” she paused, what were they? “we’re together, now. But, I’d appreciate if you didn’t go telling everybody. I’d rather not be subject to idle gossip.”

They nodded, all smiling. They weren’t going to be saying anything, they respected Serena and were genuinely happy for her.

“Why did you move ‘kind of scary’ to the pros, boss?” Fletch asked, realising it was Serena that had made the changes.

“Ah, well, if you step out of line I can definitely get her to go all big macho army medic on you, and that is a definite pro.”

They all laughed, but the call button from Mr Carter interrupted them. Raf and Fletch went over, leaving Serena and Morven to start the afternoon ward round.

“How are things going with you and Cam then?” She asked, Morven didn’t think it, but she deserved to get back out there.

“Oh, well, nothing’s really going on. He, uh, he’s taking me out for dinner tonight. Just casual,” she smiled at the floor, she was obviously quite taken with him. “Please, don’t say anything to Ms. Wolfe, I don’t know whether Cam will have said, it’s not really my place.”

“Of course I won’t, and, uh, the same goes for telling Cam, about us.”

“It goes without saying, Ms. Campbell.”

They reached the first patient, a simple surgical wound infection, and the afternoon started.

She managed to finish all the surgery with good time to spare, she decided to get up to date on paperwork, staying late wasn’t a problem because the night team were there to deal with emergencies.

She looked at her phone, seeing a text from Bernie.

**Hope your day is going better than mine, motorcycle incident and he’ll be spending a long time on ITU. Lucky to be alive, now I’ve got a night of on call to look forward to. X**

She smiled, to other people it might not seem like much, but Bernie mainly used texts to arrange meeting up, so Serena knew that this text meant she was thinking about her, even if she’d not said it in so many words.

**He was lucky to have you as his doctor. Mine was busy, but not terrible, the rest of the staff were planning on playing cupid for us if we hadn’t got our acts together! Go and have a coffee, and text me if you’re bored, I’m just doing paperwork. X**

She carried on with the file in front of her, but Bernie texted back immediately. Morven and Fletch watched her through the blinds of the office. She paused quite frequently to answer, always with a small grin.

“She’s got it bad, hasn’t she?” Fletch said.

“I’m really happy for them. From what Cam said, Bernie’s had a pretty rough time of it too, her daughter’s only just started speaking to her after the divorce.”

“I just hope this doesn’t involve too much baggage.” The two of them jumped, Hanssen had appeared out of nowhere. “Although I think the board will be relieved to know Ms. Campbell will be a bit more relaxed in future meetings, she has been a bit of a dragon recently.”

He walked off, leaving the two of them stood gaping at each other. Morven shrugged, following him off the ward. Fletch laughed to himself, then went into the locker room to change.

Serena stayed a bit later than the end of her shift, wanting to get the last few files seen to. They would be short staffed the next day and she still had things to prepare for the opening of the new trauma bay. She would probably have got things done a bit quicker, but Bernie was obviously bored and also doing paperwork, which meant she was continuing the steady stream of texts.

Once she was home, she poured herself a glass of Shiraz and settled on the sofa with a curry she’d made the other day. Bernie was still on her mind, although she’d gone into theatre now. It was crazy how quickly everything had been turned on its head, but it felt as if that first kiss in the beautiful garden had been years ago. She had never experienced this before, she didn’t know if it was because she knew Bernie so well as a friend, before it had turned into something more. All of her other relationships had developed quickly, but with Bernie it was as if she had always known her. She was familiar, comfortable, exciting and a mystery all at once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said the Dunn children would find out, i just haven't written it yet - but that will be next!


	15. Introductions and Reunions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They knew things wouldn't be simple once they were together, but they had hoped for a few days of enjoying it before the more serious conversations had to be had. The world has other ideas, in the form of Bernie's children, one intent on working out who Bernie's special someone is, the other reaching out to Bernie and forcing her to tell them something she thought she never would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW mentions of domestic violence
> 
> I am so sorry this chapter took so long, it's been due to a mixture of hitting a brick wall with ideas and real life getting in the way! Writing this chapter involved hours of metaphorically banging my head against a wall, procrastinating by watching many different TV shows, moaning a lot to Beezarre about not writing, about 5 hours of frantic typing when I finally got my muse back and 5 minutes laughing at a joke I wrote that you will probably either cringe at, or groan at. 
> 
> Once again, thank you Beezarre for getting excited about this chapter and cheering me on from the sidelines! 
> 
> There is a part in this where Charlotte does a thing, I couldn't describe it well, but I've linked a gif, imagine a younger, longer haired version of Bernie doing that (and credit to ktlsyrtis for the gif!) 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Sunday passed in a blur of broken bones, internal bleeding and several cases of food poisoning. Serena managed to fit in paperwork around surgery and tutoring F1s, making sure everything was ready for the unit to open the next day. Bernie had been equally busy, but they had plans for Tuesday to go on their first official date. Serena had found somewhere perfect to take her, special and unique to them.

She woke up early on Monday morning, the sun creeping above the treetops, a soft pink glow filling the sky. It wasn’t her alarm that had woken her, but her mobile ringing. Serena frowned, who on earth would be calling this early? Her annoyance soon dissipated as she saw the caller ID.

“Please don’t expect me to be coherent at this ungodly hour,” she said, skipping the usual greetings. She heard Bernie laugh, loud and short.

“Good morning to you too! I wanted to say good luck for today, you’ll be amazing I know. I would have texted but I,” she paused and Serena could tell she was blushing slightly, her voice hesitant. “I wanted to hear your voice.”

“Oh, Bernie, thank you. And I know we’ll be fine, we’ve been taught by the best.” Bernie let out a short, derisive ‘ha’.

“Flattery will get you everywhere, Ms Campbell. Remember, in trauma,”

“You always need a Plan B,” she finished, in sync with Bernie. They chuckled and a short silence ensued, both wanting to say so many words, but not quite finding the right ones. Serena listened to the sound of Bernie’s breath down the line.

“How was your shift last night?” She knew the reason that Bernie was ringing so early was because for her, it was actually late.

“I’ve still not finished, we had a few surgeries overnight and I need to take one back in now his blood pressure's improved. We were doing damage limitation, but he’s not out of the woods.”

“At least you’ve got the rest of the day off, and tomorrow too.” Serena pouted, she had 12 hours today, and an early start the next.

“They’ll be boring without seeing you,” Serena knew Bernie was chewing her bottom lip with a coy smile.

“Now who’s using flattery, Ms Wolfe?” she quipped back, a flirtatious tone in her voice. Bernie’s laugh quickly transformed into a yawn.

“You’d better get that surgery done and go to bed. We don't want you falling asleep in the on call room and doing your back in,” she chided softly. “Thank you for ringing, I appreciate it. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Any clues about where you’re taking me?” Bernie asked hopefully, but Serena didn’t want to spoil the surprise.

“Don’t wear anything too dressy and bring a jacket. That’s all I’m telling you,” she smiled as she heard Bernie’s ‘hmph’ on the end of the line. A short pause again, neither wanting to go, but both of them needing to.

“I’ll pick you up at six, okay?”

“I can’t wait. I’ll see you then Serena.”

“Me neither, bye, Bernie.”

It didn’t feel like enough, saying her name, the same way she ended any phone call, except her voice was lower, softer, more tentative. In a way their friendship hadn’t changed, but it was also completely different. It had evolved, something inevitable, crucial for their survival, for their future. What should she say, darling? Love? Was that too much, was Bernie having the same thoughts having hung up the phone with a soft good bye? She sighed and focused on getting ready, planning for the day ahead. It would get easier she was sure.

XXXXX

Cameron was buzzing from the adrenaline rush of the ED. He had been there a mere four hours and he’d seen patients with DKA, acute sepsis, a stroke and everything between. He was hoping at some point to go up to the minor trauma unit to observe. He knew Morven was there today, helping to get it up and running, it was probably busy but he had an hour to kill over lunch so he decided to go up and see her.

They’d gone for dinner over the weekend and it had gone really well. They got on, she had a brilliant sense of humour and a lovely smile, her eyes crinkling as she tilted her head to one side. He was taking it slow, going at her pace as he didn’t want to pressure her into anything. He knew she was struggling with her emotions over Arthur.

He didn’t mind that the night had ended with a long embrace and a delicate kiss planted on his cheek. He laughed to himself, he’d got a reputation as being a bit of a Casanova, but with Morven it felt different. He couldn’t put his finger on it but he wanted to get to know her, do small gestures that would bring a smile to her face.

He was greeted on the ward by a brunette woman, about the same age as his mother. She looked like she was in charge, an official no nonsense air about her that demanded respect. He thought back to what Morven had told him about her colleagues, trying to drag a name from his memory. Ms Campbell, that was it.

“I’m sorry, visiting time doesn’t start for another forty minutes. Patients can't be disturbed during meal times," she said curtly, clearly annoyed at being disturbed herself.

"I'm not, uh, here to see a patient. Is Morven, I mean, Dr Digby around?" Her expression softened but there was something else there. She was almost scrutinising him, but with a mixture of fear and realisation.

"Ah, of course, sorry. She's changing a catheter then it's her lunch break. Would you like to wait in the staffroom? I'll let her know you're here."

She spoke with a familiarity that Cameron found rather odd. He hadn't specifically said who he was, but she seemed to know. Morven had said they were a close team, perhaps she had mentioned he might be around the hospital. He thanked her and settled down on the sofa, checking his phone. A text from Charlotte flashed onto the screen.

**Are you free tonight? Can you meet me and mum, I want to talk but I'd like you there? :)**

He knew Charlotte had broken her silence towards Bernie, she'd been upset but she hadn't told him why. He texted back, agreeing to meet later and looked around the room, imagining himself here as an actual doctor. He was glad he had decided to return to do his final year at medical school. Though he’d never admit to Bernie that she’d been right and medicine was the career for him.

On the seat next to him was a folded piece of paper, a typical doctor’s messy handwriting covering it. He picked it up absentmindedly and had to do a double take as he read the first line. He doubted there were many other Bernie Wolfes in the area; he glanced down further and raised his eyebrows – especially not any that had been in the army. He frowned, who on earth could potentially be dating his mother? He knew that Charlotte had pushed her into admitting her feelings for the mystery lady she’d been too scared to talk to, but Bernie still hadn’t mentioned a name.

It struck him suddenly, an amusing story Morven had told him a few weeks ago about how she had set up Ms Campbell, on a blind date with a woman, a doctor at St James. Could it have been Bernie? They were a similar age and from what he’d heard about Serena they seemed like they might suit, complement each other.

At this point, Morven walked into the room, a bright smile on her face and he dropped the paper back on the chair before jumping up to give her a brief hug.

“How’s your day going? Do you have time to grab lunch at Pulse’s? My treat.”

She sighed wearily, “That would be nice, I’ve had a busy morning. Um, would you…I mean, no pressure or anything, but the team have all been asking about you, would you like to meet them?”

She looked a little nervous, but he nodded and squeezed her hand reassuringly. He followed her onto the ward, where Ms Campbell and two dark haired men were stood at the nurses’ station discussing an X ray. Morven cleared her throat and introduced Cam, a small smile on her face as she said they were dating.

Serena smiled warmly. “It’s lovely to finally meet you, we’ve heard a lot about you.”

Raf introduced himself, a strong handshake and welcoming him to ‘the madhouse’.

“Fletch, nice to meet you,” the nurse spoke with a Cockney accent and shook his hand. “And to think only last week AAU was a sex free zone. Now over one weekend two of our doctors are getting into relationships!”

Cameron didn’t miss the glare Fletch received from Serena. _Interesting._ He decided to play innocent.

“Oh, who’s the other one?”

“Ms Campbell here, she’s been dancing around her feelings for a blonde job,”

“Yes, _thank you_ , Fletch,” Serena interrupted, “Shall we let these two get some lunch?”

Surely, it was too much of a coincidence?

“Of course, sorry boss. Hey, will you two be joining us at Albie’s later, you know, celebrate getting the trauma unit up and running?”

Morven looked at Cam, shrugging. “I will be, what about you? It’ll be a good way to celebrate your first day on placement?”

He was about to say no, as he was going out with Bernie and Charlotte, but an idea popped into his head.

“Sure, but I can’t stay long.” As if on cue, his phone buzzed, Charlotte confirming they would meet at 7. He smiled and quickly typed back.

**Can you and Mum meet me at Albie’s, bar near the hospital. Got a bus this morning and I need a lift. See you then?**

Morven looked at him questioningly and he apologised. “Sorry, my sister, I’m meeting her later. It was nice to meet you all, I’ll see you in Albie’s!”

They left the ward together to get lunch, Cameron hovering close to her, but not wanting to show too much affection in public.

“He seems great, don’t you think?” said Raf, but he didn’t get a response. Fletch had taken a call from the ward phone, and Serena was staring after the two of them, thoughtful. She was about to text Bernie but Fletch announced there would be a patient coming in from a horse riding incident and she had to get on.

XXXXX

Serena settled down into the booth at Albie’s with the rest of the AAU team, and Cameron. She had barely stopped all afternoon and she had forgotten that he would be joining them. She tried to surreptitiously look at him. He had Bernie’s dark eyes and long nose, although he was more of an extrovert than his mother, chatting and joking with Raf and Fletch as if he’d been working with them for years.

She wasn’t sure what to say to him, it was a rather odd situation and she didn’t feel entirely comfortable, afraid she might reveal her relationship with Bernie accidentally. Morven could tell she was distracted and asked if she was okay.

“Yes, yes fine. Long day, that’s all,” she sipped her wine, trying to focus on the conversation once more. The bar was fairly quiet, it was a Monday after all, with just a few other staff from the hospital dotted around. The door opened and Serena instinctively looked up, not quite sure why she had noticed that someone had come in.

She felt herself break into a wide smile when she saw the familiar mess of hair, black skinny jeans and Chelsea boots. She registered the young woman that had followed her into the bar, although her eyes kept flicking back to Bernie. She was tall, similar height to Bernie, long blonde hair that fell naturally wavy, but in a slightly more organised fashion. Thin lips and a smattering of freckles over her nose, there was no doubt this was Charlotte.

The initial surge of joy that had overcome Serena’s heart was replaced with a mild anxiety. What were they doing here? She hadn’t heard from Bernie all day, not wanting to disturb her after her night shifts. She knew that Charlotte had only just reached out to Bernie, and the relationship between them was tentative, both testing the water, finding how they fit into each other’s lives.

Bernie’s eyes found Serena’s first, before anyone else. The anxiety and tension that she was holding onto faded into insignificance and she felt calm. She could face the evening with the kids, the inevitable tugging on heartstrings would be nothing now she had seen Serena. Charlotte coughed slightly behind her and she was brought back into the moment. She noticed Cam sitting in the booth, an amused and slightly smug expression on his face.

“I believe you need to introduce us to someone, don’t you Mum?” he asked, looking between Bernie and Serena, who suddenly seemed to be studying the bottom of her glass carefully, not daring to meet Bernie’s eyes.

“How? Have you two – What’s – Why are you?” Bernie was lost for words. She had assumed when Cam had asked to be picked up from Albie’s that he was going with the staff from the ED, where he was doing his placement. Although she had hoped Serena would also be in the bar, she never expected them to be sat at the same table. Then it dawned on her, he had gone with Morven. She knew he’d taken her out for dinner that weekend, and that it had gone well.

She looked at Cam, he had obviously been told, or worked out, who Serena was to Bernie, but Charlotte’s reaction surprised her. She moved forwards towards the booth and reached out a hand to Serena.

“Hi, I’m Charlotte. It’s nice to meet you, even if Mum hasn’t told me your name yet,” she turned back to Bernie, [flicking her hair](http://68.media.tumblr.com/7869e6e2de8f2e46cdd6a7920e18dbaa/tumblr_inline_onk74yT1Px1sguou0_400.gif) over her shoulder and giving her a pointed look.

“It’s Serena, um, it’s lovely to meet you too,” she glanced at Bernie, who had just about recovered from the unexpected introductions and had a small, apologetic smile on her lips.

“Cam says he’s never seen Mum as happy as she has been recently. Even I can see the difference in her since I last spoke to her,” Charlotte paused, looking sheepish and Bernie gave her a small pat on the arm. “But I’m glad. You probably think I’m a cow, for ignoring Mum and everything. I’ve got no excuses, but please don’t think I have any problem with you and Mum being together.”

Bernie’s breath caught, she felt close to tears. Although Charlotte had encouraged her to admit her feelings, she had still been slightly nervous of her reaction. She hadn’t planned on introducing Serena so soon, wanting to start repairing their relationship first, but this was more than she could have hoped for. Serena smiled, soft and reassuring.

“Thank you, Charlotte. I never thought that, but I’m looking forward to getting to know you,” she turned to Cameron. “Both of you.”

Cameron nodded and stood up. “Likewise, although I should apologise for forcing this meet up. I was testing a theory, after meeting you today.” He flashed a grin that Serena realised was common to Bernie and both her children. A Wolfe trait, despite being sheepish.

Morven also stood, to say good bye to Cam, and Serena used the opportunity to go over to Bernie. She planted a brief, chaste kiss on her lips, not wanting to embarrass her, or the kids. Bernie hummed, content, and linked her fingers with Serena’s.

“We’d better be going, we’ve got a reservation. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Don’t stay up too late, and order by the glass,” Serena smirked, reminding Bernie of the night they went for dinner and had several bottles, ending with Serena falling asleep in the taxi, resting against Bernie’s shoulder.

“Don’t worry, I’m still fairly exhausted after last night. I couldn’t sleep properly today.” Bernie yawned, as if on cue. Charlotte grimaced and rolled her eyes.

“Mum, your children are here. We don’t want to know that.”

Serena laughed at Bernie’s puzzled expression, the realisation dawning on her.

“No, no, I was at work! Not – we weren’t – urgh, come on you two, let’s go.” She looked a little flustered and wouldn’t meet anyone’s gaze. She started to follow her children to the door, but Serena pulled her back, unable to let her go. The kiss was deeper, a need between them both to be close. If she considered it, she would think it was strange, that they had been friends for so long without this need, but once that door had opened between them the flood of emotion crashed through, preventing it from ever being closed again.

This farewell earned a wolf whistle from Fletch, causing the two of them to break apart, remembering where they were and who they were with. Serena rubbed a thumb over Bernie’s knuckles then let her go, no words needed.

XXXXX

The meal was going well, Bernie felt. They were mostly engaging in small talk, Charlotte’s university course, Cam’s day in the ED and a little bit about Morven and Serena. Charlotte and Cameron shared knowing looks when Bernie talked about her. They could see the change in Bernie, she was relaxed, laughing freely and her eyes sparkled at every mention.

It hadn’t been like that with their dad, not really. They had been affectionate, loving towards one another but it had started to feel forced, and then stopped altogether. The arguments had started around the same time, Bernie withdrawing from Marcus, seeming on edge around him. When they had all nearly finished eating, Charlotte turned the conversation in the direction it needed to go in.

“Mum, I really am sorry, you know.”

Bernie paused, putting her fork down to reach across the table for her daughter’s hand. Charlotte seemed surprised by this tactility, her mother had never been the sort for emotional comfort, a woman of action when faced with a problem.

“I know, Charlotte. You had every right to be angry at me and you don’t need to apologise. It was my fault, I turned you two away from me,”

“Don’t beat yourself up about it, Mum. It isn’t your fault, I know that now. Dad said you deserved it, the divorce, us writing those statements, but you didn’t. Not at all.”

Bernie looked at her, confused about where all this was coming from.

“What’s happened, with you and your dad? You said on the phone you’d argued,” she trailed off, not wanting to force Charlotte into talking.

Charlotte wasn’t sure where to begin. She hadn’t told Cameron this either, but he needed to hear it, and it was easier to say it once, with both of them there. She took a deep breath, this would almost certainly end in tears.

“On Wednesday, I was out with Ethan, my boyfriend. Well, ex-boyfriend.” Bernie’s eyebrows furrowed, unsure of where this was heading. She glanced at Cam, judging by his face he knew about Ethan and was relieved he was no longer on the scene. “We were at a club, in town. He was pretty drunk and he kept dancing, and putting his hands all over other girls. He knew I was there, but he just carried on.”

Cameron was glowering, protective of his little sister, but he said nothing.

“I got him to come outside, told him we were done. He’s been like it before, and was always apologetic and said he’d changed. I’d had enough, so I left. I started to walk home but he followed me. He grabbed my wrist, started apologising again. He said it wasn’t his fault, that because I hadn’t wanted to….” She was embarrassed, she didn’t want to say this in front of her brother, and wasn’t sure how Bernie would react. She decided to get it over with, the words tumbling out of her mouth.

“We’d only been going out a few months, I didn’t feel ready to sleep with him. He’d said he was fine with it, but then last week he told me that he was frustrated.” Both Bernie’s and Cameron’s hands were white, clenched into tight fists. There was anger in their eyes, but Charlotte could see something else in Bernie’s. Sympathy, maybe, or more like reminiscence, identifying with Charlotte.

“He pushed me, a couple of times, saying he was glad I’d ended it and he tried to shove me against a wall, but I slipped away from him. He was drunk and just went back to the club. I called Dad, because I didn’t want to walk home and I didn’t have enough money for a taxi. He picked me up, but I could tell he was really angry. I’d woken him up, and he thought I was drunk, but I wasn’t. I told him what had happened and, I don’t know, something changed about him. He laughed.”

At this Bernie bit her lip and took a deep breath in to calm herself. Cameron almost growled, he was seething. Charlotte’s voice was barely audible, and she was close to tears.

“He said I should expect it, if I was being frigid. That guys won’t put up with girls who don’t give them what they want. Then he said it was a wonder he stayed with you for so long, because you were like that. He sneered at me and said,” Tears were running down her face by now, but she carried on. She couldn’t stop, or she’d never say it. “Said maybe I was a, a, oh I can’t say it. Maybe I was gay like you, that you deserved it too.”

The waiter came over to clear their plates, diffusing the heavy tension that had built up. Bernie paid, the three of them in silence, knowing they should go somewhere more private for the rest of this conversation.

“Do you both want to come back to mine? I’ll take you back home later, or, you can stay. I’ve got a spare bed, and I can sleep on the sofa.”

They both nodded and followed her out to the car, thanking the waiter on their way. The journey back to Bernie’s flat was short and quiet, each of them mulling things over. Charlotte looked around the flat, glancing at the photos of them on the side. Bernie made them all tea and sat down on the armchair, Charlotte and Cam taking the sofa.

“What did you say to your dad, after that?” Bernie wanted to get it all out in the open.

“That it wouldn’t be such a bad thing, seeing as most men are jerks,” she chuckled as Cam protested, although she knew he was far from perfect. “I said most! Anyway, I said that and he scoffed, saying men were only like that because they’d been forced to. He called you so many horrible things, mum, I couldn’t believe the way he was talking about you.”

“I can,” she said softly, causing Cam to look up at her with concern. Charlotte was staring at her intently, biting her bottom lip as if she was trying to keep the words from spilling out. She didn’t want to speak them out loud, to have the truth confirmed, because it made her feel guiltier. She knew now she had picked the wrong side in the divorce.

“He hurt you, didn’t he?” Bernie nodded, staring at the drink in her hand. She’d said it once, Serena had made her stronger and she could tell her children. There was nothing to be done now, it was over and she had to be honest with them.

“Sometimes, only towards the end. How did you know?”

Charlotte had always been the perceptive one, knowing when something wasn’t right, even when she was a small child. Bernie hadn’t told anyone, but her daughter who hadn’t spoken to her for months, and had been distant for years before that, had picked up on it.

“Mainly from the way he was talking, it made sense with how you sometimes acted around him. Why didn’t you say? When the divorce happened? You could have got more, saved your face.”

“I didn’t want people to know, and the divorce was because I was coming to terms with myself. He understood, at first, and was happy to go through amicably. We both knew deep down we weren’t making each other happy. Then he found out about Alex, and things turned nasty. But I was in the wrong, and if I’d said something he probably would’ve twisted it, made me look like an even bigger liar. It was easier not to. I didn’t want to manipulate you either. It might seem as though I was using the same tactics. I wanted to protect you.”

She stood, simultaneously with Charlotte, who rushed over and enveloped her into a hug. Cam joined them and they stood for a few moments, no one having the right words to say.

“Does anyone else know, Mum? Have you talked to someone?” Cam broke the silence, knowing that Bernie was good at bottling her emotions. She nodded and smiled.

“Serena,” was all she said, but it was enough. They both hugged Bernie again, wanting to show her how sorry they were, that they hadn’t known, that they’d made the statements, for everything. It didn’t matter to Bernie, though. Not anymore. All she cared about was her children being happy, knowing she loved them and would do anything for them.

She offered to sleep on the sofa, but Cameron was having none of it, lightly joking about her age and her back. So, she tucked herself into her bed, Charlotte in the spare room and Cameron under a pile of blankets. She checked her phone for the first time all evening, a text from Serena on the screen.

**Hope everything goes well. You don’t need to reply, but give me a call if you want to talk, no matter how late it is. Xx**

She sighed, she didn’t need to call Serena, but she knew she’d probably still be awake, so she texted to reassure her.

**Everything is fine, I’ll tell you tomorrow. Sweet dreams xx**

She set the alarm and turned over. The anxiety about seeing Charlotte had disappeared, replaced by some anger towards Marcus, but mainly an excitement for the next day, seeing what Serena had planned and moving forwards. Moving away from the past that had eaten away at her for so long.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have my muse back and I have quite big plans for their date. If it takes me a while to post it is not because I'm struggling to write it, it's because it's going to take a lot of research and i'm working a lot at the moment (isn't it a shame that sitting at home writing all day doesn't buy food!)


	16. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After months of friendship, Bernie and Serena go for a second first date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Sapphic Fluff Fest to follow
> 
> Thank you so much everyone that has commented so far, they make me so happy! Also, thank you Beezarre for helping with the idea for this date, for supplying me with music, for the pigeon name and your unending encouragement! You're the best!
> 
> This chapter has been a labour of love, I am rather pleased with how it's turned out, it has satisfied the massive music geek in me and I have exploded in fluff many times whilst writing it! I have made a [playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLArCl-d1lDV_ZvC8PNFTyZd8bGQfK2yQt) for the music played at the concert, but the specific songs have links in the text. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading as much as I have enjoyed writing.

_Don’t wear anything too dressy and bring a jacket._ Bernie stood in front of her open wardrobe running her hands through damp hair. What does one wear on a date with Serena Campbell? She thought back to the first time, all those months ago. She had gone straight from work, signature black jeans and a grey blouse because surgery had overrun and she hadn’t had time to go home and change. She briefly considered wearing them again, but it wasn’t right. That was what she wore all the time, when they were friends. She sighed and flicked through her wardrobe. Not a dress, she didn’t own many and they were for formal occasions. Definitely too dressy.

She sat on the bed, staring at her clothes. She was well overdue a shopping trip: apart from some new work shoes, she still had the same clothes as before she left the army. There was no time today, the thought of trawling through shops filled her with dread. The door to her flat opened and Charlotte called out to her.

The two of them had stayed the night, Cam getting up early to go back into Holby. Charlotte had been in town meeting a few old school friends. Bernie had given her the spare key on her way out, telling her that she was always welcome, to stay or pop in for a chat. She hadn't been sure whether Charlotte would use it, their relationship was still tentative, but she had smiled and thanked her. It let Charlotte come to Bernie on her own terms.

“Charlotte, can you give me a hand?” She called back and her daughter put her head round the door. Her eyebrows raised when she saw Bernie in a towel, some clothes scattered on the floor. Bernie was used to the community of the army, never one to be shy about being around others like this. As long as everything was pretty much covered what was the difference? A body was a body, you got used to them in the army and in medicine, although she didn’t like to flaunt deliberately.

“I can’t decide what to wear,” she started and Charlotte smiled dryly.

“Some clothes perhaps?” Bernie glanced at her in confusion, before realising.

“Oh sorry, but, you know what I mean. For tonight? Could you help me choose?”

Charlotte stood at the wardrobe with her hands on her hips, lips pursed at the small collection before her. “You seriously need some more clothes, Mum.”

“I don’t exactly have a lot of room to store them, anyway we’ve not got time to shop, let’s work with what we’ve got.”

“What time is Serena coming over?” Charlotte asked, as she started sorting through the clothes.

“Six. I was thinking maybe those navy chinos? They’re a bit nicer than my jeans.”

“Yeah, definitely. Hang on, six? It’s three! Why on earth are you getting ready now?”

They’d always been late, as a family. Bernie had a special skill for leaving everything until the last minute, then suddenly being ready right on time. Marcus’ and Cameron’s time keeping abilities weren’t quite as good, meaning everything happened in a panicked rush. The fact that Bernie was preparing three hours in advance made Charlotte chuckle.

“I’m a bit nervous, and housework wasn’t taking my mind off it.” Bernie smirked, knowing how ridiculous she sounded.

“You shouldn’t be, she obviously likes you. What top were you thinking?” She handed Bernie the trousers she’d picked.

“I don’t know, maybe that white blouse?” It was a fitted blouse, off white satin material. Charlotte shook her head immediately.

“I’m sure you’d look amazing in it, but you’re going to be spending most of the evening staring at Serena, and you’ll drop food on it. Bit of a mood killer, I speak from experience.” The mood shifted slightly, Bernie aware that although this felt easy, there was a lot she didn’t know about Charlotte, who had been distant with her throughout her teenage years, even more so since the divorce. After a slight pause, both looking down and lost in thought, Bernie broke the silence.

“Right, no white. But I want something a bit different to what I normally wear, you know. Make it a bit more special than two friends going for a meal.” Charlotte nodded.

“Where are you going?” She asked, shifting through Bernie’s tops.

“I don’t know, Serena said to bring a jacket. I presume it’ll be outside, but other than that I have no idea. Do you think I should take something for her? Flowers or wine?” Charlotte chuckled at her mum’s fretting. Normally cool headed and practical, Serena had sent her into a spin. “I don’t know what her favourite flowers are, but maybe I’ll get her a shiraz.”

“And how about this top to match?” Charlotte grinned, holding out a wine-coloured wrap top that Bernie had completely forgotten she owned. The material crossed over at the front, leaving a low V neck. She considered it for a moment, rubbing at the scar on her chest. It had started to fade, but was still visible and she tended not to wear things that revealed it. It wasn’t that she didn’t like it, or thought it was ugly - the surgeons had done a lovely job on it - but it was a reminder of her life before. She didn’t want people to stare, to wonder what had happened, because sometimes people’s eyes caused it to burn and sting far more than it had after the operation.

She hoped today would mark the start of the second part of her life, one built on what had gone before, learning to live without shame or regrets. She could finally accept the fulfilment, the love, because she did love Serena, and allow it to fill her heart without fear of what could go wrong.

Charlotte could see Bernie had drifted into her own thoughts, could guess that she was thinking about Serena by the small smile flickering across her lips. She pushed the top towards her, bringing her back into the room.

“Try it, see what you think. You really like her, don’t you?” Bernie’s eyes met Charlotte’s, she smiled and sighed.

“I more than like her. I- I love her.” Concern flashed across her face; she didn't want Charlotte to take it the wrong way. “I did love your dad, you know. It wasn’t like this though. I thought it was enough, didn’t know any better. I don’t wish it had happened differently, but this is so much more.”

She reached out to take Charlotte’s hand. “I wouldn’t change my life for the world, because I wouldn’t have you and Cam. I’m glad that I have a future with you two in it, and Serena, hopefully.”

Charlotte patted her hand and chuckled. “I'm sure you don’t need me to prompt you, but tell her. You’ve both waited and you deserve it, Mum. Thank you for letting me stay. I’ll go back to Dad’s tonight.”

“You can stay longer, but there’s not a lot of food in. I’ve been busy with nights and the funeral.”

“Thanks, Mum, but I’d rather not be around if you end up bringing Serena back here. I might take you up on the offer a bit later though, depending on what Dad’s like? He apologised for what he said, but I’m still annoyed with him.”

She sat down next to Bernie and handed her the top. Bernie nodded and took it off her.

“Of course, love. Thank you for helping. Now, what to do with my hair?” Charlotte gave her a dry smile.

“Maybe brush it?” She smirked and dodged Bernie’s hand that had reached out to swot her. “Seriously though, don’t go for anything too fancy. Serena already knows you, she likes you. You don’t need to change that for her.”

“I suppose not,” Bernie looked Charlotte in the eyes, scrutinising her with a furrowed brow. “How did I get such a wise daughter?”

XXXXX

Six came around quickly, and Serena was right on time. Bernie paired the outfit with nude kitten heels and slung her pink coat over her arm. Grabbing her bag and the shiraz, she hurried down the stairs of the building when Serena’s car pulled in to the car park. Not that she had been watching for her, of course.

She paused at the door of the building, stilled by the sight of Serena stood by her car. She was wearing a scoop-neck 50s swing style dress, shaped at the waist to highlight her curves. It was leopard print with a wide black neckline, drawing Bernie’s eyes away from her face. She felt underdressed, wondering where Serena was planning on taking her. She realised she was staring, there was a smirk on Serena’s face. She half jogged to close the gap between them, a deep kiss and warm embrace followed. She would never get tired of that greeting, she mused.

“You look amazing, Serena,” she murmured against her lips, feeling Serena’s smile. “I thought you said not too dressy.”

Serena laughed, running her hands around the waistband of Bernie’s trousers and pulling her in again, unwilling to break the kiss. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m surprised you own a pair of trousers that aren’t black jeans though,” she grinned mischievously as Bernie gasped in mock offence.

“You do look lovely, Bernie,” she said after a small pause. Bernie coloured at this, a shy smile on her lips that Serena couldn’t help but kiss. The door to the flats opened and Mr Kelly strode to his car, clearing his throat as he went. They broke apart, he was a curmudgeonly old man who wasn’t necessarily homophobic, Bernie had decided, rather a cynic who didn’t approve of enjoyment of any kind. The children in the flat below were terrified of him, although he kept to himself.

“Any clues as to where we’re going?” She asked as she presented the bottle of wine to Serena. “I wasn’t sure about flowers, so I decided to add to your extensive collection.”

Serena shook her head. “Thank you, although I’m sure this bottle won’t make it back to the collection. No clues though, Ms Wolfe.”

Bernie pouted but slipped into the passenger seat. She glanced in the back where several tartan blankets covered the seats. Serena caught her trying to look at what they hid and nudged her.

“I bet you’re terrible when it’s coming up to your birthday,” she chuckled. Bernie hummed in assent, she’d been away for the last few, including her 50th. Her colleagues had thrown her a surprise party, which involved a grey wig and a walking frame. She couldn’t remember much more than that.

“How was last night?” Serena enquired. Bernie told her about Charlotte’s argument with her boyfriend, and then Marcus. Serena’s knuckles whitened as she gripped the steering wheel in anger. Bernie reached over to soothe her, closing her eyes and revelling in the contact that she had ached for for so long.

“It took a lot for me to resist calling in a few favours from my former colleagues. But she’s handled it, and seems fine. I’ve told her she can stay at mine anytime, although she’ll be back at uni in a few weeks.”

She had wanted to confront Marcus for what he had said to Charlotte, but he would throw it back in her face, tell her she had no right to lecture him on parenting and Charlotte hadn’t wanted her to make a fuss. So, she tried to right things by offering Charlotte another source of care and support, another place to turn to, if she so wished.

“They’d both like to get to know you, Serena. Although I think Cam’s mainly angling for a job when he’s finished med school.”

Serena laughed. “You’re being a little presumptuous aren’t you Ms. Wolfe? This is only a first date after all.”

Her mischievous grin had returned and she raised an eyebrow at Bernie, whose cheeks flushed. “Sorry, I- I didn’t mean, I mean, I feel like this isn’t, you know, I,” she took a deep breath and tried to get her words into order before she said them.

“We’ve become such close friends, I know I like you Serena, and I want this, us, to last.”

Serena’s face softened. “I do too, Bernie. I was only joking, and I’d love to meet Cam and Charlotte again, properly. I’d like you to meet Elinor, once I’ve told her.”

She furrowed her brow, Bernie knew Serena wasn’t sure how her daughter would take the news. Bernie had been worried about telling her children about her sexuality, but that problem had been taken care of by Marcus, after her affair had been revealed.

“Whenever you’re ready, Serena. But I’d like that,” she paused, noticing a road sign. “Are we going to Tyntesfield?”

Serena was trying to keep a straight face, but struggled, the wide grin giving it away.

“Oh, I love it there. I’ve taken the kids so many times, walking round the grounds and the house. The chapel is beautiful, and we went on wildlife walks in the autumn. I didn’t realise it stayed open so late.”

Serena chuckled at the excitement that had lit up Bernie’s eyes. She obviously held some treasured memories, which was a bonus for Serena who had wanted the date to be special.

“The house doesn’t, you’ll see when we get there.” That was all she would say on the matter. Bernie spent the rest of the journey telling anecdotes of several visits to the Victorian House, including when Cameron had pinched an apple from a fruit bowl display.

“His face when he discovered that they were actually some sort of polystyrene! He was scraping his tongue for the next hour, it was so funny. It’s become a bit of a family joke now.”

Serena could watch Bernie like this all day; she had to remind herself to keep her eyes on the road. They turned into the grounds of Tyntesfield, the trees lining the drive were lit, giving a soft glow on the trunks, red and gold in comparison to the green leaves.

They pulled into the car park, as directed by a young woman, probably working there for the holidays. Serena directed Bernie to empty the boot, while she retrieved the blankets from the back. She opened the boot of the car and saw a large wicker basket and a small cool bag. She picked them up, then saw Serena was struggling with what appeared to be a deck chair. She helped her out, offering to carry the two cumbersome items and the blankets, while Serena took the hamper.

“What are we actually here to see?” She wondered aloud, evidently Serena had some sort of picnic planned. “And why deck chairs?”

“Ah, well, the deckchairs are because when I found my camping chairs in the garage I discovered a mouse had eaten through one, and the legs had rusted on the other so it didn’t open. I did consider briefly sitting on blankets all evening, but I’m not sure my back would hold out, let alone yours.”

She grinned as they followed other people out of the car park, most of whom were also carrying picnic baskets.

“We’re here for an open-air concert, fingers crossed it won’t rain. It’s called “Shakespeare in Music”, I remembered you telling me you loved studying Shakespeare at school, and it’s not instrumental jazz, but I thought it sounded rather…well…romantic.”  

If Bernie hadn’t been holding things, and in rather a public place, she’d have kissed Serena there and then. The fact that Serena recalled a conversation from many months ago, when their friendship was in the early stages, made her heart clench. They walked the rest of the way in a soft silence, soaking up the atmosphere of the old house and the parkland, a soft rustle of leaves in the summer breeze and the quiet strains of the orchestra tuning up. They found a spot, fairly close to the temporary stage that had been set up, facing at an angle so they could see the impressive towering architecture and admire the beauty.

They settled on the blanket at first, Serena pouring two glasses of Shiraz and handing one to Bernie who nestled against her. She sighed at the familiarity, at how natural it felt. She looked around, it was mainly couples, a few groups of friends. They’d been given a leaflet on the way in, which Bernie was now reading. A little about the history of the house and the programme of music for the evening.

Serena dropped a kiss onto the top of Bernie’s head, as the conductor took up her baton and the orchestra drew their instruments up ready. [The horns](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdW0f_m5c94&list=PLArCl-d1lDV_ZvC8PNFTyZd8bGQfK2yQt) and bassoons burst into life, the audience quietened by the music.

“Ah, A Midsummer Night’s Dream. You know, I played Titania in a school play. Apparently, my wild hair suited the part of a fairy queen,” she laughed. “Come, sit thee down upon this flowery bed, while I thy amiable cheeks do coy, and stick musk roses in thy sleek smooth head, and kiss thy fair large ears, my gentle joy.”

She turned and kissed Serena, stroking her cheek gently.

“Are you saying I have big ears?” Her eyes sparkled in merriment and Bernie moved her hand to caress the lobe.

“Not at all, they are lovely. I’m quite impressed I can still remember the lines, it was a while ago.”

Her stomach growled and her eyes flicked to the basket, then back to Serena. She opened the basket, which was packed with food.

“I would have made more myself, but some of us didn’t have the luxury of a whole day off to prepare, so Waitrose it is.”

Bernie didn’t care, Serena had put so much thought into the evening it almost overwhelmed her. The first piece finished, a few pizzicato notes and the last chord hanging in the air, as if the leaves had captured the notes on the wind. Applause smattered across the audience and the conductor took a bow as they prepared for the next piece.

A narrator stood on the stage, welcoming them to the concert and marking the next piece with a quote:

_“Where should this music be? I’ th’ air or th’ earth?_  
It sounds no more, and sure, it waits upon  
Some god o’ th’ island. Sitting on a bank,  
Weeping again the king my father’s wrack,  
This music crept by me upon the waters,  
Allaying both their fury and my passion  
With its sweet air. Thence I have followed it,  
Or it hath drawn me rather. But ‘tis gone.  
No, it begins again.”

[A tumultuous start](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Y-S5yCncAs&list=PLArCl-d1lDV_ZvC8PNFTyZd8bGQfK2yQt&index=2) from the strings transported them both to a world of turmoil. Serena was glad she had found someone who shared such a love of music, Edward had never quite understood the visceral reaction pieces could elicit. Neither felt the need to say anything, lost in memories of when music had helped them in their grief, had calmed the waters just as Ferdinand had said in that quote.

They ate on the floor, but as the evening passed and the sun began to set a chill came through the air. They wrapped up in their coats as a singer walked on to the stage. [It was perfectly timed](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EoY9fuhOli0&index=5&list=PLArCl-d1lDV_ZvC8PNFTyZd8bGQfK2yQt), and beautifully sung, as the sun sank below the tree tops, bathing the old house in an ethereal glow.

As the evening grew cooler, Bernie’s back began to ache. Serena sensed she had become uncomfortable and pulled her up onto a chair. She shuffled her own closer and covered them both with a blanket, topping up their wine glasses.

[The next piece](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Od7gx3Dc-U&index=6&list=PLArCl-d1lDV_ZvC8PNFTyZd8bGQfK2yQt) was one of Serena’s favourites; she took Bernie’s hand and rested her head back, preparing for the story of the two star-crossed lovers to wash over her in musical form. She briefly wondered what Elinor might say, whether she would approve. She knew about Bernie, as Serena’s friend, but she was busy at university and didn’t show much interest in Serena’s life. She hoped her daughter would see how happy Bernie was making her. The conflict in the music reminded her of the clash of their personalities, over her drug use, boyfriends, school work. She didn’t want this to be another reason the two of them fell out.

[The love theme](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHvnMi9_9mM) swelled and cut through her thoughts, filling her heart with the soaring music. It was one that was easily recognisable, having been used in so many TV shows and films to depict the moment when two characters fell in love. It often portrayed it as a huge moment, sudden and striking, where both hearts beat in unison. Serena and Bernie had experienced it differently, a gradual build, slowly their hearts had intertwined, without either of them quite realising. Now, it felt like those perfect TV moments. She glanced at Bernie, and could see her own emotions reflected in those deep hazel eyes.

They leaned towards one another, lips meeting gently, then more forceful. They lingered as the music settled and Serena pulled back slightly, brushing her nose against Bernie’s. They both sighed, smiling at one another. There was a depth in Bernie’s eyes, as if she was about to say something, but whatever it was got lost as a pigeon swooped in, attracted by the crumbs they had left.

She reached into the bag beside her, pulling out a large Tupperware of strawberries. She balanced it on the blanket and opened it, picking one out and savouring the sweetness. She leant over and placed one between Bernie’s lips. The pigeon was still there, pecking at the ground, obviously unaware of its intrusion.

They continued, feeding each other the berries, Bernie being careful not to drop any, especially not on her pale coat.

“We should name him,” she gestured at the bird, which didn’t seem to be willing to move. The Tchaikovsky Overture finished and the stage filled with an entire chorus. [The tension built](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMbxBDIWOFs&list=PLArCl-d1lDV_ZvC8PNFTyZd8bGQfK2yQt&index=7) again with the next piece, which Bernie recognised as a song from Verdi’s Macbeth opera.

“Yorick,” Serena decided, prompted by the piece. The crash of instruments filled the air, startling a few in the audience, and also the pigeon which threw itself into the air with rather uncoordinated flaps of its wings. “Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well.”

A loud honk from Bernie caused a stir from the couple sat just in front of them, who glanced round, clearly disgruntled by the commotion. That didn’t help to suppress Bernie’s laughter and she ended up burying her head into Serena’s shoulder to try and stifle it. Once it had passed she stayed there, resting against the soft wool of Serena’s red coat. A few more strawberries were exchanged, and Serena offered her more wine. She shook her head, Serena wouldn’t be having any more and she didn’t need it. The few glasses she had already had warmed her, but Serena’s company and the music was enough, she didn’t want to be drunk.

She listened to the words of the baritone who had stepped out of the chorus. [A rather morbid song ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87-FZfla9ak&index=8&list=PLArCl-d1lDV_ZvC8PNFTyZd8bGQfK2yQt)on the face of it, if she remembered correctly it was about innocence and the pain of unrequited love. _“I am slain by a fair cruel maid.”_  She was glad she had been brave and told, well shown, Serena her feelings. She had dreamt of moments like these, scarcely daring to hope it may become reality.

She cuddled closer to Serena, gripping her hand with a greater force, as if trying to convince herself it was real. Serena responded, feeling Bernie’s need for some reassurance. The soloist took a bow, along with the pianist, and the orchestra picked up their instruments. The penultimate piece was announced, one that neither of them recognised.

“What time have you got to be at work tomorrow?” Bernie asked.

“Not until one, how about you?”

“Twelve, providing I don’t get called in earlier. Would you like to come back to mine?”

Was it only a fortnight ago she had been embarrassed by her flat, not wanting Serena to see it because it felt lifeless. It hadn’t changed much, but Bernie no longer thought about that. Deep down it would never be homely, had always been a temporary fix that turned permanent because of Bernie’s unwillingness to settle. Now it didn’t matter, because if Serena was there then the flat wouldn’t seem so lonely.

“I’d love to. Jason is going straight to work from Alan’s tomorrow anyway.”  

The chorus stood once more, the conductor poised and ready as a soprano took centre stage. [The night ended](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=au44fYnsguM&index=10&list=PLArCl-d1lDV_ZvC8PNFTyZd8bGQfK2yQt) on one of Shakespeare’s most famous sonnets. Despite the large number of people in the audience, there was silence, as if everyone were holding their breath. A simple declaration of love, easy to understand by the bard’s standards. The embodiment of love that will not die because the sonnet will last forever.

If there was a gap between her and Serena, it had surely disappeared by the end of the song. They were pressed together, captured by the words, the music, the beauty. The last phrase sung by the soprano carried through the air. Serena gave Bernie life, not that she had none before, but in hindsight it was grey and drab. Now there was radiance, a burst of colour, that filled her with joy.

There was silence, between the final notes of the song and the applause of the audience. The conductor held her baton high, the musicians kept their instruments still, allowing a reflection on the piece they had played.

Bernie stretched towards Serena, planting a light kiss on the angle of her jaw then murmuring the words she felt were about to burst from her.

“I love you, Serena.” She turned to look at Bernie, bringing their lips together. Bernie wanted to say it again and again, a small phrase which told so much, which declared her trust in Serena, her devotion, desire and commitment. Never had these words caused her heart to soar, and now she had felt that, she couldn’t stop.

“I love you too, Bernie.” They barely registered the applause filling the air, they were lost in one another, thankful they had found this connection, and been brave enough to act on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tyntesfield is a Victorian Gothic House near Bristol. It's rather lovely, and also has been the location for the filming of the Sherlock Christmas Special (The Abominable Bride) and a Doctor Who episode (Hide S7E9) 
> 
> The love theme from Tchaikovsky's Romeo and Juliet Overture is incredibly famous and has been used in shows like Spongebob. However, during research for this I discovered this snippet of information which I thought I should share with you all (and was inspiration for the scene): 
> 
> "Different variations of the overture's love theme were also played in the original The Sims video game, when two Sims successfully performed the "Kiss" interaction. How "powerful" the theme was depended on how compatible, or how in love, the interacting Sims were with each other."


	17. Dreams really can come true

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following their second first date, Bernie and Serena have lost time to be catching up with, and Serena works up to calling Elinor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *comes out of cave and blinks at the sun*  
> I can only apologise for how long this has taken. The last chapter really took it out of me with this story and I couldn't get into writing this chapter, so I focused on the prom AU, then Kate Stewart took my muse, then exams took over. I hope you all understand, but now exams are DONE and I don't have any more until July 2019 and I could not be happier.
> 
> Thank you to Beezarre for occasionally prodding me and making sure I was still alive, and for reading over some bits and squealing excitedly. Thank you everyone who commented on the last chapter, and hey, as it's been so long since I updated, maybe read it again to refresh your memory of what happened, and get some sapphic fluff feels too :P 
> 
> Note the change of rating, I'm quite new to the mature writing so please excuse the vagueness/if it seems weird. It started to turn a bit like an anatomy class so i kind of changed it haha
> 
> Anyway enjoy!

The crowd around them started to disperse, the commotion and chatter disturbing their bubble. With a shy smile Bernie stood, helping to fold blankets and pack down chairs.

"Would...would you still like to come back?" She asked tentatively, not daring to presume. She felt lighter, especially when Serena had echoed her declaration. Serena sighed, almost exasperated.

"Of course I would," her voice was soft, but there was a hint in the way she emphasised it. Bernie felt her stomach twist in anticipation. Inviting Serena into her home, well, flat - it wasn't exactly a home – was new. She shouldn't be nervous, but still the butterflies flitted around.

At the car, she helped Serena to load the boot. It seemed now they had each other's assurance, they didn't want to miss a single moment. Serena leaned in and brushed her lips against Bernie's, lingering as she murmured 'thank you' against them.

Before she had chance to say anything, the car park attendant announced, rather pointedly, they only had 5 minutes before the gates shut. Both of them blushed and ducked into the car. Once they were on the move they both burst into giggles.

"I felt like a couple of school girls!" Bernie exclaimed.

"The embarrassing thing is she probably is a school girl!" Serena said. "She can't have been much older than 20."

She started the car, glancing at Bernie who was still laughing.

“I can’t imagine you ever getting caught behind the bike sheds, Ms Wolfe,”

“Ah, well, appearances can be deceiving,” she grinned. “I’ll have you know that Samuel King and I spent a week in detention for inappropriate behaviour. Although it wasn’t the bike sheds, it was the locker room.”

Serena gasped, “Inappropriate behaviour? You do surprise me!”

“Oh, no, no! Nothing like that, just kissing. But in a strict Catholic school it is very much not allowed.”

She huffed in amusement, it all seemed so trivial now but she’d been mortified at the time.

“Although, I remember I was rather glad of the interruption. Too much stubble...”

Serena snorted in laughter and then paused for a moment, staring at the road ahead with a question on her lips.

“Did you…did you know? Back then, that you were gay?”

Bernie stilled, pondering the question. Her initial instinct was to clam up, having been brought up thinking it was wrong, and not talking about her feelings. Serena sensed the slight tension and reached over to squeeze her hand.

“Sorry, not really the right topic of conversation for a first date is it?”

But Bernie smiled back and let the tension fall from her shoulders. She didn’t know if it was the alcohol, the music, or Serena’s presence, or a combination of all three, but she found she _wanted_ to talk about it.

“It’s fine, I’d like to tell you,” she glanced down at where their hands lay entwined on her lap. “You’re the first person I’ve talked to about it, that’s all. Feels a bit weird.”

She let the silence hang in the air, comfortable to pause and gather the words into some sort of order.

“I guess I always noticed girls, but didn’t get it at the time. And I could see when guys were attractive, conventionally. My friends would have posters of actors and singers, and I went along with it because that’s what I thought it was meant to feel like. I could appraise them, and see that they were fit, had nice hair, whatever. But I never desired them, not really. Anyway, we were told that sex was sinful before marriage, and homosexuality was unnatural so it never occurred to me.”

She thought back to her school days. She’d been focussed on getting into medicine, being top of the class and keeping active to join the army.

“When Sam asked me out, I was surprised. But all my friends said I should go for it, because he was one of the most popular boys in school and so I did. We went on a few dates, we kissed. It never felt right though, I thought I wasn’t ready for anything else and I knew people were jealous. I broke it off, he called me a frigid bitch, his friends laughed at me then he moved on. Typical school romance really.”

“But you think now that it was because _he_ wasn’t right?”

She nodded, “I guess I never really admitted it to myself, not because I was ashamed but because I’d never actually met a girl who I found attractive. Then at university I was at a house party, playing spin the bottle, or dares or something. Anyway, I ended up having to kiss this girl, I can’t even remember her name.”

She couldn’t bring her face to her mind, Bernie had gone with a friend who was trying to hook up with one of the hosts. Safe to say her friend had succeeded and left Bernie with several people whom she had never met.

“All I remember is how nice it was. Although I put it down to the alcohol at the time, but I never stopped thinking about it. But it felt wrong, I was too ashamed to admit it, and Marcus and I were friends until one day we woke up in the same bed and…”

“The rest is history?” Serena saw the exhaustion behind Bernie’s eyes, as if the words and memories were dragging her down so she changed the topic. She knew the rest, and they were nearing Holby.

Bernie hummed in agreement and looked out at the city lights. A sudden apprehension settled in her stomach at what would happen next. Her mind, as it always did in these situations, started racing with questions and worst-case scenarios.

_What if Serena doesn’t want to? What if she doesn’t enjoy it? Will we be compatible? She’s going to think I’m some sort of expert. Maybe it will be a disappointment, she’ll realise that she wants to be friends, nothing more._

She could feel the heat rushing to her cheeks. She wanted Serena, and now she’d tasted what being with her was like, she never wanted to go back. She was terrified of ruining what they had, what they could be.

“What’s on your mind?” Serena’s soft voice cut through the foggy panic threatening at the edge of her thoughts.

“Oh, nothing,” she smiled at Serena, who narrowed her eyes.

“Bernie, I can see you’re worried about something. Tell me?”

She sighed, somehow her poker face always let her down when she was around Serena. Either that or Serena was very perceptive.

“I- I-,” she started, not sure how to express her thoughts. “I’m a bit nervous, that’s all. About when we get back. I’m not, you know, I haven’t…”

She trailed off and sighed, exasperated. Why did she have to be so bloody British when it came to talking about sex? _Come on Wolfe, get yourself together._

“Alex is the only woman I’ve slept with, and that was in rather… different circumstances. I don’t want to disappoint you, or make you uncomfortable. If you don’t-”

“Listen,” Serena cut her off, for which Bernie was grateful. “I’m a bit nervous too. It’ll be different, new partner, it might take a bit of getting used to. But it’s you, Bernie. I know that I want you, the rest we’ll work out, together. That feeling, when we first kissed, I’ve never had before. It was right, and this will be too.”

Bernie nodded, Serena had put it into words. They did feel right together. From the start, when they’d met in the bar, there was something. A pull, which had made a very awkward situation diffuse and they’d clicked. They’d talked for hours, like old friends. The little touches and smiles that Serena gave out freely had made her fizz with electricity, unlike anyone she’d ever met. The walls she’d built around her heart, to prevent her from hurting anyone else, had slowly crumbled.

“And besides, even if it’s not mind-blowing the first time, I’m sure I can get some practice,” she glanced at Bernie through the corner of her eyes, lips twitching in amusement. Bernie felt at ease, and bolstered by the reassurances, decided to retort.

“And who would that practice be with, might I ask?”

Serena chuckled, playing along.

“Well, I’m sure I can turn on the charm with one of the nurses at Holby,”

“Oh, doctor and nurse, that’s a bit cliché isn’t it? And besides, the gossip about you would be terrible.”

“What would you suggest then, Ms Wolfe,” Serena lowered her voice for the last part, sending shudders down Bernie’s spine.

“Someone outside of work, definitely. Another surgeon, good with their hands,” she bit back a laugh. This sort of flirting felt alien to her, she was used to it in the army when it was empty, used to relieve the tension and inject humour into a world that could often feel bleak. She’d never thought she was much good at it in a more romantic setting, but Serena was a natural and it made it so much easier.

“An equal, to match you in everything.” She winked and noticed Serena bite down on her lower lip.

“I might have someone in mind,” Serena shot her a smug glance. “I’ve heard some of the surgeons at St James’ are rather attractive.”

“Oh yes? Any in particular?” She tried to regulate her breathing, force her voice to be more than a whisper.

“Fishing for compliments, are we Ms Wolfe?” Again the sound of her name caught her breath. Her earlier fears were quashed and she merely flashed Serena her signature half-smile.

“Well, there’s a tall, blonde army surgeon. Strong and silent type, I’ve been told,” she paused as they pulled up onto the car park of Bernie’s flat. “I think I might be able to make her talk.”

She wasn’t entirely sure how, but Bernie managed to get out of the car and up to her flat, Serena’s hand linked in hers. She fumbled with the keys and pulled her through the door. Nothing mattered anymore: the state of her flat, the nerves, she couldn’t focus on a thought other than Serena. To taste her, feel her, show her everything she couldn’t say, care for – no – _love_ her.

She tried to ask a question, wanting to be a good host, offer a drink, but Serena caught the words with her lips. She seemed intent on showing Bernie that this was exactly what she wanted, that she trusted Bernie.

Serena brought her hands up to Bernie’s neck, tracing down to the hollow at the top of her sternum. Her fingers traced downwards, over her sternal angle where her scar started. Bernie’s intake of breath stopped her, the skin was still a little sensitive there.

“Sorry,” Serena whispered, breaking away to look deep into Bernie’s eyes and assess how much pain it had caused.

Bernie shook her head, “It’s fine, it surprised me that’s all. No one’s touched it since it healed. Marcus didn’t…”

She trailed off, she wouldn’t ruin the moment talking about him. They’d slept together after her return, but it had been impersonal and he hadn’t seemed bothered about making her feel good, he never had paid much attention to the scars littering her body. They reminded him of the army, the thing he felt she loved more than him.

Serena caressed her cheek softly. “Bernie, I meant what I said on Friday. If there’s anything you’re uncomfortable with, if you want to stop, tell me. Promise?”

Bernie nodded, although she was sure it wouldn’t happen. Everything was different with Serena and yet it all made sense.

“I promise,” she managed to croak. “And the same goes for you.”

Serena’s nod was all she needed to pull her out of the hallway and into the bedroom. Their coats and bags got discarded somewhere along the way, both lost in each other, wanting to make the most of every moment since it had taken them so long to realise and admit their feelings.

She felt Serena’s hands at her waist, untucking the burgundy top and the air on the small of her back made her shiver. The goose bumps weren’t helped by the touch of Serena’s fingers, working the fabric up. She returned the favour, fumbling at the zip on the back of Serena’s dress.

“Beautiful,” she murmured, seeing the black lace bra contrasted against her pale torso. Serena blushed a bit and Bernie stroked her cheek. “You are so beautiful. Especially now.”

She guided Serena towards the bed, helping her to step out of her dress. Before she could say anything else, Serena had pushed her back, a gleam in her eye as she peeled Bernie’s trousers off her legs.

“Do you spray these on in the morning or something?” she chuckled as they were finally discarded on the floor. “I guess that’s why you never have time to brush your hair.”

Bernie hummed, not able to think of a retort as Serena was working her way back up, peppering a trail of kisses until finally their lips met once more. Her skin tingled with heat, the tension building up and her heart rate quickening. She could tell that Serena’s desire matched her own and she pressed ever closer, as much contact between them as possible.

Serena could barely think, let alone talk. Bernie was everywhere: her lips and taste of wine on Serena’s tongue, her scent, the sound of her breathy moans between kisses filling her ears. She was half aware of her own hands unfastening Bernie’s bra with a subconscious need to remove the fabric between them.

It was a new sensation, softer skin and more curves against her own, but it worked. There was no other way of describing it, at least not in that moment. Later a thousand words would come to mind – _fantastic, glorious, wonderful_ – but for now her senses took over, screaming at her that this was right, better than right. She could feel the energy, that spark that had been there since they’d met, it was electric as Bernie’s hands touched light as feather, then more pressure. Here, there, Serena couldn’t keep track.

Bernie seemed intent on not leaving an inch of skin untouched – by hands or lips. Serena could feel her warm breath and the vibrations of her voice as she pressed hundreds of adorations and devotions. She might have said she wasn’t good with words or emotions, but in that moment, Serena could see everything of Bernie. Her heat swelled as she thought of her, defences down.

She was about to say something, but Bernie had reached the apex of her thighs and her thoughts vanished once again. The first touch made her gasp, the second brought her hands to her sides, gripping the sheets as she uttered Bernie’s name. She looked up, a question in her eyes and a nod of reassurance for them both.

She knew what she liked, she’d been single long enough and had often had to finish off after Edward had had his fun and collapsed down onto the bed next to her. Bernie seemed to know – _a woman’s intuition perhaps? –_ setting the pace and bringing Serena closer and closer. _Yes, Bernie, yes, oh please, Bernie, God yes._ Had she said it out loud? She hardly cared as she felt herself tipping over the edge.

She tangled her fingers through Bernie’s hair, focussing on the touch, the feel of their bodies pressed together, of Bernie’s strong arm wrapping around her as she came apart, Bernie’s name on her lips.

Bernie watched Serena, head back exposing her neck muscles, the rise and fall of her chest slowly evening out. Her eyes fluttered open and Bernie decided that was a sight she would never tire of seeing. She smiled, a little smugly, and kissed her gently on the lips.

“So, do you think you’ll be needing that practice with those lovely nurses at Holby?” she chuckled, tracing along the curve of her breast as Serena frowned.

“Oh, believe me there is only one person I want any practice with,” she paused to push Bernie onto her back. “And the night is still young.”

XXXXX

Serena was woken by the light filtering in through the voile blind. She blinked at it a few times, realising it must be early and they’d forgotten to close the proper curtains the previous night. They didn’t have to get up for a while and she smiled at the memories.

Bernie was pressed against her, hair strewn across her face and pillow. She tucked a few strands behind her ear so she could look at her face properly. Serena knew exactly how expressive Bernie could be, and she vowed to learn more about her stoic face, learn to read her.

She stirred, shifting slightly as her eyes slowly opened. A warm smile soon replaced the bleary confusion and she intertwined their fingers.

“Morning,” she murmured as her brain was still catching up. Serena couldn’t quite believe her luck. Getting to wake up next to Berenice Wolfe was a privilege she hoped she would never take for granted. She squinted at the clock, surprised that it was past nine. A lot later than she thought, she’d obviously slept well through the sunrise. Still, they had a few hours before Bernie had to go to work.

She leant down and kissed her tenderly. Bernie smiled and closed her eyes again, stilling for a moment, taking it in.

“Coffee?” she asked, remembering her duties as host and knowing that they both needed a morning caffeine hit before work.

“I thought you’d never ask,” Serena replied.

“Stay there, I’ll bring it in.” She rolled out of bed and slipped on her robe. Serena propped herself up against the pillows, pulling the duvet up and looking at the room properly. It was a good size, with a nice view over the gardens at the back, but if it weren’t for the photos on the bedside table and the faint scent of citrus mixed with coffee and a little bit of cigarette smoke, she wouldn’t have said it belonged to Bernie.

She had said she was looking for somewhere more permanent now she was earning a good salary, but Marcus had taken her for everything and her budget had been tight at first. Everything was basic, as she’d barely received her first month’s pay check when she moved out. It saddened her to think of how Bernie had lived before they’d met. Her kids weren’t talking to her, all her friends in Holby had been joint with Marcus and had apparently taken his side in the divorce.

Serena secretly hoped that it would been Bernie would stay over at hers frequently. Obviously not move in or anything, but she didn’t like the idea of Bernie spending lonely nights with a take away and a bottle of wine. She pondered how it wold work, with their unpredictable schedules. Of course, she had Jason to think about as well, although he had settled well with her and was often quite happy to be left alone for a night as long as he had plenty of notice. Bernie seemed more than willing to make accommodations for him as well.

The only unknown factor in this was Elinor. Her flighty – and a little self-centred – daughter had become even more distant since going to university. Serena did her best, tried to reach out to her, but their weekly calls had turned to monthly and recently the texts had been shorter and sparse with information. It was partly Serena’s fault, juggling the new trauma unit, Jason and socialising with Bernie had meant she’d too often put contacting Elinor off until a quieter day. Which of course never happened.

That needed to change though, she didn’t want to keep Bernie a secret, she had waited until she was certain but now there was no excuse. She wasn’t sure how Elinor would react. She’d often told her to find someone, and had said that Robbie was ‘a bit on the plain side’, but other than that she rarely took an interest in Serena’s love life. Would it matter to her that Bernie was a woman? Serena guessed there was only one way to find out.

Bernie slipped back into the room with two mugs, probably from IKEA, and placed one on the table beside Serena.

“Strong and hot, just how you like it,” she grinned, joining her under the covers and pressing a quick kiss onto her lips. 

“Mmmm, lovely,” she sighed as she took a sip. “A lot nicer than Pulses, and better service too.”

Bernie snorted, “I should hope so, I may have been on a budget but I had to get a good coffee machine.”

They settled into silence, Bernie resting against Serena’s shoulder, both enjoying the coffee and the stillness between them.

“I was thinking,” Serena said, as she placed the mug back down. “I should ring Elinor. Today.”

Bernie turned to look at her, a puzzled expression furrowing her brow.

“To tell her about us,” Serena squeezed Bernie’s hand and she nodded in understanding. “There’s not going to be a good time, and I hope she’ll be okay with it, but it’s probably best to do it sooner rather than later.”

“Do you want me to be there or…?” Bernie knew they had a difficult relationship and didn’t want to crowd Serena, but equally she wanted to have her back if she needed the support.

She’d set her mind to it now and waiting would only make the nerves worse. She pulled on her clothes from last night while Bernie went to the kitchen to find some breakfast for them both. Moments later she followed her, phone in hand. She wasn’t sure she could eat until after the call so Bernie sat next to her, taking her hand and rubbing soothing circles into the skin.

She almost dropped her phone as it started ringing unexpectedly. A glance at the caller and her face dropped.

“Who is it, work?” Serena shook her head and showed her the screen.

“Well she’s got good timing I’ll give her that,” Bernie tried to ease some of the tension from Serena as she swiped the screen and accepted the call.

“Elinor, darling, I was just about to ring you,” she started but was cut off by her daughter.

“Exactly _when_ were you going to tell me you’re a lesbian?”

XXXXX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I know this is a bit of a cliffhanger but I promise that the next chapter is in progress and I will post it in a week, you won't have to wait as long again.


	18. The Hardest Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A difficult conversation with Elinor leaves Bernie questioning whether she is the right person for Serena. Will she see sense?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh what are words???? This chapter has been a struggle, especially the second half, and I can't look at it anymore to edit it, so you're getting it as is. 
> 
> Thank you for all your comments on the last chapter! 
> 
> A bit of a refresher as some of the things I refer to happened quite a few chapters (and hence several months) ago:  
> \- Cameron and Morven are dating  
> \- Marcus is a twat and not very nice to Charlotte when her ex got angry at her  
> \- Bernie told the kids about Marcus being abusive
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

“Exactly _when_ were you going to tell me you’re a lesbian?”

The words hung in the air as Serena’s mouth dropped open. A thousand questions raced through her mind. How did she know about her and Bernie? Was she angry because she felt left out, or about Serena’s sexuality? Did she mind? How was she going to explain this?

She could see Bernie looking at her with concern, she couldn’t have heard what Elinor had said.

“Do you have _any_ idea how embarrassing it was for me, when Gabby called and I had to admit I didn’t know anything about it?!”

Serena bit back a retort, of course Elinor would make this about herself.

“Ellie, love, calm down. Let me explain, please. It’s all quite new, I was going to call you today anyway.”

“Ha, likely story. I’m always the last to know, if you remember at all. And I had to find out this from a friend who saw you kissing some woman after a concert last night. Apparently, you looked _adorable_ packing up the car together. She had to remind you to leave you were so caught up in each other.” She sneered the last part with clear disapproval.

The realisation hit her. The car park attendant, the girl who looked about Elinor’s age, was evidently none other than her daughter’s best friend from school. The one that had turned up on the ward, high as kite and thrown up everywhere.

“Gabby was there? I didn’t recognise her…” Serena trailed off, it had been a while since she’d last seen her.

“Yeah, well she’s at uni but works at Tyntesfield in the holidays. That’s not the point,” she declared leaving a silence that she expected Serena to fill. She didn’t know where to start, but she looked at Bernie and took a deep breath. A small nod and squeeze of her hand reassured her.

“Ellie, I can promise you it’s not been going on long. Last Friday in fact, but last night was our first proper date, as it were. I was going to ring you this morning and tell you, honest.” She heard a slight ‘hmph’ from the other end of the line, but Elinor didn’t say anything so she carried on.

“You know I mentioned there was going to be a trauma unit, to support St James’? And that I’d become friends with the surgeon that works over there? We’d met before then but, well that’s not the point, but you remember I told you about Bernie?”

She wasn’t sure whether Elinor would remember, didn’t know how many times she’d mentioned her.

“Anyway, it’s her. We’re, um, together. We’ve been friends for a while now and we’ve been dancing around our feelings,”

“What is this, some sort of bizarre Sapphic mid-life crisis? Things fall apart with Robbie so you decide for a bit of experimentation? Aren’t you a bit old for all that?”

The scorn in her voice pierced through Serena, she felt the tears behind her eyes. “No Elinor, this is serious. Bernie makes me happy. Happier than I’ve been for a long time. Even if it was a crisis or whatever you think, it really wouldn’t matter because I don’t have to run every decision I make past you. I had hoped you’d gone to university and blossomed into a progressive and liberal young woman.”

“I think you’re being liberal enough for the both of us, Mum.”

She shuffled closer to Bernie, her touch grounding her as she bit back the tears.

“Look, I appreciate it’s a lot to take in and I’m sorry you found out the way you did. Why don’t we catch up over a coffee, I know you’re at uni at the moment, but maybe this weekend? I’d like you to meet Bernie eventually as well, but you don’t have to now. Please, love.”

At this she heard a derisive snort from Elinor followed by a moment’s silence. Serena didn’t want to push her daughter, knowing that normally ended with her being further from reach. It was broken by a defeated sigh.

“Maybe. I’ve got to go. Bye.” Serena tried to get in an ‘I love you’ before the line was cut off. She hoped Elinor had heard.

Bernie had watched Serena throughout the conversation. Her stomach twisted with guilt, from the sound of it someone had already told Elinor, and she wasn’t happy about it. Serena was close to tears, presumably Elinor had turned down the offer of coffee and Bernie’s heart sank. She knew Serena’s relationship with Elinor was tenuous, that it was partially down to her divorce from Edward and being seen as the strict parent. But from what Serena said, Elinor did love her even if she didn’t show it often.

There was no way Bernie was getting in the way of that. She had alienated herself from her children and lived with that pain, knowing Charlotte didn’t want to talk to her was the hardest thing in the world. She wouldn’t let that happen to Serena.

Serena wiped her eyes and leant into Bernie. Her heart broke, torn by wanting to support Serena and knowing that the closer she allowed Serena to get, the worse it would be for her relationship with her daughter. For that moment she stilled, her heart and Serena's touch overruling her head.

Family was precious and Serena had lost so many throughout her life. Her father had died before she'd become a doctor, never knowing how much she'd acheived. She lost Adrienne several months before her death, and lost a sister before she knew she existed.

Bernie knew Serena had many regrets when it came to Elinor, that despite her reassuring Bernie she was a great mother, she had her own self-doubt. She thought she was too strict, too much like Adrienne, hadn't shown how proud she really was. She didn't want Serena to add another one to the list.

She wasn't sure what to do, couldn't say anything because Serena would tell her not to be silly but would she really mean it? Or worse she would say the words, say they couldn't be together and then it would be real. They couldn't go back to how things were, they were both in too deep and the shore was a speck in the distance.

"Right, breakfast then I'd better get ready for work," Bernie hopped to her feet after a quick squeeze of Serena's arm. "Can't have you doing surgery on an empty stomach. Would you like another coffee while you're here?"

She knew she was rambling but couldn't quite stop herself. Serena blinked at her, then managed a small smile.

"Yes, that would be nice."

Serena watched her from the kitchen table, wondering what was going through Bernie’s mind. The conversation with Elinor had unsettled her, perhaps because she never had a similar conversation with her own children, or maybe because the strained relationship was too close to home for her. Or the other option was that Bernie was uncomfortable showing emotional support and was trying her best through actions rather than words, and Serena was overthinking the abrupt way Bernie had leapt from the chair.

When Bernie sat down, presenting her with another mug of coffee and a warm croissant, jam and butter quickly following, Serena took her hand to reassure her.

“It seems she’s more annoyed about finding out through the grapevine, rather than from me directly. I’m sure she’ll get over it once the end of term is nearing and her student loan is running out.” 

She chuckled and Bernie gave her a weak smile then looked down to concentrate on breakfast. She didn’t want to dwell on it too long; Elinor hadn’t managed to fully deflate her happiness, but talking about it much longer would so she changed topics.

“I’ve heard from Connie Beauchamp that Cameron has made a good impression down in the ED, and he’s only been there two days. Obviously, he hasn’t lost too many skills during his break from med school.”

Bernie’s face softened, clearly showing how proud she was of her son. “Either that or he’s turned on the charm to distract people from the fact he has no clue what’s going on.”

They both laughed and Serena felt the tension diffuse between them.

“If anything exciting comes in to the trauma unit I might give him a call up, see his skills first hand.”

“He’d love that, but don’t give him any special treatment just because he’s my son.”

They fell back into the easy conversation that had flowed between them since day one. It helped to take Bernie’s mind off the phone call, but not completely. The thought still niggled at the back of her consciousness telling her that Serena was being polite, that she actually resented Bernie, or would come to resent her if Ellie doesn’t ‘get over it’.

It was a battle that seemed harder than any she faced in the army, where the enemy was obvious and there was a job to do. Now the enemy was herself, her own intrusive thoughts telling her she wasn’t worthy and she didn’t know what to do. Serena was still there, smiling and laughing but it could be fake and she could be wishing that it was time to go to work.

_It’s only love if it hurts._ She thought she could deal with the pain and suffering, as long as everyone else was happy. That had been her mantra through life. Make her parents happy, make Marcus happy, the kids. How had that turned out? She’d been selfish, lied and cheated and now she thought she’d found the one thing, the one _person_ to change her luck and she was faced with the prospect of having to return to a friendship, or worse.

She tried to concentrate on Serena, nod in the right places, but she found herself transfixed by the minute changes in expression. The twitch of her lips, the quirk of her eyebrow and everything else that mesmerised Bernie soon became the object of her analysis. Did that smile meet her eyes, was she trying to glance at a clock?

“Bernie, are you okay?” Hearing her name said with such concern and care brought her out of the reverie. She took a breath, tried to ground herself in the moment, rather than worry. She nodded and yawned.

“Sorry, sorry. The caffeine obviously hasn’t hit yet and the nights are catching up on me.”

Serena narrowed her eyes, as if trying to read through Bernie’s reassurance, as if she didn’t quite believe it. Bernie immediately felt a twist of guilt, she’d promised to get better at showing her emotions.

“Actually,” Bernie saw the relief wash over Serena’s face and pressed on. “Are, are you sure Elinor will be alright? With you being – I mean – are you okay, after telling her?”

_I would understand if you wanted to go. If this is going to be a problem we can go back to being friends._

Her deepest fears stayed hidden, she couldn’t bring herself to say those words, to hear the answers. She felt lighter though, opening up even if it wasn’t the most eloquent way of saying things.

“I knew you were worried about something,” Serena raised an eyebrow and Bernie glanced down, a little ashamed. “Honestly, I don’t know. She’s fickle and has her own agenda, but she’s put out because she didn’t hear it from me. I think she’s being obstinate and sour about you being a woman as some sort of payback. She knows how to push my buttons, we’re more similar than I’d like to admit sometimes.”

Bernie managed a small smile as Serena drew her chair closer to her, placing a hand gently on her back.

“I’m glad I’ve told her and I’m fine Bernie. Honestly,” she pressed a soft kiss to Bernie’s lips. She pulled back, searching deep into Serena’s eyes for reassurance. She nodded, almost imperceptibly and tried to stop the intrusive thoughts at the edge of her mind.  She drained the rest of her coffee and glanced at the kitchen clock. Groaning, she stood up and stretched.

“I’d better get ready. Thank you, again, for last night.”

Serena followed her out of the kitchen, picking up her bag and coat from the hallway as Bernie paused at the front door to open it.

“Would you like to come over for dinner later? You can keep me entertained during the documentary Jason’s got lined up. Or answer the questions he has, because I know nothing about the Romans.”

Bernie huffed out a laugh, “I’ll see, it’s been pretty busy on the ward recently so I might have to stay late.”

Serena understood, of course she did. “Well the offer’s there. Let me know?”

A hum of assent and a brief kiss was the only response from Bernie before the door started to close. Serena started the descent pondering the mood Bernie was in. She hoped she’d put her mind at rest about Elinor.

XXXXX

An hour into her shift and Serena was sat staring at the computer. There hadn’t been any emergencies and her elective wasn’t for another hour. A tentative knock on the door was a welcome distraction. The door opened slowly and Cameron poked his head into the office.

“Hi Cam, sorry Morven isn’t in today.”

He closed the door and stood, looking almost nervous.

“I know, I wanted to see you actually. There’s nothing really going on down in the ED, I was wondering if I could shadow you in the trauma unit?”

He blinked, eyes wide and pulling the exact same puppy face as Bernie. Serena laughed and gestured for him to sit.

“Sorry, we’ve not got any trauma patients at the minute, but I’ve got a pseudoaneurysm ligation later if you want to scrub in for that?”

His face lit up and he nodded eagerly. “Have I got time to grab some lunch?”

She told him what time to get back and smiled, unlocking her phone.

**Cameron’s appeared, he’s scrubbing in later. Obviously inherited your powers of persuasion ;) Think I might convert him to vascular surgery haha. Hope your shift is going well xxx**

XXXXX

Bernie chastised herself as she started to wish the red phone would ring. The shift was going slowly and it was leaving her with too much time to dwell on the events of the past day. She felt restless and took another trip - was this the fourth, fifth of the shift? - down to the coffee shop.

She stood in the queue when she heard her name being called. She grimaced as she recognised the voice. She didn't want to be dealing with Marcus today.

"What the hell have you been saying to Charlotte?" He demanded as she paid for the coffee.

"I could ask you the same thing. She called me, she was upset so we met up. Apparently you said she deserved to be pushed by her ex, for being 'frigid'." She lowered her voice, trying to keep it level and without too much anger. "I've given her a key to my flat, she knows she can come anytime she needs to."

"Oh, you think that will make everything better, do you? It doesn't make up for all those teenage dramas I supported her through, when you weren't there."

She gripped the cup tighter and tried to cover the hurt that he still caused when he mentioned her failings as a mother.

"Of course not, but I am here for her now. And they both know, by the way, about what you did. They couldn't understand why I didn't use it in the divorce. I've told them to leave it, that I'm fine and we've both moved on.”

He looked uncomfortable, pondering what to say next.

“I assume you told that other woman as well, at the fundraiser?”

She nodded and he sighed.

“I’m sorry,” she’d heard it before, but this time it was because he knew he’d been caught out. “Is she your… you know?”

He still couldn’t say it out loud obviously, she laughed to herself.

“What Serena is to me is none of your business. You need to know that you don’t hold any power over me anymore. Can we put it behind us, be professional? We are still the kids’ parents after all.”

She didn’t want to work in St James’ if it meant having to hear his snide remarks, and she couldn’t live with herself if the kids had to choose between the two of them again. He acquiesced and she breathed a sigh of relief. She hadn’t realised how much of a strain Marcus was putting on her life.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket. Serena. It seemed that her mind found another worry to replace any she dealt with. What could she reply? When Serena had invited her over to dinner she’d clammed up. She couldn’t let herself have the closeness, the domesticity if it was all going to be lost down the line. But her heart yearned for it more than anything. It scared her.

She put it back in her pocket, not knowing what to say in response. She hoped Serena would assume she was busy in surgery. Again her stomach twisted a little with guilt but her pager bleeped and the thought was pushed far from her mind, she had a job to do.

XXXXX

The surgery had gone well and Cameron was buzzing. Serena could almost feel the excitement sparking from him. He’d helped out, holding instruments and assisting Raf with the suturing. They were sat in the break room, coffee in hand and he was chattering away.

“So have we convinced you surgery is better than handing out sick bowls and telling people they’ve just got a cold?”

He laughed, not quite on a par with Bernie’s, but loud and free.

“I always told mum and dad that I’d never be a surgeon. But it’s actually pretty cool. I’ll never hear the end of it from mum though,” he paused a moment, looking at Serena carefully. “Did you have a nice time last night? I’ve not spoken to mum today.”

She shifted a little uncomfortably. She had warmed to Cameron quickly but it felt odd talking to him about her and Bernie.

“Yes, thank you, we really enjoyed it.”

“It’s nice to see her so happy. I know it’s only early days, but she deserves it, after everything.”

“If only she let herself see that,” Serena hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but Cameron sighed in exasperation.

“What’s she done now?”

Serena blushed, not wanting to air her fears to him.

“Ms Campbell, my mother is nothing if not predictable. She likes to think she’s mysterious and good at hiding her emotions but most of her actions boil down to not wanting to hurt other people, no matter how much she hurts herself.”

Serena laughed, and felt slightly reassured.

“This morning, Elinor found out from a friend about us. She wasn’t happy, partly because I hadn’t told her myself, partly because she thinks I’m going through a mid-life crisis. Anyway, after the phone call, your mum seemed distant. I reassured her that it would be fine, invited her over to mine later and she gave some vague response about work being busy.”

She hadn’t replied to the text either, and usually that wouldn’t concern Serena. Bernie was forever leaving it in her locker and not checking it at work, but adding that to the events of this morning made Serena worry.

Cameron put his head in his hands.

“She is one of the worst communicators I’ve met. She’s probably trying to be noble and not come between you and Elinor.”

That hadn’t occurred to Serena. She’d been worried that Bernie didn’t want to deal with a problem daughter, or had felt like things were going too fast.

“I’ll talk to her, but text her anyway. Tell her the offer of dinner’s still there,” Cameron stood up, thanking her for the coffee. “I might be back up here tomorrow if that’s alright?”

She nodded and got her phone out. “Thank you, Cam.”

**Bernie, don’t worry about Elinor. I won’t let her come between us, she’s being childish. You’re still welcome tonight, anytime xxx**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm starting back at work today, don't know how many shifts i'll have but I will try my best to update in about a week :)


	19. A Reason to Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cameron is Captain of the good ship Berena and helps to push his mother in the right direction (towards Serena)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your comments, they mean so much! I'm glad you're all still enjoying this story. Thanks Beezarre for letting me ramble to you as well (and for killing me with those Jemma gifs. If you want someone to blame for waiting for this chapter, it's her)

_Buzz. Buzz. Buzz._

Bernie drained the rest of the whisky in her tumbler and slowly set it down on the table. She took a drag on the cigarette then toyed with it between her fingers. They’d leave soon enough. It was her first cigarette in months. She hadn’t noticed that she’d given up. Lonely evenings sat on the balcony had been replaced with wine tasting, Pilates, Albie’s. _Serena_. She hadn’t needed to smoke.

_Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz._

They were holding their finger down on the doorbell. She sighed, stubbed the cigarette out in the ashtray next to the tumbler, and the half empty bottle. Hauling herself up from the garden chair the previous occupants had left, she stretched and padded slowly across the flat. She pressed the intercom.

“Whatever you’re selling I’m not interested.”

“Well isn’t that charming, Madre,” Cameron’s voice crackled through the speaker. She groaned and buzzed him in.

A few moments later and Cameron was in her living room, grimacing at the sight of her lounging on her sofa, the bottle of whisky retrieved from the balcony and in her hand.

She ignored him and he took the opportunity to appraise her. She was stretched out, still in lycra running gear and her St James’ hoodie tied in a little bow at her neck. She’d evidently been for a run, and judging by her mood it would have been a long one. He hoped that the bottle hadn’t been full at the start of the evening.

“Did they not teach you to shower in the army?”  

He shoved her legs off the sofa and settled down next to her, fixing her with a stern gaze. She dropped her eyes, realising that he’d seen Serena today, and she had probably told him about her radio silence. The second text remained unopened, all she’d seen was the preview.

She’d started the day optimistic, and she had tried to talk herself out of the self-deprecating spiral. Serena had said before she left that Elinor was fickle, that she was fine. She still wanted to see Bernie that night. But as the day wore on, and there weren’t any big trauma cases to keep her mind occupied, she started to think of the what ifs and the maybes.

_What if Serena was being polite? Maybe she was fine with it now, but what about after 2 months of Elinor not talking to her?_

The thoughts hadn’t disappeared, not even on the run, as she was pounding through the streets, music on loud to try and remove everything in her head. She wasn’t sure how far she’d gone. When she got back the thoughts were still there. Persistent, taunting her. So, she’d found the bottle, and a pack of cigarettes that had somehow avoided the bin.

“Can I ask what you’re doing, moping on your own with only a smoky scotch for company, when I know for a fact you’ve had a better offer?”

She met his eyes briefly, seeing sympathy, almost pity and a hint of a knowing smirk.

“What did she say?” She found her voice and Cameron looked relieved. 

“That you were having a perfectly nice time, until Elinor called and you seemed to retreat so far into your shell that you’ve turned inside out.”

He folded his arms and waited expectantly for an answer. 

“She can’t lose Elinor. I…I don’t want to come between them. I know what it feels like, to not know if your children will talk to you,” she trailed off, finally meeting Cameron’s eyes.

“Isn’t that Serena’s decision to make? She thinks that you don’t want to deal with a difficult child that isn’t your own.”

Her eyes widened in horror. “No, no that’s not…,”

“Did you tell her that?”

A silence followed, Bernie didn’t know what to say. The assumptions she’d made, the lack of communication. She felt foolish.

“Serena wants you, Mum. She knows Elinor best, she’s not going to do anything that will seriously jeopardise her family, is she?”

Bernie remembered then what Serena had said about Robbie. She’d left him as soon as she realised he wasn’t comfortable with Jason. She opened her mouth and closed it again. She couldn’t find a protest.

“You know I’m right.”

She nodded and searched his eyes. Her son, her little boy to whom she had given milky buttons and sprayed perfume on his pillow to comfort him. Here he was comforting her.

“What do I do, Cam?”

“Shower.” She chuckled weakly. “Then I’ll drive you over there. After that it’s down to you.”

XXXXX

Half an hour later and Cam pulled onto Serena’s drive, Bernie in the passenger seat feeling slightly fresher. The whiskey that had drowned her sorrows was still coursing through her system, but she hoped that it would help her to open up.

“The front door won’t open itself, no matter how long you stare at it, Mum.”

She glanced at Cameron, not sure how long they’d been sat in silence.

“Right, yes.” She placed her hand on his forearm, not quite sure how to convey how grateful she was. “Thank you.”

He nodded, then glanced towards the door. She took a deep breath, calming her nerves, and got out the car.

XXXXX

She could have sworn she heard a car pull up on her drive. She must have been imagining it though. One glass of Shiraz too many. Was that a car door shutting? Maybe the neighbours? She should go and have a look, peek through the voile curtains in her best 'Aunt Petunia' fashion, as Elinor used to call it. She couldn't be bothered, in fact if it weren't for her hip painfully reminding her she wasn't as young as she used to be, she would stay the entire night on the sofa. She could only just manage to raise the glass to her lips.

The day had dragged, drained her emotionally and then left her in a state of anxiety. She was too old for this, the wondering, the worrying. A brief thought crossed her mind. It wasn't worth the hassle. She laughed sourly. That was the problem. Bernie most definitely _was_ worth the hassle.

Since her split with Edward she had dated several men, and had a fair few 'flings'. None of them had come close to settling. Some scarpered as soon as they found out she had a daughter, or was a high-flying doctor and deputy CEO. Good riddance. Others she bored of, she wasn't ashamed to admit it. She craved passion and excitement in all areas of her life. Then there had been Robbie. She'd had no trouble cutting ties with him as soon as he showed misgivings about Jason. Trying to make it work between them was too much effort, for a mediocre reward.

And then there was the star prize. She'd come in, turned Serena's life upside down and then buggered off. For what? Serena's petulant, spoilt daughter, who needed to learn that not everything revolved around her. Serena was not going to let Elinor ruin this for her.

She sighed and reached over to top up her glass. The bottle was disappointingly light. Should she open another? A glance at the clock told her no. It was late, she'd stayed up in hope but that had trickled away with every glass that had been filled. Cam had promised to talk to her, and she was sure he would keep his word but what if it fell on deaf ears?

She left the glass by the bottle on the coffee table. Tomorrow's problem. She stretched as she stood, feeling joints click and muscles protest.

_Tap._

She paused, certain she'd heard something. A car engine started, it sounded close. She listened as the engine faded away down the road. Ignoring it, she started up the stairs.

_Tap....T-t-t-Taptaptap..._

A stuttering at the door. Timid, barely audible. But she was sure she had heard it.

_Knockknockknock._

Loud, clear, rushing into each other as if the percussionist was nervous, not trusting themselves to get the sound out if they did it any slower. Her heart hammered in her chest. There was only one person that knock could belong to.

"Bernie," she breathed as she opened the door. The slight step up to her house left her looking down into those deep, hazel eyes. Wide, full of worry, searching Serena's gaze.

"I didn't want to wake Jason," she mumbled, glancing at the doorbell to her right.

Serena wanted to hug her, kiss her, breathe her in but she refrained. They needed to sort this out first so she smiled and stepped aside, allowing Bernie to enter and leave her boots by the door. As she passed she caught a faint scent of whiskey and she glanced out onto the road, concerned.

"You didn't drive, did you?" There was no sign of her car anywhere.  
She shook her head, the fringe falling in front of her eyes from where it had been pushed back.

"Cam dropped me off."

 _Bit presumptuous, isn't it?_ She bit her lip, controlling the natural flirt that was on the tip of her tongue.

"Ah, good." She settled for as she pointed Bernie in the direction of the sofa. She caught sight of the bottle on the table and tilted her head at Serena. A hint of guilt, paired with concern. Serena merely raised an eyebrow. _Pot, kettle, darling._ The mint of her toothpaste wasn't quite doing its job.

Bernie dropped her eyes, realising she'd been caught out. It was these silent conversations that tugged at Serena's heart. It felt as if Bernie could read her mind sometimes. That made this situation all the more frustrating. Couldn't Bernie see that she didn't need to run, that in fact Serena needed Bernie's support now more than ever? Why couldn't she have relayed her fears to Serena, so she could put her mind at ease?

_Because she is Bernie._

No explanation needed. This woman. Infuriating, unassuming, caring, beautiful. Her what? _Girlfriend, lover, partner, best friend, soulmate?_  Seeing her sat, pressed into the corner of the sofa as if she wanted to disappear into it. A child caught doing what their parents had told them not to. So different to the authoratative, in control surgeon.

She wanted to be angry, for the radio silence, for Bernie's assumptions and taking matters into her own hands. But she knew why, she knew Bernie's explanation before she even had chance to say it.

"Forgive me?"

She was already forgiven. The moment she turned up on the doorstep, probably before. Serena sighed and settled onto the sofa next to her.

"I didn't want you to have the same fractured relationship with Elinor as I've had with my own two. It's taken me so long to rebuild it. I didn't want you to live the rest of your life regretting things if it turned out badly."

"But it's okay for you to live the rest of your life regretting letting me go?"

"I wouldn't if I knew you were better off without me. I've got enough regrets that one more wouldn't make much difference."

"Bernie," her tone was stern, but exasperated. "You can't think like that. And you don't have to be such a martyr. Let yourself be happy. Unless what happened with Elinor..."

"No!" she leapt forwards, clasping Serena's hands in her own. "I want to be with you, more than, well, anything."

Serena softened her expression, pulled Bernie closer and rested her forehead against hers.

"Good, because I want to be with you too. Elinor will come around to the idea, I promise. I wouldn't let her stop us even if she doesn't. She's an adult now and she should be out living her own life rather than passing comment on mine."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have made the decision for us. I...I got scared. I was rubbish, I know."

Serena tenderly pressed their lips together.

"I'm assuming if Cam dropped you off you'll be wanting to stay the night," she smirked, clearing the emotion that threatened to overwhelm. They didn't need anymore of that tonight.

Bernie's eyes widened in shock. "Only if that's...I didn't presume...I'd just had,"

Serena chuckled. "A drink I know, and even if you had driven yourself, I want you to stay."

She stood and held out her hand. They were both tired and on edge, all she wanted to do was curl up with Bernie, pressed close and limbs tangled. Elinor could be dealt with another day.

As she started to drift off she felt Bernie move close, drop a kiss to her cheek.

"I love you." A promise, a declaration murmured into the dark, barely audible above the rustle of the sheets. She smiled and returned the affection, three simple words with so much meaning. She didn't think she would ever tire of hearing Bernie utter them, or of saying them herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was meant to put Elinor in this one, but those two got carried away and so I stopped it there before it became a monster chapter haha. Hope you enjoyed :)


	20. The Right Side of Fifty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elinor breaks the silence with a request

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *soppy notes alert* 
> 
> This is crazy, it's the final chapter of the first fic I ever wrote. It started as a one shot, then was going to be a 5+1 thing. 9 months and 63k words later, here we are! I am so glad I decided to start writing, and all of your comments have been so encouraging. I can't believe how amazing this fandom is, so thank you all! I've had the final few paragraphs planned in my head since July, but the story kept wanting to go in different directions before I could get it to this point, so it feels weird to have actually written it. 
> 
> As ever, beezarre thank you, this fic would not have been the same without your flailing and plot bunnies and cheerleading! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter, thank you all for reading!

_September 2016 - 2 months later_

Bernie flicked the fringe from her eyes as she pushed open the door to Albie's. It had quickly become a habit over the last two months, spending time with Serena and Cameron as he continued his placement in Holby. She got on well with her team at St. James' and Serena had joined them a few times after a shift, but there wasn't the same family feel that surrounded the AAU team. She guessed it would come with time, as she hadn't been the head of the trauma unit for long.

Her eyes immediately found the face of Serena, deep in conversation with Raf. Morven and Cam were stood at the bar, Cameron's arm wrapped around her shoulders. She smiled. She hadn't approved of many of Cam's previous girlfriends, she was sure she hadn't met all of them, but had never commented. She felt she didn't have the right to be an interfering mother. Until Keeley, of course. She was glad that one had crashed and burned.

“Hi Mum,” a voice she hadn’t been expecting called out. She furrowed her brow in confusion.

“Charlotte?” She made her way over to the table, collapsed onto the seat next to Serena, where a double whiskey awaited her. She placed a lingering, chaste kiss to Serena’s lips, with a murmured ‘hello, darling’ before taking a sip.

“Well Cam’s going to university next week, I’m not going to see him until Christmas, so I thought I’d join you all.”  

Although Charlotte hadn’t stayed at Bernie’s flat since she’d got the key, they had met regularly. Charlotte had stated she’d rather not get in the way of Bernie and Serena in the early part of their relationship.

The conversation turned to university, reminiscing about student life and Fletch’s face dropping as he thought about his own kids flying the nest.

“I know they need to get out and have their own lives, but as it gets closer the more I want them to stay. They grow up so quickly.” There was a murmur of agreement from Bernie and Serena.

“Trust me, Fletch. Make the most of this time, but once they’re gone you have time for yourself, and that’s the best feeling in the world.”

Serena intertwined her fingers with Bernie’s and squeezed, resting her head on her shoulder. Cameron and Charlotte both pretended to grimace and groaned at the affection, Jason and the rest of the AAU team smiled. They’d all seen the change in Serena over the last two months.

She ignored the rest of the conversation. Not intentionally, but her mind wandered, thinking about the last two months. In fact, the last four. Had it only been four months since she’d turned up at a blind date, expecting a Bernard and meeting someone so far from the image she had formed in her head. How quickly her life had turned around, she felt as if she had known Bernie all her life. She had slotted in perfectly. Well, almost. Elinor seemed set on remaining an immovable force, stubbornly not getting in touch, her silence deafening. She pushed the thought away, focusing on the here and now. Her family, new and old.

She shuffled closer to Bernie, half resting against her shoulder. Bernie turned to her with a question in her eyes. She smiled and nodded in response. _You okay? Yes, perfect._ A silent exchange that didn’t go unnoticed by a pair of narrow brown eyes, watching from across the bar. Bernie dropped a kiss into Serena’s hair then sipped her drink. It was moments like these of which Serena knew she would never tire.

Bernie had come out of her shell, with small displays of affection. It was scary at first, for both of them. They were both new to being publicly ‘out’, Bernie’s past relationship always being in secret, and Serena’s own undiscovered ‘not-straightness’ – as she had termed it in her head – meaning they were still getting used to being free to express their feelings.

“They said I’d find you here.”

Serena jumped at the voice and her head turned quickly. Bernie follows her gaze to find herself being subject to a stern glare and raised eyebrow. Except this didn’t belong to Serena, even though it was so familiar. Longer hair, slightly lighter, thinner lips but with a similar cleft in her chin. There was only one person this could be.

“Elinor, what a surprise,” Serena smiled, and Cameron and Charlotte looked at each other with eyebrows raised. Bernie went to move away from Serena, take her hand out of Serena’s, but she gripped it. The rest of the table shifted uncomfortably, except Jason who smiled brightly.

“Hi, Elinor! This is unexpected, Auntie Serena said we wouldn’t be seeing you for a while because you were being stubborn.”

His direct nature made the already thick atmosphere become almost solid. No one was willing to break the silence. Elinor huffed briefly but didn’t respond to Jason, instead fixing Serena with a hard stare.

“I wonder where I get that from?”

The whole table tensed, Fletch muttering about needing to get back for the kids and Raf quickly agreeing. This was a family discussion they’d rather not be involved in. Elinor twitched the corner of her mouth into a small smile and sat where Raf had been, directly opposite Serena.

She sat there, almost open mouthed in disbelief. Why on earth was Elinor there, what did she want, had she changed her mind? She quickly rearranged her expression and smiled sarcastically back at her, some jibes were better than a complete lack of contact.

“I’m sure your father can take some of the blame for that as well,” she stated plainly, not letting her guard down and trying to show Elinor she was on thin ice. “To what do we owe the pleasure?”

All this time it felt like the group were holding their collective breaths. They were all carefully watching either Serena or Elinor, gauging their reactions, the mood between them. Bernie was perhaps the tensest, all too aware that not only was this an awkward encounter between mother and daughter, it was the first time said daughter would meet her. She wanted to make a good impression, show Elinor how much Serena meant to her, how serious she was about making her happy.

“I’ve got a favour to ask.”

Somehow, Bernie wasn’t sure how, this statement caused Serena’s eyebrow to raise further. She fought the urge to smile, Serena had been right, all it took was needing her mother to make Elinor get back in touch.

“I’m doing a project at university. It’s going to be part of my final mark, and I want it to be amazing, try and publish it even. All I need is full access to AAU for filming.”

At this, everyone’s eyebrows shot up, her boldness surprising and almost impressive.

“Behind the headlines, you know?” she continued, ignoring the incredulous faces. “It would be perfect, interviewing patients about their experiences, the doctors’ thoughts on the new contracts. I want to see if there are disparities between how staff and patients view the media coverage of the NHS and their own opinions of what the culture is like within a hospital. Maybe get some responses following the Mid Staffs crisis, Liverpool Care Pathway, that sort of thing.”

She’d barely paused for breath and Bernie was impressed with her passion and how much she had clearly researched already. Serena cleared her throat but Elinor carried on.

“All I’d need would be for you to talk to Hanssen, the Trust, whatever, and allow me to interview patients.”

“Oh, is that all?” Serena drawled, unimpressed by her assumptions and sheer audacity. “And why should I?”

Elinor looked pointedly at Bernie, then back at Serena.

“Well you’re clearly more interested in your own life than mine. Don’t you want me to succeed at university?”

Serena raised an eyebrow, Elinor was pushing it and twisting Serena’s words to suit herself. Typical. She glanced at the rest of the table: Morven and Cam were murmuring to each other, clearly trying to ignore the situation, Jason was sipping his drink, watching the exchange with a wary interest. Charlotte was furiously typing into her phone, again trying not to be involved. Bernie was by her side, one hand rubbing soothing circles on the back of her own.

“Shall the rest of us find another table while you two talk?” She said softly into the silence that had grown. The others needed no more prompting, chairs scraped back and drinks lifted. Bernie went to move but again Serena stopped her.

“No, Bernie, stay?”

She paused, Serena could almost hear the internal battle of her fears telling her to join the others, and her heart telling her to stay. It seemed her heart won, she sat back down.

“Only if you’re okay with that, Elinor?” she said and Serena felt her heart clench a little more.

Elinor looked taken aback for a moment, before her passive face resumed, a mask not showing anything other than mild boredom. She nodded slightly before Serena spoke.

“Elinor, I care about your degree, of course I do. But you’re an adult now, you’ve moved out. I need to live my own life. You have been selfish, stubborn and I can’t believe you have the nerve to ask that, after your rudeness. You’ve not introduced yourself to Bernie, greeted Jason or asked how I am. You come in, expecting me to do exactly what you want, it’s just typical of you Elinor.”

“So you won’t talk to the board?”

Serena groaned in frustration, she couldn’t believe Elinor’s directness, how she was ignoring everything apart from what _she_ wanted. She raised an eyebrow at her daughter, who realised what she meant. She glanced at Bernie.

“Hi. It’s nice to _finally_ meet you.”

That was all, short, snapped out in resignation, dripping in sarcasm. Serena was about to discipline her for her petulance but Bernie squeezed her hand, stopping her.

“Hello, Elinor. It’s a pleasure to meet you,” she kept her voice soft and warm, a small smile at the end. “I understand this must be difficult. It took my own kids a while to get used to.”

She looked over at the table where they sat, smiling sadly. Elinor cleared her throat, colouring a little.

“I didn’t realise you had kids as well. Are you divorced, like Mum?”

Bernie smiled, Elinor was still being short and seemed to be working towards an interrogation. Bernie was prepared to answer anything, if it meant helping to melt the icy wall that had built between Elinor and Serena.

“Yes, I was married for twenty-five years. We split up earlier this year, when I was medically retired from the army.”

“So what, you were covering up being gay?”

“Elinor!” Serena snapped but Bernie hushed her.

“No, it’s okay. I wasn’t covering up exactly, I didn’t realise for a long time that how I felt was different. It was hard back then, seen as shameful and I would have no hope of an army career. It was difficult enough being a female medic working through the ranks, but I’d have never been able to serve. Even after the ban was lifted, I had my kids to think about. I didn’t want to lose them. Family is important, even if you argue, think you never want to speak again, think the other person doesn’t care…”

She held eye contact with Elinor throughout, willing the words out even though they tasted metallic on her tongue. She had to say this, had to prove herself, show that no matter what relationship she was in, a mother cares for her children and never stops loving them. This wasn’t for her – she could cope with Elinor not liking her – but for Serena.

She noticed Elinor’s stony expression soften slightly, the eyes that had held her gaze so defiantly flicking over to the other table. She pursed her lips then fixed Serena with a neutral gaze.

“And is this you as well, Mum? You’ve dated all these guys, after you and Dad split up. Did you date women as well? Did you want to?”

Serena swallowed and chewed her bottom lip. This hadn’t been the conversation she’d imagined, but she was having it, whether she liked it or not. She felt the lightest touch on her knee, Bernie reassuring her. She looked at her out of the corner of her eye and she saw a smirk playing on her lips, as if she was preventing herself from laughing.

“No, it wasn’t like that. I… I don’t know how to label it right now, but I guess if anything I’m…”

She took a breath, trying to sort the words into an order. They sounded foreign in her head. She was just Serena Campbell, vascular surgeon, mother, aunt and Bernie Wolfe’s partner.   

“I mean, maybe I’m bisexual, if that helps you to understand. But it’s never been something I’ve thought about. I’ve never dated women, never wanted to, until I met Bernie. Until now, I’ve only been attracted to men. But that doesn’t matter, it’s not a phase, or an experiment, or a mid-life crisis. I’ve met someone, I’m attracted to them, and I’ve fallen in love.”

She waited, watching for Elinor’s reaction. She was ready for anything, she’d been honest and she hoped she knew her daughter well enough, that her anger was at feeling left out of her mother’s life, and her radio silence was stubbornness and not wanting to apologise first.

“Ellie,”

“Mum,”

They both spoke with the same tone, resigned, tired of holding back. Serena gestured for Elinor to go first.

“It was a surprise. You know, like when I came home with my tongue pierced? I was angry because you hadn’t told me. Not only about being in a relationship but about having feelings for someone, for a woman. It came out of the blue and I resented that I seemed to be the last on your list to tell.”

Serena sighed, knowing that she wanted a closer relationship with Elinor. She’d always said they would communicate, talk about feelings, because she couldn’t go to her own mother about these things. At the time she hadn’t considered that it should go both ways. That if Elinor were to talk to her about everything, that she should set the example and show the same trust. That needed to start now, if she would allow it.

“I apologise for not telling you about Bernie sooner, that a relationship might be on the cards. I was worried because your opinion matters to me. I guess it was easier because we have both been busy: me with the trauma bay, you with everything at university. And I couldn’t broach the subject with you, because I wasn’t entirely sure of what my feelings meant or if anything would happen.”

Elinor pursed her lips, but they were twitching into a small smile. It reminded Serena of when she was a teenager and was trying her best to sulk, but ending up laughing.

“I’d like to spend more time with you, Ellie, for you and Bernie to get to know each other.”

She eyed Bernie warily, who dipped her head and gave a small, shy smile in return. A glint of mischief sparkled in Elinor’s eyes.

“You know _one_ way you could spend more time with me? If you let me film on AAU…”

Bernie snorted, but quickly pretended to be looking the other way when Serena turned to glare at her. Elinor also narrowed her eyes slightly.

“I suppose you think it’s a bad idea, do you?” She didn’t quite snap, but it was clear from her tone that Bernie was not at the top of her Christmas card list. She blushed slightly and shook her head.

“Not at all, it’s well thought out, and it would be interesting to hear the patients’ views when they are actually being cared for, rather than speculation from so called ‘experts’ who have only seen hospitals through a spreadsheet.”

“Thanks,” she said shortly. “Although you’re not just taking my side to butter me up are you?”

There was a hint of humour in her words, but Bernie could tell she wasn’t fully joking.

“I don’t take sides, and I don’t say things are a good idea if they aren’t. I think you’re onto something there, if the hospital agrees of course.” She stated, feeling Serena relax beside her.

“Oh. Right. Well thank you,” she took a deep breath, as if preparing herself. “Mum, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have been a cow. It wasn’t fair on you – or Bernie. Could we start again?” She turned to Bernie with an earnest face.

“Of course, I’d like that.” She smiled and rubbed her thumb over Serena’s knuckles. Things seemed to be resolving, the tension at the table diffusing. Elinor smiled, genuine for the first time, and fiddled with the stem of Serena’s wine glass.

“Would you ask the board, though? Please?”

Serena took her time to ponder, making a bit of a show of it. She knew Ellie had her flaws, but she was still Serena’s daughter. In fact, that was probably where she had learnt most of her tricks. Bernie was right, it was a good project.

“I will, but I’m sure it goes without saying that any footage will need to be reviewed to remove any potential law suits.”

“Thanks, Mum. You’re the best,” her face lit up. “Maybe we can have coffee, too. The four of us?”

She nodded towards Bernie and glanced over her shoulder at Jason. Serena waved the others over to finish their drinks with them. They settled at the table, trying to judge the mood.

“Ellie, this is Cameron and Charlotte, Bernie’s children. And Morven, one of my junior doctors.”

“And Cameron’s girlfriend,” Morven added.

“It’s nice to meet you, Elinor,” Charlotte extended a hand for Elinor to shake. “It’s a bit of an unusual situation, I know. If you ever want to talk about it, I’d be happy to. We can compare notes on how we maintained radio silence with our mothers.”

Everyone laughed nervously, looking to Bernie and Serena for their reaction. They met each other’s gaze and Bernie honked her laugh, causing Elinor to jump. This set everyone off and the conversation started flowing again.

Serena felt a weight lift from her chest. She’d tried to not let Elinor affect her over the past two months, but she realised now that it had. Her silence had pressed down on her, gradually increasing so she barely noticed it was there.

“Anyone for another drink?” Cameron interrupted her thoughts. She checked the time, they’d been at Albie’s longer than she’d thought and fish and chips awaited. Jason, as if reading her mind, answered for her.

“Sorry Cam, but we’ve got to leave, otherwise the chip shop will be busy and we’ll have to wait even longer for dinner,” he stood up and picked his coat from the chair. “Good luck at university. Ellie, will you be joining us for fish and chips?”

“Oh, well I’m actually meeting some friends later, but I’ll stay for another if you guys are?” She asked Charlotte, Cam and Morven. They nodded and Bernie smiled, reaching into her pocket. She dropped some money onto the table.

“Seeing as you’re all poor students, or living off a junior doctor wage, I’ll treat you to this round. I’ll see you all soon.”

Serena bent to pick up her bag and when she stood she was faced with Elinor, arms open for a hug. She reciprocated, squeezing her tight.

“I’m sorry,” Ellie murmured into her shoulder.

“I forgive you. Tell me when you’re free for coffee, and you know your old room is always available if you want to stay.”

“Thanks, Mum,” she let go and sat back down. Bernie slipped her arm through the crook of her elbow.

“Ready, Ms. Campbell?” she grinned then waved to the others. “Enjoy yourselves, but we don’t want any drunk phone calls at three in the morning okay?”

XXXXX

Bernie handed her a glass of Shiraz and settled onto the sofa next to her. She shuffled closer, resting against her and letting her slip an arm around her waist, pulling her in. She sighed, weary from a long shift and emotional conversations.

“Are you okay?” Bernie probed as she took a long sip from her wine. She moaned softly, could feel Bernie’s eyes on her as she tilted her head back.

“I’ve never been better. I’m drained, that’s all.”

Bernie hummed in empathy, her fingers playing with the hem of Serena’s blouse. She closed her eyes, focusing on the touch, the taste of wine, and the sound of movement upstairs, Jason getting ready for bed. Her mind wandered back to Albie’s, where her family had been sat together. She had never imagined how full her heart could feel, not realised quite how lonely she had been.

She’d always surrounded herself with people, made friends at work, considered AAU, in fact the whole hospital, to be a surrogate family. But since Elinor had become a teenager she’d been living her own life, and after her mother died it felt like everything was about her work. Sian had flitted in and out, kept in touch, but she was just as busy.

She had worried though. What was in store for Elinor, who seemed to have no direction, no passion for her own future. What would happen to her once she retired, no longer having medicine in her life? Then she’d met Robbie, making her see there was more to life than her work. Then Jason. Another worry at first – would he want to meet Serena, would she get on with him. Where would he live, how would he cope.

Now, though, she felt as if things were being put into place. She had medicine and what she hoped was a long future with Bernie. Jason was settled, blossoming every day with new found confidence. Elinor seemed to be taking university seriously. She was getting to know Cam and Charlotte, looking forward to seeing them lay down their path in life.

“What are you thinking about?” Bernie spoke softly into her ear. She wasn’t sure how long they’d been sat there, sipping their drinks.

“Why do people say that once you’re fifty, life is pretty much over? You spend your twenties and thirties stressing about careers and relationships and ‘settling down’ and children, you hardly have time to enjoy yourself. But when you’re older and you’ve achieved all of that, people think you’re old and life is boring.”

She sat up and looked Bernie in the eyes, seeing a hint of confusion. She closed the gap, kissing her deeply.

“I think they’re doing it wrong. There’s no such thing as a wrong side of fifty, you’ve just got to see life differently. Look at me, I mean, there’s nothing boring about kissing a beautiful woman on your sofa with a glass of Shiraz in your hand.”

Bernie took another sip and then captured her lips, she could the wine on her tongue.

“I absolutely agree,” Bernie said as she pulled back, looking deep into Serena’s eyes. “I have never felt more alive, happier than I am now. And we still have so much to look forward to. The kids setting off on their own adventures, living life with you by my side. We are most certainly on the right side of fifty.”

_Fin_.


End file.
